Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
To live together or not(7 Posts)
I'm in the early stages of pregnancy. Very unexpected. Not been together that long although known each other a few years. Complicated situation in that we both have kids from previous marriages and both have full custody so to move in together would mean the kids having to live together too. They get on wonderfully together, but I worry that forcing them to live together would cause problems.
I live in a council house, BF owns his. To live together we would need a much larger house which is unachievable with our incomes.
We currently live 45 minutes from each other.
I absolutely want to live together but don't want to upset our children. Eldest is 14, youngest is 6. His kids lost their mum, mine haven't seen their dad for over 6 years (my youngest has never met him)
What to do? I've contacted council and asked if we could moved nearer to BF but as we already have a home we are not in need so would take years.
No room in BF's house for all the kids. He's happy to move closer to me but my area is more expensive than his. I'm happy to give up my home and moving to BF's area if it was possible.
Is it really practical to live 45 minutes away from the father of my child? I want him with me.
I was in a similar situation. We both had children from previous relationships, and were expecting one together. We lived within an hour of each other.
It was a hard decision at the time, but ultimately our relationship could not have worked if we lived separately raising a child together. In our case his property was tiny, mine bigger, but still not big enough. It'll be another year or two until we have somewhere big enough for us all, but we make it work. I now can't imagine being without him as often as I was before, and the DC's love him greeting him and chatting to him every evening when he comes home from work.
It has been over a year now. Of course there have been ups and downs, but I couldn't of done it this time around, without him. He is a good father to all of the children, and a great support to me.
All in all I think it depends how serious your relationship is, and whether you see yourself with this person in the long term. There have been many issues we have had to iron out when it comes to the household, children, ground rules and perceived unfairness etc, but we have a policy to communicate with each other so as not to let tensions build up. I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.
To live together we would need a much larger house which is unachievable with our incomes.
Well, that's the bottom line, isn't it?
I would stay with the status quo for now. Too much upheaval and stress to cope with during your pregnancy.
You can always revise it a few years down the line.
Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.
My friend was in this situation . Her DC did not want to give up or move bedrooms and her DP's kids didn't want to leave their home. They lived together part time - weekends and holidays by giving his DC her master bedroom (they got a decent sofabed for the lounge and slept there along with baby) and put the wall back up in the through lounge to make another downstairs bedroom.
Later. they managed to increase the mortgage on her house to pay for a loft bedroom conversion and side extension to increase the living space and add an extra shower room.
If you want to live nearer your BF, perhaps you could look into house-swap schemes in your area? There are probably plenty of families looking to down-size their social housing in view of bedroom tax. You might get lucky and find a suitable larger property. Housing officers usually insist that any rent arrears are sorted before a swap is permitted, but you could discuss that with the occupants of the larger house? Alternatively, there are incentive schemes available through local authority housing departments that give council tenants cash grants to buy a house and free up a social tenancy. You might want to look into the various options that are available to your family.
I wouldn't give up a council house to move closer to your BF, unless it was a swap to another secure tenancy. There are house swap schemes as mentioned above - I managed to get a swap once from my house but despite the bedroom tax, there aren't that many people keen to downsize in reality. It is worth keeping an eye on the house swap websites though. I definitely wouldn't consider moving out of your council house to a private rental, it would be more expensive and less secure.
We had a similar situation as I was in a council flat and DH had his own property - I was reluctant to give up the security of my flat so we bought it from the council and now rent it out, but at least I know I could live there if DH and I split up.
Also I would be wary of leaving an expensive area to move to your BF's area - expensive areas are usually so because they have better amenities, schools etc. So your dc could be missing out on that just for the sake of living closer to your BF which doesn't seem fair to them. Could your BF afford to move closer to you if he downsized? It definitely doesn't seem ideal to living so far away from him with a newborn.
I think that given you haven't been together very long and his girls have lost their mother it would be very, very foolish to move in together in a rush and try to force a blended family situation on them too soon.
They will still be suffering from the loss of their mum - the last thing they need is a new baby, competition for their father's affections and attention, a huge bunch of step siblings to get used to whether they like it or not, and to add insult to injury being ripped from their home and school and any local support network of friends and family they may have.
For their sake just slow down and see how things go. If you are still together and everyone is happy (not just you but THEM) in a year or two's time then think about all living together then.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.