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If you acrimoniously split with your ex partner how did you go about dividing belongings?

(39 Posts)
skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:28:27

Just wondering how normal people do this as I'm grappling with it at the mo.

Ex was abusive, police involved and court orders banning him from my home (where we used to live together) and banning him from contacting me except through my solicitor.

Occupation order allows him two accompanied visits to look at/collect his belongings. He's been asked to provide a list of what he wants. He says he can't unless he is allowed to look in every room in the house and also into cupboards and drawers. I'm not going to let him (order does not provide for this).

I've gathered his belongings together ready for him to take. He came (supervised by 3 police officers) and took some but not all stuff. He is allowed another visit to collect the rest.

How do normal people do this? Is it reasonable for him to say he can't give a list of what he wants? Surely if he can't remember it exists then he doesn't need it? Do normal people expect to go into their ex's place where they haven't lived for months and be allowed unfettered access to find whatever they want when their ex has gathered their things together for them? <pulling hair out>

ImperialBlether Wed 01-Mar-17 21:34:15

No, you've been living there without him for months; he can't have the right to root around in your belongings.

I'd put everything of his in the living room and take everything of yours from the living room to the bedroom. If you're not going to be there make sure you tell them what has to remain in the room, eg TV, sofa, etc. Tell them anything he doesn't take on that day will be thrown away.

He sounds awful - three policemen!

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 21:41:40

If it's of any help I have just gone through this. I put all his personal effects, jewellery, photos etc on dining table and he put post it stickers on what he wanted to take, ie wall hangings, tvs etc. He may not take them until house is sold. That's it. Done.

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:44:11

He is awful! I was shaking when he arrived this morning.

His stuff - at least what is unarguably his is all gathered together in the loft and he can get it without entering any rooms at all (which he did today), but despite not having actually looked through what is there and not being willing to give a list of what he would like, he is convinced there are other unspecified things that he needs/wants.

I just wonder how normal people do this!

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 21:46:04

It's impossible to do without him making a list and that you mutually agree - or not. Your sol will advise you

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:46:14

nespresso - that sounds totally civilised. Did he want to look through drawers and cupboards? Or was it just furniture etc? I presume he is normal and not an abusive shit?

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 01-Mar-17 21:46:45

Um, mine wasn't really normal tbh. I waited until he was away on a course for work then called in the cavalry (my bro and mum) and packed my horse, dog, all my things and most of the joint stuff up quick sharp. I left cash for his share.
He was abusive, violent and controlling and I'm glad I did it the way I did.
Sorry you're going through what you are x

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:47:56

Cross post - yes indeed it is. He doesn't appear to agree. But it is crazy that he says he can't make his list remotely isn't it?

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 21:48:20

I gave him an allocated hour and allowed him, supervised, to go wherever he wanted. He wasn't allowed to take anything that wasn't on the dining table and he wasn't allowed access to MY bedroom.

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:49:42

Everything - I'm lucky that it's my house that I own - but in some ways it would have been so much easier to have been able to just pack up and go while he was in custody.

Did yours make any fuss about the shared stuff you'd taken?

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:50:41

nespresso was yours abusive?

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 21:54:05

I'm worried that I've fucked it up. My solicitor said I shouldn't let him go through drawers or anything, but maybe I should have let him into rooms. I don't want to get into protracted discussions about what he wants, wasting huge amounts of my legal money. Shit.

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 21:57:18

Just be reasonable. Take out anything you particularly want. Chances are he may have forgotten about particular items. Let him think you're doing him a favour by allowing him excess. Don't allow him to remove anything without your permission. It can be mutually agreed or not after you've seen his signed and dated list. And he can't go through your things, ie YOUR bedroom.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 01-Mar-17 22:00:15

Oh, sorry I misunderstood, it's your house. Yep I do think it made it easier that I could just 'disappear'. Luckily he didn't make a fuss as he was still in the stage of being sooooo sorry. Then he turned angry and it was too late.
That aside tho, I agree with nespressos last post, word for word.

