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I have let an utterly insecure arsehole infiltrate my life

(86 Posts)
Garfunkeaunders Tue 28-Feb-17 21:46:10

Came out of a longterm relationship 6 years ago. Met a guy, X, through mutual friends. He asked me out and we went on about four dates. I was not ready for anything new at all, so was taking things very slowly. He eventually called me to "dump" me and told me it was obvious that I didn't fancy him because I'd refused his advances (not true, I just didn't want to be intimate with anyone at all.) I said fair enough, he obviously wanted things to go a lot faster than I did. Around that time I also started dating my DH, he let me take things slowly and a couple of years later we were married.

No contact with X until last year, I saw him at a few events of our same mutual friends, we reconnected as friends.. He met DH and the DC too and all seemed to be fine. He eventually asked me if I would introduce him to any of my single friends. My best friend had asked me only the day before, if I knew any single bachelors she could meet, so it seemed appropriate.

I arranged to meet them both for a drink with a plan to leave them together if they got on well. We all met, and things were going well until my best friend (who I had told about X and my's previous dates 5 years ago,) suddenly said, lightheartedly, thanks for introducing us, it's s funny that you guys have been on a date and now you are introducing him to me!

Well, he went from happy smiling to a face like thunder and he stopped speaking to me. It became awkward very quickly. Eventually my best friend asked him what was wrong and he said "your friend, who cannot keep her mouth shut." I sad Excuse me? He said "you just couldn't resist telling her about our dates, could you? Well I'll have her know that I dumped YOU." I said listen, she only knows because she has been my best friend for years and knew about my life back then. He said "Oh you were interviewing lots of men at the time, does she know about all of them? I saw Paul (a mutual friend of X and I) the other day. He said you were "Interviewing" him too, and leading him on." I was completely baffled and taken aback. I had never dated Paul or even indicated I was interested. He then launched a tirade at me in front of my best friend that I was a gossip and couldn't resist telling people all the juicy details about everything and one day it will come back to haunt me - like now. That in fact, he was doing everybody a favour and telling me once and for all to stop gossiping. Then various other little misogynistic comments like "I'm sure your DH would like to know how many men you were leading on at the time that you started dating him..."

It was all a bit nasty and filled with insecurity on his part. I excused myself and went to the ladies loos and cried. When I came back he was very apologetic, but I ended up leaving early and leaving them to it.

Anyway, next day had a text conversation with best friend who was in shock that he took her comment so badly but had agreed to a second date because she and he got on (!????).I apologised for introducing them and said it probably wasn't a good idea they saw each other again, but up to her. She said "he told me you'd say that." !!!

Second date was today - I was aiming to stay as far out of it as possible, but he called me from a number I didn't recognise. "What do you know about today?" he asked." I said "nothing. I just knew that you were meeting again. I hope it went well and you both had a nice time."

Then he says "you keep tabs on me 24/7 don't you?" I said "no. It's normal that my best friend would tell me she was going on a date with you." He said "no, you have an abnormal interest from you in my love life. More opportunities for you to gossip I expect?" I said "absolutely not. You are defensive and insecure." and put the phone down.

Best friend is now not replying to my messages. What is going on?

Obviously I get that he is monstrously insecure and it was a real mistake to reconnect with him and/or introduce him to my best friend, but what am I supposed to do now?

DH is mad at him for making me upset and wants to "have a word" but I am playing it down, because I feel that what he said about telling my DH about me leading others on when DH and I first started dating might rock the boat.

JK1773 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:56:38

He sounds like a really weird dangerous guy. I don't understand how your friend has seen him again after that outburst. I'd run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I don't know what to suggest but maybe change your number so he can't contact you again. It was clearly a mistake to allow him back into your life, an innocent one I appreciate. It out as much distance between you and him as possible, let your friend know you are there for her and hope she soon sees him for what he is. What an awful situation

JK1773 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:58:18

*I'd put ...

Cricrichan Tue 28-Feb-17 22:04:09

Woah! I don't think it'll take too long for your friend to see his real colours! He's scary.

ThomasRichard Tue 28-Feb-17 22:04:38

What an utter weirdo. I'd be keeping a diary for use as evidence should I need to go to the police about him harassing me TBH.

I hope you best friend sees sense quickly.

lananzack Tue 28-Feb-17 22:05:27

He sounds like a fucking nutcase. I'll be back if I think of any actual useful advice, but Christ, he really does sound bizarre.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Tue 28-Feb-17 22:09:06

fucking hell. What a wanker! How could your friend watch that and think he was a nice guy?! How lonely is she?! Dont hold back from your husband. The man you briefly dated before he dumped you because you wouldnt sleep with him is a jerk! He Isnt an ex. You didnt have a relationship. You briefly dated and then he dumped you because he felt entitled to sex and you didnt want that.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Tue 28-Feb-17 22:09:38

But by god block his number. Dont engage.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 28-Feb-17 22:12:02

He sounds horrendous!

I think you need to give him a seriously wide berth and that goes for your DH too. You don't need your DH fighting your battles, you've stood up for yourself well so far. This guy clearly thrives off getting attention from you of any kind so I don't think it's in your interest to involve your husband - he has nothing to lose, while this could stir up stress/hassle between you and DH (though I doubt he would give a shit about who somecrazy ex claims you 'lead on' a billion years ago).

