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Staying if you don't find your DH attractive?

(105 Posts)
PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 12:53:00

I have NC for this.

Been with DH over 10 years. Have one DC. I am not sure if I love DH, I don't even like him sometimes. I don't find him attractive. I married as was desperate for DC, and realise this was a mistake.
My life now if deep down unhappy but sort of bearable. Tempted to have affairs as feel unfulfiled and bored, besides being unhappy. Have tried to talk to DH but he just says 'you're not' when I say I'm unhappy. Unsure how to deal with someone telling you you don't know how you feel. My Mother used to do the same.

I expect I'll get little sympathy for making a mistake of marrying him, but I do love DC so one good thing has come out of it.

I have depression and various therapists have said my mother caused me lots of issues and that relationship with DH is sustaining it.

Not sure what I'm asking for really - just advice, opinions I suppose, wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation. I feel very lonely and embarrassed to confide in anyone in RL.

loinnir Tue 28-Feb-17 13:20:26

You probably don't find your husband attractive as he ignores your needs and treats you as your abusive mother did - no wonder you want to leave. He sounds controlling. Therapists have told you that your husband is perpetuating the problems your mother caused - please start to make plans to leave, especially for the good of your child.

HotNatured Tue 28-Feb-17 13:24:15

Ioninni noticed you conveniently missed the part where the OP said that she married because she was desperate for a child. Her poor 'D' H fucks sake hmm

TheNaze73 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:26:42

Ioninni, did you actually read the post??

My advice would be to free your DH. You both sound unengaged & bored.

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 13:30:47

I've tried to 'free' him but I don't think he wants to be 'freed'.

I have told him I'm unhappy and want to leave. He just says 'no you're not' and 'no you don't'. I feel confused as life is not unbearable, just not good or happy.

I told DH I was making a mistake & didn't love him before we got married, and he still insisted we got married.

HarmlessChap Tue 28-Feb-17 13:50:35

I told DH I was making a mistake & didn't love him before we got married, and he still insisted we got married.

I think you probably had an opportunity to not say "I do" at several point......

CaraAspen Tue 28-Feb-17 13:54:42

I feel sorry for him. What do you expect people to say?

Happybunny19 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:56:44

You don't need his permission to just leave, but you're being unreasonable to expect him to. It's hardly surprising you now feel this way after effectively using him as a sperm donor.

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 28-Feb-17 14:00:44

Don't waste his time.

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:04:24

So I should just walk away then?

I accept I entered into it for a specific reason and am not getting any love or support from it - but he's getting something out of it too as he seems to be happy enough.

I am in effect staying to keep in happy, so don't understand why people feel sorry for him.

Also unsure what in my OP prompted the 'you both sound bored / disengaged' comment.

Surely walking away would be the more unkind / selfish thing to do?

Expected a bit more reasoned help TBH.

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:05:01

We have been together 10 years - if he thought his time was being wasted he could have left me!

TreeTop7 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:05:40

I feel for both of you. For his sake and yours I think that you need to be the robust one now, and firmly put an end to this farce no matter what he says. Start by seeing a solicitor about the custody and money practicalities and then speak to him very seriously. He'll be very hurt but he'll realise eventually that it's the right thing.

Poor bloke. Set him free and don't go breaking his heart by giving him tiny amounts of time with his child either.

Zero sympathy from me. You created this meaa yourself and will hurt your husband and child much more than you've 'hurt' yourself by using him.

If you want to leave, leave, don't make him move out and don't take everything away from him. It's your mistake, not his

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:09:51

TripTrap - fair enough but where in my posts does it suggest I want him to move out, I don't know why people are assuming that!

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:11:12

And where's all this about 'setting him free' coming from?

I'm not keeping him prisoner.

He is free to do as he pleases. I am maintaining status quo in order to protect his feelings.

ExitStage Tue 28-Feb-17 14:13:32

We all make mistakes in life. Some are minor, some are huge. At least your mistake isn't irreversible.

You can't change what's happened, but you don't have to live with that mistake.

Your answer to 'no you're not' and 'no you dont' are 'I am' and 'yes I do'.

Once free, you can then work on what's best for you.

Lemonnaise Tue 28-Feb-17 14:13:39

Don't start an affair while you're still with him, that's just cruel. If you really want to leave, just go, he can't stop you.

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

birdybirdywoofwoof Tue 28-Feb-17 14:15:40

You made a mistake marrying him - but there's no reason you have to live your life suffering the consequences of this mistake. This is 2017, thank Christ, you can end a marriage for whatever reason.

You are important too. You are unhappy, you need to change that. Think what you'd tell your DC if they were in that situation. Would you want them punished over and over again? NO!

I wish you lots and lots of luck.

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:18:54

He says he loves me.

I don't love him.

I have stayed (for 10 years)
(a) for Dh sake
(b) for DC sake
(c) because I married him so I feel obliged.

Also because the status quo, it's easier than disrupting 2 other people's lives when I can just about cope with things. I am not happy but I have food on the table, a job, health. I could be a lot worse off.

duckwalk Tue 28-Feb-17 14:20:43

Just leave confused he didn't make you marry him, as a pp said I'm sure you had plenty of opportunities before your wedding to get out, or just simply not turn up.
You sound quite defensive in your replies to posters...if you can't take criticism then don't post your issues on a public forum.hmm

PollyPerky Tue 28-Feb-17 14:22:02

Your DH really seems to love you and doesn't want you to leave. I understand how that makes it really hard for you. If you are sure there is no hope of making things better , you should leave. Of course it may be hard financially and although he isn't unhappy, it may be better for your DC to stay in the family home, with your DH leaving. This is something you need to discuss with him. He is clearly in denial and doesn't want the marriage to end.

I am sure you feel guilty but both of you have a long time ahead of you. Don't waste 2 lives by sticking with it out of duty. But at the same time, don't assume the grass is greener. You will be swapping one set of problems for another. Are you able to manage as a single parent, financially? Assume you have given this a lot of thought.

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:22:04

How about this Trip - I have given up 10 years of my life trying to love someone I don't. I am not a martyr, I am pragmatic. And put up with controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour (for most of my childhood and adult life) - but I'm a b*tch? It is wise not to make assumptions when you don't know the full facts.

PiedsPortable Tue 28-Feb-17 14:22:54

duckwalk - I am not being defensive, just pointing out inaccuracies or where posters have made assumptions which are not correct.

Happybunny19 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:25:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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