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A grumpy rant about DH and money.

(50 Posts)
HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 07:38:50

DH and I are having problems at the moment. I have asked him to leave, but we are currently still sort of trying to work things out.

We have separate finances, I am a SAHM. I have the child benefit and he transfers me shopping money etc each month. He was paid last Friday and I am skint. I asked him to transfer the money over this morning. I failed to say please. He is also pissed off because it was our wedding anniversary yesterday and I didn't celebrate it in any way. Due to this, he has decided that there won't be the money for my driving lessons any more. Still hasn't said he'll transfer the other money either. I am so fucked off right now.

If your reading this again DH, I really couldn't give a toss by the way.

BitchPeas Wed 01-Mar-17 07:40:18

So he's financially absuive and emotionally abusive. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

Lovelilies Wed 01-Mar-17 07:43:46

Been in similar situation but I was working and earning albeit a lot less.
It was one of the things that split us up.
Now he wants me back and has said he'll be completely transparent with money and everything will go into/come out of one pot.
I'm thinking about it.

You can't go on like this. What does DH say when you point out the unfairness?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 01-Mar-17 07:44:03

What Bitchpeas wrote.

I take it as read he has refused to leave.

I would seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing him. There is really nothing to work out here and your children are being shown an abusive relationship example.

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 07:44:53

Fuck all right now really. I don't think he's emotionally abusive though, just angry and sad since I tried to split up with him. He has never been financially abusive, but I agree that this smacks of it. I told him he was being a twat and withholding money. He laughed and said he wasn't. Don't know what he thinks this is then...

RebelRogue Wed 01-Mar-17 07:45:12

The issue here is sort of working things out.
He expects you to act as normal(while he's probably seething) and exercising financial control over you,so you toe the line.
You are one foot out the door and unwilling to toe the line(good for you) and expecting him to keep up his financial part.
It's not working because primarily he's a dick,and because both your expectations are confusing.You are both probably angry and resentful.
Make a clean break. You or him move out. You apply for single benefits and CSA.

Loopytiles Wed 01-Mar-17 07:45:52

He laughed?

Loopytiles Wed 01-Mar-17 07:46:47

Suggest you seek paid work asap: if/when you break up it sounds like he could be a dick about money.

arainydayinearlyspring Wed 01-Mar-17 07:47:04

Sorry Horace, but he is indeed being financially abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 01-Mar-17 07:52:25

Horrace,

Financial abuse is insidious in its onset and it really does sneek up on people.

I would concur your H is being financially abusive. You do not have full access to funds and is controlling your access to money.

Sort of working things out is a waste of time and effort. He is not interested in wanting to change anything because he gets what he wants out of this.

Have you considered seeking legal advice with a view to divorcing him?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 01-Mar-17 07:54:13

Lovelilies

Words are cheap; look at his past actions.

Such men do not change; I would not take him back under any circumstances. He is an ex for very good reasons.

SandyY2K Wed 01-Mar-17 08:25:45

I do think people can change, especially when they realise the impact of a split in this kind of situation.

Money creates a power thing in relationships a lot of the time. It's the top reason for divorce.

OP, when you mentioned withdrawing money for driving lessons, it reminded me of many years ago, when my DH refused to pay for the childminder, because I did something he didn't like. Making it very difficult financially for me to go to work. I was working part time.

I was so stressed out and negotiated working from home to manage the situation temporarily.

The whole finances, is the primary reason I refused to have any more DC, despite him wanting more. If it wasn't that I said I'd never have just one DC, I would have stopped with just the one.

I do marriage prep training for engaged couples and finances are covered, because of the problems it causes.

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 08:34:36

I think that covers it fairly perfectly RebelRouge.
The driving lessons is annoying me hugely. He has also just texted me berating me for upsetting DS by arguing this morning. I am so sick of this.

I have to do the school run now, I'll read properly later. Thank you all.

lorelairoryemily Wed 01-Mar-17 08:35:55

You shouldn't have to ask him for money, we are currently saving a huge amount to hopefully get a mortgage in the next year or so, Dh gets paid into his bank account and I'm self employed, but we pay everything between us, If I need money I just ask for his card, but usually he has taken out cash before I need to ask, we also keep some emergency cash in the house just in case, I have his card more than he does and finances are completely transparent. Withholding money for driving lessons op your husband is a prick

Bluntness100 Wed 01-Mar-17 08:39:33

Why did you try to split up with him and why no celebration on your wedding anniversary, what's the back story here?