I feel bad for your friend, but I think you need to let her work out what a twat he is on her own. You've given her fair warning and she's witnessed his unpleasantness first hand. If you back away and let them get on with it, hopefully he will get bored and move on. Otherwise he gets what he wants - attention from and possibly some kind of power over you, by witnessing and enjoying the conflict he is causing. It's vital you disengage from the situation (you can and should still see your friend - but just not with him and don't talk to her about him).

Have any of your other mutual friends had any run-ins with him? What a creep!

JaneEyre70 Tue 28-Feb-17 22:22:56

Firstly, if your so called best friend is stupid enough to listen to someone she's known 5 minutes and take their side not yours, she's stupid enough to leave to get on with it. Don't engage with any conversation about him with her, say "we have to agree to disagree where he is concerned". But I'd make sure there was no way he could contact you again, change numbers if need be and put him out of your head. He can only be part of your life if you let him. What a charmer!

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 28-Feb-17 22:27:20

I wouldn't have any further conversations with him. Make a note of phone numbers, hang up as soon as you know it's him. Make a log of everything, just incase. The bloke is nuts!

I hope you're friend see's through him pretty quick. But I'd go careful about what you say about him to her. He'llno doubt twist everything you say. I can't believe she sat there and listened to all that and said nothing!

Lucked Tue 28-Feb-17 22:33:57

I agree no need to be in contact with him. If he calls you from an unknown number hang up and block that number too. Don't utter a word to him.

I would try and maintain my friendship but not talk about him. Don't text or talk to her about him. If she witnessed that in the bar and then went on a second date I think something is off and you will have to give her space.

Personally I would have walked out if I had been spoken that way and I am sure a friend would have followed me.

georgethecat Tue 28-Feb-17 22:44:16

Wow he sounds nutty. She needs help if she proceeded with dating him after he made you cry.

Block block block

Hissy Tue 28-Feb-17 23:01:50

What an utter wanker!! your friend is an idiot for seeing him again!

Bunkai Tue 28-Feb-17 23:04:19

I would tell your DH everythjng this guy said to you including the 'leading men on' part. This guy is a nutcase and it sounds like he'll pop up again as he has a wierd fix on you (not to mention reeling your best friend in). Don't let the weird guy have any opportunity to tell your DH a warped version of the truth.

As for you friend, I would contact her to say something like best of luck and hope all goes well. That you're backing off as you know that if his actions (or what he says about you) don't make sense then your she will know.

Give her room and provide her with an opportunity to reflect on wierd guy in her own way and in her own time. Hopefully she will see this guys true colours soon.

Tootsiepops Tue 28-Feb-17 23:08:42

He is insane. Properly insane. You are going to end up with a stalker at this rate.

I also don't think much of your best friend for seeing him again. If someone spoke to my best friend like that, I'd be furious.

PussInCoutts Tue 28-Feb-17 23:09:39

Yes sounds frightening.

Your best friend sounds desperate to find someone to partner up with. It's pathetic and cruel, but I've seen this so many times - best friends being discarded for the opportunity to be with some (usually dodgy) guy.

Jeez. Also definitely worth starting logging it all as this frightening weirdo could already be reported to the police for harassment. If he continues this please , please report him!

He sounds entirely unhinged. And your best friend sounds utterly desperate to stop being single.

bringbacksideburns Tue 28-Feb-17 23:26:25

Leave them to it. Your friend knows where you are.
Tell your DH everything - just incase he tries to twist stuff. You went on 4 dates and he's obviously very insecure and weird.

Most importantly - do not engage.
Screen your numbers - if you don't recognise a number do not answer.
Hopefully after half a dozen dates she'll realise he's a fruit loop.

Bananamanfan Tue 28-Feb-17 23:38:01

Agree you need to tell dh everything this guy has said; he sounds weird.

GeekyWombat Tue 28-Feb-17 23:52:53

Definitely block and do not engage. What a weirdo!

Newyearnewbrain Wed 01-Mar-17 00:15:20

If anyone talked to my best friend in front of me like that, it would be an automatic no.

I hope she's not getting sucked into the drama and attention but if she is, you might not have much influence over her for a while.

Def ignore/block crazyface though.

MichaelSheensNextDW Wed 01-Mar-17 01:30:37

What you say about feeling 'indebted' or 'beholden' could reflect a difficulty with social rules (this is just what came to mind when reading your posts).

Is it that you feel you're being given something you didn't ask for, and you think you should repay it, but can't?

Would it help to think of the situation just as a practical decision, ie you and other person couldn't go through the doorway at the same time - it had to be you or her otherwise neither of you would go anywhere.

Have you always felt like this and behaved like this or is this a recent thing?

MichaelSheensNextDW Wed 01-Mar-17 01:31:23

Sorry wrong thread blush

SoleBizzz Wed 01-Mar-17 01:49:18

Your frI end is so low within herself and lonely she has not only not followed you out of the pub but gone on a second date with him. In my opinion this nutter is still upset with you for not being sexually intimate with him and then datung and eventually matting someone else. This is hos revenge. Judging by his creepy behaviour it won't end here. I'd seriously question my friendship with my best friend also. Keep a diary. Record all numbers. Do not engage. Keep your wits about you if he knows where you live.

As fir your best friend I would tell her how I felt. Betrayed and thar she is desparate to fate an utter creep.

He still fancies you.

SoleBizzz Wed 01-Mar-17 01:58:28

As for rocking the boat in between you and your DH. Why do you say that?

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