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H stepped the f*ckery up to another level this weekend.

(489 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

PinkGlitter17 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:38:52

My god. I have a H who's financially and emotionally abusive, and 2 DCs (8 & 2.5). I was posting last week about his behaviour and got tons of LTB responses, which I agree with, and then on Sunday he stepped it up. I'm still in shock and keep having to remind myself that it really happened.

not a good start to a post, is it?

I was setting out with DD to go to an art workshop that morning, and had left the kitchen in a mess, dishes and cake-baking gear piled up on the side, all ready to do them when i returned 2 hrs later. H comes into kitchen with DS, sees pots, asks incredulously whether it was all stuff that needed washing. I said yes, and that I would do it when I got back.

And he said NO! I was not to go anywhere until the kitchen was clean, "the way it should be left". i fought my corner and said he couldn't stop me from going out, and was he forbidding me?! He just kept saying no, I wasn't going anywhere. I carried on putting my shoes on, could see DD looking scared, DS (2) just watching.

H then went into our bedroom, ranting at me about a) a job he had decided i must apply for but "hadn't been arsed to get" and had been pathetic about, and b) taking the kids to my parents' for 2.5 days over Xmas, when he was working 1 of those days and had kicked up endless shit about me doing it when he had said he really didn't want me to. He said if I went to the art class, that was it, we were done, and he would leave. i stood in the hallway like a rabbit in the headlights, watching him and listening to him rant, thinking this was a crucial moment and that I was being totally watched by DD and shouldn't let H dictate to me like that, or deny me "permission" to go out. Rock and a hard place.

DD came to me, I went back in the kitchen, and H shut the door and held it so I couldn't open it. I shouted at him - "stop barricading me in the kitchen" - and after a few moments we got out. By the way, DS had been on his side of the door, so saw Daddy's behaviour {sad}

DD & I went in living room, sat on sofa, ignored H - he came in and loomed over us, glaring. i told him not to do that in front of DD. He said that cuddling DD wasn't getting the kitchen cleaned.

After a while, I went into the kitchen and DD followed me, bless her, and said she was going to help . We did all the fucking dishes and cleaned up, then were due to our cakes to a bake-off, so we got ready to go - and then found that H had buggered off in the car.

So I took DD and DS to where we were going, thinking that maybe H really had left. I got through the afternoon despite H's bullshit, and went to a women's meeting at the pub too, where everyone had brought their kids so the children all played while we chatted.

When we got home, I didn't know what to expect. H had cooked tea so we all had that. Long story short, after 1.5 days of (mutual) silence, H is speaking to me again, pretty much as if nothing happened. I've been reading about the cycle of charm-anger-explosion-calm that abusers use.

I've also been looking at benefits entitlements, spousal maintenance, child mainteneance, divorce settlements, and a house that's for rent in our village.

So sick of this shit.

MrsDustyBusty Tue 28-Feb-17 23:42:38

You need to leave before your daughter becomes too accustomed to allowing herself to be bullied in this way.

PhilODox Tue 28-Feb-17 23:44:46

God, that's awful. You know it is.

Could your parents help you out at all? Either by temporarily accommodating you and DC, or by giving you a rent deposit?

Sugarlumps333 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:47:42

You know the responses you will get on here - lots of hand holding and LTB. If it was me, i would be long gone - honestly? Literally leave him already or just accept that your DH is a horrible bastard. It will not be easy at first if you DO go but the longer you stay the worse it will be - and for you things will get better if you go. My heart broke when you wrote about your DD following you into the kitchen, that would kill me - final straw. Whether there is or isn't a 'cycle of abuse' sounds like, from what you wrote, he is just a classic shitbag and anyone who stays with him is enabling him. Get out while you can.

Lostin3dspace Tue 28-Feb-17 23:47:55

I'm always interested in the posts about financially abusive people, but you've not said much about that here. On top of putting up with the shockingly entitled attitude here, reason enough to leave, I would play the submissive wife whilst you get your advice and ducks in a row.
If financially abusive, then he isn't going to play fair at all. I would not tell him a thing until you are ready, joint accounts frozen and with somewhere to go to. The usual advice applies, get copies of as much as possible, financial etc.

Best of luck

AdoraBell Tue 28-Feb-17 23:49:43

Have you spoken to Womens aid?

