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Advice sought, sex life gone stale, partner upset

(40 Posts)
user1488281699 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:57:10

Hi,

First time poster and long time trawler.

To cut to the point, I am 27 and my partner is the same age. We have been together 9 years and have a child together. All has been great for us but unfortunately our sex life has been waning for the last two years.

I love him and he loves me, but his sex drive is higher than mine. He compliments me often and desires sex with me as opposed to masturbating. But I feel like he wants sex at almost every interaction going in bed. I dare not kiss him or hug incase he tries it on. When we do have sex and I am not fully all there, I often lay on my back with my leg cocked up or on my side with a lazy doggy style. He has pulled out and had a strop many a time with this, and says it feels so loveless and passionless he would rather not bother. He has bought me toys, lingerie and trips away but I just dont feel like having sex.

Most nights we sit down stairs, we watch somethng and Im on my phone and he asks me to put the phone down and show some interest in chatting or cuddling etc. But Im zoning out. I know he feels I am glued to my phone and feels pushed out by me, but Ive told him its the way it is and get over it. But this weekend gone it all came to a head. The kids were away, I offered to dress up later on and we went for a nice meal. Came back, walked the dog together holding hands, returned for a glass of wine and he had a shower and returned back to me. But I wasnt feeling sex at all, so I just chilled on phone and drank another glass. We went to bed, he tried for a kiss but I gave quick kiss and buried my head down for sleep. He looked gutted and asked what was the matter. He said he hoped we were finishing on a high and I replied I hated high expectations, to which he said 'I only have hopes, not expectations, I have come to realise your phone is as important to you as I am if not more and that youre disinterested in me sexually, its either rejection or half hearted, I cant do this any more'. A few words were exchanged and I said he ruined the night, he wished me good night and we slept. Day after he went to his Mums and I went to mine, he bought flowers and chocs, some bits for my car etc and tidied up around house. But since he has said he feels we are drifting apart and it feels as if we are friends who share a bed.

I know deep down I am pushing him away, I know he loves me and wont cheat but I also just dont feel so deeply into him as he does with me. He wants to try things, I dont. He wants more and I am content. What should I do?

user1479305498 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:06:10

All I can say is Im 55 and have same issue-- clearly at 55 (and 39 years of a sex life) Im meant to be as up for it as when I was 25, he is only a couple of years younger. To be honest my sex drive went south within around 4 years of marrying second husband. It isnt just him either, I really wouldnt fancy it f george Clooney rocked up, I have no idea why, its just "how I am"

pocketsaviour Tue 28-Feb-17 12:13:44

Set him free. You clearly don't love him and the repeated rejections must be crushing his self esteem.

I know he loves me and wont cheat

Are you serious?!

Happybunny19 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:17:08

Exactly what pocket just said. You're being cruel keeping him hanging like this.

Cricrichan Tue 28-Feb-17 12:20:30

He sounds like a sex pest tbh. Wanting sex at every kids or getting into bed etc must be really off putting! No wonder it's putting you off altogether and then to be grumpy if you don't 'put out' will make you desire him less.

Sit him down and tell him that whilst you love him and love sex, you don't want it all the time and his expectations and pestering is putting you off altogether. If you have a young child, a mother gets a bit touched out and you're on duty all the time whilst the child is awake. When they're asleep, you just want some chill time and not cater for anybody else's needs.

Regardless, whenever ive been pestered for sex, it puts me off altogether and I avoid anything that might lead him to think it might be sex time!

gamerchick Tue 28-Feb-17 12:21:55

but Ive told him its the way it is and get over it

Poor bloke confused you're really not being fair and it's not really sex that's the issue. You're content but he's telling you he's unhappy and you don't care.

I wouldn't put up with what you're doing from my husband.

OnionKnight Tue 28-Feb-17 12:22:31

If I were you I'd end it, you're both young and its unlikely that you'll start to want more sex.

He does sound like a pain in the arse TBH but that might be because of the rejection.