Starlight2345 Wed 01-Mar-17 22:02:09

He was asked to provide a list didn't so you collected his stuff together..He had 2 visits..I would say close the book.

AstrantiaMallow Wed 01-Mar-17 22:03:06

Have you posted in Legal about this? Maybe someone can guide you a bit?

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 22:05:09

'access' not 'excess' lol!

AdaColeman Wed 01-Mar-17 22:13:33

There are protocols for how possessions are divided at the end of a relationship, your solicitor should give you guidelines.
Roughly, they are that what was yours before the relationship remains yours, items given as gifts remain with the recipient, items given as joint gifts go to the person closest to to the giver, items bought jointly are negotiated between the two of you.

That he is refusing to make a list and demanding instead that he search your possessions for items he may want to claim, is just another abuse/bullying tactic, used to frighten/threaten/control you.
But his days of doing that are over now, don't be intimidated, get his possessions together in a fair manner, hand them over, stay calm.

Do not let him search through your belongings, he is threatening that as a way of demeaning you. It is outrageous that he has demanded that.

Have you spoken to anyone at Womens Aid? They may well provide help and support for you. At the very least, do not see him alone, have a friend or relative with you as well as the police with him.

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 22:14:17

I haven't posted in legal because I'm really just wondering if I'm being unreasonable from a common sense POV - I have a solicitor for the legal side. I dunno, I just wonder how normal peeps do it and now I know (thanks nespresso!)
Sadly I don't think I can trust him to have even supervised access to rooms. But I don't know if I'm being overly emotional - it feels like such a violation to even have him inside the house in the hallway. I may be being irrational - he hadn't previously been here since he was arrested for assault. I just hate him.

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 22:20:24

Unfortunately, it's one of those LAST things which need to be done. Don't worry, the police will be with him and you can go out. He has a strict time limit, no access to your bedroom and the police will watch him like a hawk. Don't overthink it, it's nearly done. Have a can of Febreze handy for when you go back home!

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 22:21:04

Ada thanks. My solicitor is great but does not seem willing to tell me about these protocols so that is very helpful. Solicitor has very little patience with him and basically said what you said that it's about trying to keep control etc.

He is very litigious and threatening court at every turn. So I want to make sure he can't make me look bad or unreasonable. I wonder, if he continues to refuse to provide a list whether I should make a list of the shared things for him to 'sticker' without being physically here. So following nespresso's method without the necessity of ex actually being here.

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 22:24:11

You could try but I doubt he'll agree. He'll say you're hiding stuff. Just take away anything of value, give your photos to a friend for safekeeping. If he wants anything he can put it on his list and you can negotiate. You'll be reasonable if he asks for photos that you will scan them to him. Just be totally open and reasonable. You'll be fine.

nespressofan Wed 01-Mar-17 22:25:04

Everything in writing - nothing verbal EVER. Stay business-like x

skullpanholder Wed 01-Mar-17 22:25:07

Argh - another cross post. The thing is if I was going to let him sticker things then I should have done it today - the next visit is for him to remove stuff so it needs to be decided before then. Do you think the virtual stickering idea might work? It would be hard for him to take me to court saying I'd kept xyz unreasonably if he doesn't know what xyz is?
Sorry, I may be rambling.

cauliflowercheese14 Wed 01-Mar-17 22:25:35

I did it where I gathered everything of his into one room. He was allowed to clear that room with a mutual friend and my father supervising. Solicitor had suggested the police but he persuaded me that he could behave without them. I hid in my bedroom. He then produced a list sent to my solicitor of other stuff. I sent some of it but disputed some of it. Things I had bought etc. I was scrupulously fair. Then he insisted I allow his friend to search the house but not for anything specific. After a stand off I allowed the friend to do this. The friend arrived, told me he was furious at being used like this, he had no intention of searching the house so we had a cup of tea, he apologised for having to come round and that was that. Looking back a lot of it was him trying to keep controlling and upsetting me as much as he could. These days I'd tell him to beat it and work to a list being collected by a neutral party. I don't know about you OP but I wanted every trace of him gone. The idea that I was hanging onto his possessions was ludicrous.

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