Sugarlumps333 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:50:12

^^second what lost said - be prepared and pull the rug out from under him. Just as he deserves.

SenseiWoo Tue 28-Feb-17 23:50:24

He's nuts. Seriously.
Glad you are planning your escape.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:56:34

OP, my heart breaks for you and the children. Fingers crossed for you.

emptygirl123 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:58:27

I hope you get out of this situation very soon .IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER UNTILL YOU LEAVE .

IM awear how easy that is to say when im not you but your children will thankyou 1million times over not to have to worry about YOU because im telling you now they do

Best of luck to you and your kids

Keep your escape a secrate untill you can leave as knowledge is power and you need to retain all the power and knowledge smile

AhNowTed Wed 01-Mar-17 00:01:15

The "forbidding" is so fucked up and not normal OP.

Lostin3dspace Wed 01-Mar-17 00:05:33

Just read your other thread about financial abuse. Bloody hell, why waste any more of your life with this man?

tipsytrifle Wed 01-Mar-17 00:05:57

What you have described is utterly nasty and awful. He held you prisoner in the kitchen with a child on the other side of the door? He demanded you did dishes and left the kitchen "as it should be left." He berated you for calming yourself down with dd instead of doing what he demanded after she just witnessed what you experienced?

I must have missed the day he appointed himself God of all Clearing Up by Wife. But you didn't, because you did it. He never answered the question about forbidding your exit, but that's exactly what he did. And you complied. Did your day go as planned as a result?

He wants you to work. Do you? I actually think it might be a good idea for you to have independent financial means. You also need a separate bank a/c for any wages to go into. I think you're going to need it as your compliance becomes more than a token gesture and something that your spirit rebels against in full. He held the kitchen door shut ffs!

I didn't see your other thread so apologies if this is a simplistic response. Can you link to it?

Your children should not be learning from this kind of dictatorship in action. The behaviour you've described would end this marriage for me, never mind whatever else you haven't put into type. This relationship is abusive.

RainbowJack Wed 01-Mar-17 00:09:37

I can't get passed the fact you washed the dishes.

twattymctwatterson Wed 01-Mar-17 00:17:25

I'm sorry op but why wasn't this the final straw? Your children have watched this man imprison you in a room until you've cleaned it to his standard, they've had to see you accept that and you have just carried on as normal for the past few days? If you don't get out living with this will become their normal, by the sounds of it it already is for your DD

Pinbasket Wed 01-Mar-17 00:19:18

...And don't forget to take both the car keys (and the car) when you leave him...
Good luck

Winniethepooer Wed 01-Mar-17 00:21:49

flowers You know what you need to do Op. Do it asap.

Kleptronic Wed 01-Mar-17 00:23:46

I can't get past the fact you washed the dishes either. And you blessing your DD for following you and offering to help do them. She's a child. She has to find a way to appease the angry man. You are an adult. Protect your children.

DistanceCall Wed 01-Mar-17 00:24:40

And you allow your daughter to grow up witnessing this because...?

highinthesky Wed 01-Mar-17 00:26:41

OMG this is just a fraction of what my childhood was, you've brought back some memories OP!

This is why I am not married. Seriously, life is just too precious.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 01-Mar-17 00:27:38

Do it not just for you but the kids. I was your daughter once. I remember what that tends house feels like, the silences, the pa noises.

BettyBaggins Wed 01-Mar-17 00:28:28

"I'm sorry op but why wasn't this the final straw?"

I'm with Twatty on this. Why put your DC through this nightmare?

AcrossthePond55 Wed 01-Mar-17 00:29:00

Just remember, stealth is your friend. Be very quiet as you go about your plans. Don't threaten to leave, don't give him any inkling that you are even thinking about it.

Get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice, then leave, preferably when he is not home.

PinkGlitter17 Wed 01-Mar-17 00:33:00

I know. I should be ashamed, and I am. I have no money, no joint account, can't drive. I me ght sound bolshy, but it's just a front. I'm stuck.

BestZebbie Wed 01-Mar-17 00:33:40

what do you think would have happened if you had called his bluff and agreed that it would be best if he left at that moment? (Not suggesting you should have done so as it sounds as if you froze up and couldn't have acted).

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