Yes he is using money to take back some control over the situation or maybe if the relationship is ending he doesn't want to pay for your driving lessons and is trying to protect himself financially although clearly he still needs to meet his commitments and pay for the shopping etc,

I think uou need to sit down and try to talk through your relationship, what's going wrong, how you fix it, the efforts you will both make. Right now neither of uou is being kind to the other.

Rozdeek Wed 01-Mar-17 08:41:13

He's abusive.

HeddaGarbled Wed 01-Mar-17 08:54:59

Do you have a debit or credit card can you can use to pay for your immediate needs including your driving lesson? You are entitled to your share of the family money and if you have to go overdrawn temporarily, it's not the end of the world.

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 09:05:18

I tried to split up with him, because he is utterly lazy and I couldn't cope with it anymore. He also seemed completely disinterested in myself and our children. Because of this, I'd slowly stopped loving him. Since I tried to split (he refused to leave, so we are trying again), he has been helping a lot more and playing with the DCs. I still don't love him though. No celebration of the marriage, because we have only ever done cards and, well, it doesn't feel like something to celebrate.

Financially protecting himself is pushing it really. I have £138 a month, he is on £320 a year. In addition to this, in the spirit of reconciliation, I let a mortgage go through to clear all his previous marriage debts. He in no way needs to financially protect himself from me.

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 09:07:11

I have no overdraft and no credit cards. I am very debt adverse, so had never considered them. I can probably borrow money from family though. It's in its end stages, so should only cost another £200 at most really.

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 09:09:03

That should have read £32, 000 a year. If he was on £320k, it really would be taking the piss...

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 01-Mar-17 09:28:22

Maybe he's thinking he shouldn't have to pay for your driving lessons when you've just asked him to leave?

SandyY2K Wed 01-Mar-17 09:50:14

Are you hoping to get back to a place of loving him? Or is there no return from this?

I don't advocate being in a relationship where you're unhappy, but if he feels /knows you don't love him anymore, I can understand why he isn't keen to spend on your driving lessons. I'll be honest if I was the breadwinner and my DH told me to leave, I wouldn't pay for his driving lessons or anything else for him that wasn't a basic necessity.

Where do you expect him to go to if he leaves? This isn't just directed to you, but there does seem to be a feeling by women on MN, that if you've had enough for whatever reason, you can just tell your husband to leave.

If it's your house, then that's more understandable, but if you rent or own together, why should he just have to leave.

If you're declaring the marriage over, then you need to sit down and discuss living arrangements going forward. You'll need to discuss finances, and visitation and child /spousal support and look at a timeline for it to happen.

He needs suitable accommodation to see the DC, so it will take a while to sort out.

I'm not saying stay in an unhappy marriage, but try and split amicably for the sake of your DC.

Bluntness100 Wed 01-Mar-17 09:55:22

I agree this isn't sustainable, how are you trying to make it work, trying to fix the relationship?

I'd be honest, 32k isn't a big salary to keep a family of four on, especially with previous debts, and then I also probably wouldn't be paying for my spouses driving lessons if he was clear he didn't love me any more either. I'd probably tell him to fuck off.

You both need to sit down and work out where to go, the driving lessons are irrelevant, the fundamental issue is the marriage itself.

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 10:06:08

The house is ours, though bought with money from my grandma (lent to us, being slowly repaid with no interest), I absolutely expect him to leave the house paid for by my family. In all honesty, if he makes me leave, I will fight for the house to be sold immediately and my grandma to be repaid, then no one can have the beastly thing. I expect him to rent somewhere, just like he would still be doing anyway were it not for my family. Clearly this doesn't happen over night, but what I had tried for before was a broadly amicable split, with us living together while we worked out or housing and financial situation. He decided he is never leaving.

I will forget about the driving then. Though, I do feel that if he has decided we're staying together, then he should carry on as normal financially. Not start deciding what I am and am not allowed. I would still quite like the food money for the month though. I have £20 until I next get my child benefit and there is no way I'm using it to feed him...

HorraceTheOtter Wed 01-Mar-17 10:08:30

Sorry. On re reading, I'm being angry about things none of you have a clue about, which makes me just sound rude, when your only offering advice that I asked for. My head isn't working very well at the moment.

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