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It's a cliché but we're over

(62 Posts)
jerryfudd Tue 28-Feb-17 13:07:06

Never thought I'd be writing this. Thought we were happily married (20 years together with 3 young kids) and were in it for the longhaul. However since turning 40 he's been distant and he finally admitted last night that he's not happy, considers we've grown apart, can't say he's in love with me (says he doesn't know what he feels but can't say he is), can't say he fancies me (same reason given) and when pushed said he didn't think there was anyway of saving us.

Absolutely heartbroken. Can't believe he left it to point of no return (paraphrasing) as opposed to admitting issues earlier so we could try and do something about it.

He seemed shocked that I've asked him to leave. He seemed to think we could continue living together "and see what happens". Now if he still had feelings for me and there were other issues I could see the point of it however surely there's no way back after what has been said?

He swears there's is no ow (I know they always do) but I have no way of actually knowing although up to now have no reason to believe there is/was.

He wants to talk again tonight. He seems to be back pedalling about the situation and I feel it's merely in an attempt to keep his convenient life (me as house keeper and nanny and easy access to kids around the crazy hours he works.

I feel numb and don't know where I go from here

wobblywonderwoman Tue 28-Feb-17 13:11:04

Where to go from here is think of how much happier you are going to be without him and with someone who genuinely loves you sad

There is no going back from that chat, HD should have said something before. Stop doing things for him, get your finances in order, get him out.

TroubleinDaFamily Tue 28-Feb-17 13:11:23

It is better to walk alone, than badly accompanied.

birdybirdywoofwoof Tue 28-Feb-17 13:13:30

He seems to be back pedalling about the situation and I feel it's merely in an attempt to keep his convenient life (me as house keeper and nanny and easy access to kids around the crazy hours he works.

Don't let him. Your instinct - that he should go if he doesn't want to be your husband - is spot on. You can't live like that.

tipsytrifle Tue 28-Feb-17 13:18:33

It's upto you if you want to do the "talking" thing but maybe it would be better if this was done when he has found somewhere else to stay for now? Since he's backtracking and is no doubt about to try and stay put this could turn into a soul-sucking episode in your life that will leave you in limbo for as long as it lasts. If he was clear enough to want to end it, you might need to be clear enough not to endure the agony of living in limbo? Just my opinion, OP. It really is up to you.

I'd suggest that he at least has the guts to give you space, even if you decide to try and pick up the debris and try again. Him moving out would change the energy of this situation. I'm not sure a new start - or even an ending - can be born in stagnant air like this. What do you feel about that idea?

jerryfudd Tue 28-Feb-17 13:27:10

I cried most of the night. It came out of nowhere. Upto beginning of year all was fine, making long term plans etc (some of which will now need cancelling). Then this year things changed. I kept pushing to find out what happening but he maintained that whilst he was fed up it was nothing to do with us. He insisted we were fine. I put it down to stress as very stressful job. Now I'm angry because it clearly was to do with us, it's just I wasn't being let in on that fact.

He's saying this morning that he never said there was nothing to save and I provoked him into saying just that. If I trust my gut I know theres no going back as I'd never believe he was here for us, merely for the kids, but my heart is breaking

RubyWinterstorm Tue 28-Feb-17 13:29:45

I think your instinct to ask him to leave is spot on.

Take it from there, take time to think.

He may try to win you back, and then it is up to you to decide what you want to do.

Asking him to leave is a good sensible thing to do, as it will clarify things, and it means you are taking control of a painful situation

magoria Tue 28-Feb-17 13:30:50

So he thinks there is no way of saving your relationship but can you please keep washing his pants?

Seems to sum it up?

You deserve better.

birdybirdywoofwoof Tue 28-Feb-17 13:31:48

You poor thing. What a shock.

He either works hard to change it, counselling, opening up, explaining, planning, doing normal loving partner things, or he can go.

Try to be strong now - it will save you a lot of heartbreak later.

It sounds like you are right to think he thought he'd just get an easy ride for a few months while he decides if he wants you or not. Don't let him treat you like that.

jerryfudd Tue 28-Feb-17 13:35:14

I think his "we've grown apart" is actually he's outgrown me sad

I'm very all or nothing and if he can't give me his all then I think I'd be better off with nothing

MiddleClassProblem Tue 28-Feb-17 13:35:22

If he really wanted to be with you he would want to work on it and be willing to live seperately whilst you go to couples counciling

Purrrcat Tue 28-Feb-17 13:40:26

No no no

Please do not let him stay, for the sake of your own sanity.

Your story sounds identical to mine. Husband didn't love me the way he should but wanted to stay in case things changed. Turned out he was hedging his bets to see how things worked with OW.

