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Please help - adoption reunion stories please

(12 Posts)
cafenoirbiscuit Tue 28-Feb-17 20:51:14

DH was adopted 40+ years ago as a newborn. He has had no contact with birth family since, but has since traced BM via an agency, got her whereabouts, and has asked the local fostering and adoption team to contact her. We are a bit scared about what to expect, and he's very wobbly about it. What happens if she doesn't want to know him? How do I support him? And if she does - what can we hope for?
Anyone out there been through this, and can give us some advice?
Thanks to anyone reading this

FilledSoda Tue 28-Feb-17 20:59:12

I've been in your DH's shoes.
I contacted my BM directly myself , which isn't recommended.
I frightened the life out of her so as rocky a start as is possible really but over the years we have a relationship of sorts.
Her family are unaware of my existence which hurts me a lot.
I don't feel like I've found a missing piece , I feel like I'm still being rejected to be honest.
Every situation is so different though.
Just love him and listen to him.
It's very hard . even when its good iykwim

cafenoirbiscuit Tue 28-Feb-17 22:55:39

Thx for your reply, Soda. We're not close geographically or emotionally to his adoptive family, but we are fond of one cousin. He confessed to her he was scared she'd reject him again. He isn't one for saying much, but I know it's all there, bubbling away under the surface. I'm scared he'll crumble if she doesn't reply

birdladyfromhomealone Tue 28-Feb-17 23:56:40

another not good story - sorry.
My birth mother rejected me twice.
My entire birth story was made up by my adopted mother. Birth Mother was not an innocent single girl but a 26 year old with three previous children one of which she kept.
The agency called and her husband answered and said we know what this is about and you can tell her to fuck off.
We met 6 weeks later - she changed her mind but after a year I cut my losses.
I was not her daughter.
My DH was my rock, he was what I needed not her. My family now is my family not someone that was only part of my life for nine months.
Hope it is different for your DH. Surely there are some happy endings?

Crispbutty Wed 01-Mar-17 00:05:42

I am mid 40's and traced my birth mother 5 years ago (both adoptive parents have died) . We met and it was ok. It answered questions for me and was good to see resemblences with biological family.

Birth mother died a year later so I am very glad I did do it when I did as otherwise it would have been too late.

Crispbutty Wed 01-Mar-17 00:06:24

I am also still in contact now with a couple of my cousins.

inlectorecumbit Wed 01-Mar-17 00:09:46

yet another story-not a positive outcome
My BM died before l had the chance to meet her.
My 1/2 siblings who l met turned out to be emotionally screwed up by the birth mums lifestyle choices
There was a second child born 1 year after me also put up for adoption
I found the family by myself while browsing genes reunited, they knew nothing of me but initially welcomed me with open arms. Little did l know they saw me as a financial get out clause of their problems.
For my own sanity l cut contact several years ago as l came to realise we may share a birth parent but lifestyle, values and upbringing were poles apart.
I often ask myself would l do it again if l could turn back time and the answer is yes.It did answer most of my questions anad fill in some of the blanks in my life. It did however leave me mentally screwed up for a year or so while l processed the information.
I would never ever recommend anyone trace/meet up with birth families without some kind of counselling first.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to ask more.

I hope your DH has a better outcome than mine

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Wed 01-Mar-17 12:27:26

I'm in my 50s. I was adopted at 6 weeks old.

I was ambivelent about tracing my birth mother for a long time. But took the plunge in my early 30's. I had to have counselling first.

I met her and it was just a total non event. She tried to maintain contact but l felt overwhelmed by her neediness, it was just too much. So l stopped contact. My adoptive mother was my mum as were my family. I couldn't quite get my head round someone who would just give up their baby, although l appreciate things were different then. She would refer to ds as "technically" her grandson. This just freaked me out.

Anyway ds rediscovered her on fb when he was about 17. She talks to him on Skype and stuff. I have on my fb but hide her posts. She is totally opposite to my political views. Thinks Trump or Brexit are great, her posts started to annoy the hell out of me.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Wed 01-Mar-17 13:04:33

My ex was adopted at birth after being born to a 15 year old girl whose boyfriend did a bunk. He spent from the ages of 16 to 30 scouring the electoral registers and placing ads in newspapers and on teletext before he finally found his birth mother. She had moved away from her home town, married someone else and had children with him, and none of them knew she had had a child at 15. He wrote to her and she told her family about him, then we went to meet her and her husband, and gradually he became part of the family. His adoptive parents took it badly, but they reconciled with him just before they died. He is still in touch with his birth mother and her family, but has always had a chip on his shoulder and blames his adoption for how messed up and abusive he is to women. (Personally I think that's just an excuse for being a prick).

cafenoirbiscuit Thu 09-Mar-17 17:23:33

Hello all - wanted to let you know that we heard today she is keen to start contact - was v pleased to hear that DH had traced her. I know the SW (an ex-colleague) who has been involved, and she had a long and v nice chat today.
He now has to write a letter, and send a pic.
Don't think he's written a letter since school!!
Eeeek. It's all becoming real shock

Tinyfeet2 Mon 04-Sep-17 23:42:23

Just found out my husband birth mother wants to meet my husband, she rejected my call and my letter, I then continued to find his brother. Two years later he has told her that he knows everything. She cried and was so happy that her secret was out 56 years later. She can't wait to meet him. I am now terrified about his emotions and what it might do to her she is a frail old lady in her 80's not meeting until November but we can't wait, long long story but we have to. Brother is so like husband and they could. R twins, personality arms, hairline! They would of. Erm so close and hoping they will be.

Susie1q Tue 05-Sep-17 21:41:39

I am a adoption researcher I have carried out over 500 reunions and also my husband was adopted at 6 weeks so can see it from all angels my best advise would be never ever make contact yourself with a birth parent always get a intermediary to act. Please also bear in mind all you have in common is blood it is very difficult to have a relationship with someone you dont know my husband does have very minimal contact with her now but has gained lots of medical information for himself and his children. I am happy to answer any questions I also research for free so if I can help drop me a line good luck Sue

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