I am not saying there is anyone else involved, but If anything, you need space to process this revaluation.

Purrrcat Tue 28-Feb-17 13:41:21

* Revelation

TheNaze73 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:41:38

As hard & as raw as it may feel at the moment, it sounds like you'll both be better off for this in the long run

birdybirdywoofwoof Tue 28-Feb-17 13:42:27

I'm very all or nothing and if he can't give me his all then I think I'd be better off with nothing

Well, I think that's fair enough...If he's suddenly so unhappy, doesn't love you, doesn't fancy you anymore, then what the hell is he doing hanging around for? What does he expect you to do?

NorksAreMessy Tue 28-Feb-17 13:45:43

Sorry to add to the cliches list, but cherchez la femme

ofudginghell Tue 28-Feb-17 13:46:24

Him being shocked that you asked him to leave is probably because he expected you to carry on regardless while he lived the single life.
What an ass.
Tell him he's the one who's in control of the situation because he's told you he's no longer happy so now you know that you are going to make decisions for yourself and not as a married women seeing as he decided to not speak to you until it was too late,in his wordsshock
I wouldn't want dh in my space if he did that to me either. I would want to have space to think and start deciding what I was going to do.

jerryfudd Tue 28-Feb-17 13:47:42

Birdy that's what I don't understand. If he feels all those things how long was he going to continue stringing me along?!

Finola1step Tue 28-Feb-17 13:48:23

Tell him to move out. To a hotel for now if need be. A few lonely nights in the local Travelodge may give him the kick up the backside he needs. But by goodness, he would have to work his socks off if you decided to give it another go.

Also, some time apart at this stage will give you the chance to work out what you want. This isn't all about his feelings now.

birdybirdywoofwoof Tue 28-Feb-17 13:48:25

Mm, It came out of nowhere. quite often means: there's this new woman at work/my ex got in touch on line/y'know that night out I went on last month...

You sound like you've got very strong instincts OP, use them...listen to what he's not saying.

jerryfudd Tue 28-Feb-17 13:51:17

See I've obviously questioned whether there's someone else/has someone in mind but he adamantly denys it. I have no way of knowing as he works long hours and is away a lot most weeks and his phone is password protected for work reasons etc so I only have his word, which at this point isn't worth much to be honest

user1479305498 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:52:49

I feel the same as your husband --reverse situation. I have my letter ready for when my ducks in a row. No-one else involved, he just let me down very badly 11 years ago and got hugely over involved emotionally/romantically and gaslighted me for years, along with some overtexting a female assistant of ours this year (nothing dodgy I know, just way too much of it kept secret ). Found out to what extent recently and I cannot at the moment feel the same about him. Trust is on leave as is love at the moment. In my case I am saying that I am moving out (no kids at home) and want to meet up as "dates" , him to have IC counselling too and to see how we feel in 6 months time. At the moment I do still care and there isnt any "hate", I just want space in my head and life to think , without being asked/rushed to move oversseas or book holidays or go out all day etc, etc After 21 years I think thats the best I can offer to keep sanity. He may well say "sod off" thats a risk I have to take. Maybe in your case if he is "unsure" and erupted on the spur of the moment and you are too, something like this might be best, sometimes space and time to think without the other person being "in your face" can be a good thing. My councellor is very pro this--even if it tells you that you actually prefer it apart .

jerryfudd Tue 28-Feb-17 13:53:37

I'm a sahm who gave up my career to look after kids because he put all the hours and commitment into work (I could never have earnt what he does). This is why I think he's outgrown me

HappyDadOf3 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:54:05

There seems to be a general trend of people suggesting to just end it as opposed to trying to talk about how people feel with a view to assessing if it is repairable.

Life, work, children throw so much at all of us it is inevitable that we change and often lose touch with our DP on aspects in life and slowly seem to stop talking to each other.

Whilst he may have said when pushed "he didn't think there was anyway of saving us" this could be that he doesn't know how, not that he isn't willing. This could be a simple case of reading more into it than was intended.

Try talking to him, surely someone who you have spent 20 years with and had 3 children is worth another couple of hours to hear out?

None of us are perfect and often say things we shouldn't or they come out wrong/ can be interpreted differently.

What do you have to lose if you at least try talking?

BeMorePanda Tue 28-Feb-17 13:55:04

you are correct OP, of course he has to go.

Sounds like the thought he could tell you he didn't love you & there is no way of saving the relationship, and then he would bide his time at home, while you did the "pick me dance" and he moved on with his life while you kept house/kids for him.

Your instinct to say you need to leave is spot on. I hope he is gracious enough to respect your wishes and give you some space now, instead of trying to make this all about him (and his meals/dirty pants/cosy home life).

flowers for you xx

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