Dadaist Tue 28-Feb-17 12:23:39

What kind of love do you think you have for him OP?
Do you really think you are content? It sounds more like you have him in some kind of 'death grip' where your relationship is sinking and you are clinging on to him so that you both drown!
There are things you can do to address this - but you would have to want to feel differently.
Maybe look at this link as a start and see what you think? m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs
I hope some mums will be on who may have experienced this and found a positive outcome - and if you're looking for advice then that is positive at least.
(BTW the phone thing would really piss me off too - but it's symptomatic of your hostility toward him - in spite of your expression of love)

MattBerrysHair Tue 28-Feb-17 12:31:11

It reads as though you really aren't bothered about his feelings. Are you interested in interacting with him or do you genuinely prefer the phone? I've been in your position and it was awful. The neediness of my ex was a product of my pushing him away and I felt terribly guilty about causing him distress, which I tried to minimise by being open about my feelings, acknowledging his feelings and doing other non-sexual things together because we both cared for and respected each other. I'm not getting that from your post. We ended things mutually 2 years ago and are still friends and are both in sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationships.

Every1lovesPatsy Tue 28-Feb-17 12:32:49

This was me: I ended it.

I'm glad I ended it, he was upset for a year, then met someone and was with them for a year...now year 3 we are both single and getting on well as co-parents.

My sex drive went bananas and I had lots of sex between little romances and flings, he had access to sex and his self esteem improved, he lost weight and looks well.

I think it's a pity it didn't work out because if we just stood for a photo we look like a very nice happy family, two nice adults and 2 nice kids. Separation means financial strain and I carried the burden of that because I triggered the split. I am/was happier to do that than to fall slowly into a trapped depression.

I think what you are describing is very common. A sex therapist would most likely advice you to masturbate more to stimulate your sex drive (this seems to have been suggested to other people I have spoken to).

I really don't know the answer, but if you want to try to stay together happily then therapy is worth a shot.

peggyundercrackers Tue 28-Feb-17 12:37:44

i agree with gamerchick, it sounds like you don't care about him or how he feels and are dismissing his feelings.

user1488281699 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:39:15

Replies,

He tells me he loves me and that even though things havent been ideal he wouldnt cheat but instead wants to work at us. Hence him buying toys and lingerie.

I love him, just dont want sex as much as he does thats all. But he really does seem o desire sex quite frequently. He says sex brings us together and he loves the feeling of being as one and the snuggling up after sex. I also enjoy it but have to be in a mood. He has never in 9 years turned me down so I do feel inbalanced as its clearly a sex drive thing. When I saulid thats the way it is I meant as in I ont change and take me for who I am.

Appreciate all the replies ao far, please keep them coming.

OnionKnight Tue 28-Feb-17 12:45:47

Actually I have thought about it and it would piss me right off if my wife sat there gawping at her phone or tablet, I'm not saying shag him senseless but surely you can understand why he's pissed off?

usernoidea Tue 28-Feb-17 12:51:37

I think there's a few things you could do here. Ultimately though I'm not sure by your post if you don't want sex or you don't want your husband anymore?
Firstly, have a chat with him and say that you don't feel like sex as much but that you do want to cuddle in, kiss etc without feeling like that means that you need to shag him after doing those things. I also think you need to apologise for using your phone so much and make a point of putting that away whilst you make an effort with him. X

gamerchick Tue 28-Feb-17 12:56:11

It seems he's craving intimacy and it's coming out as pestering for sex. He wants you to put your phone down and pay him some attention and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Tbh from the tone of your posts it sounds as if you just don't want to be with him at all.

Sunnie1984 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:57:07

How often do you want sex?

Happybunny19 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:02:40

It's so insulting to simply label this man as a sex pest for wanting to enjoy some intimacy with his oh. He seems to be asking to spend quality time together, not just have intercourse ffs. If you find your phone more entertaining than him be honest that the relationship is over and set him free, otherwise make some effort.

If this was reversed a woman would not be accused of being a sex pest, and never should be.

Huskylover1 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:02:44

When we do have sex and I am not fully all there

How nice for him.

* know he feels I am glued to my phone and feels pushed out by me, but I've told him its the way it is and get over it*

Lovely.

Can't you see that you are pushing him away?

Also, you said that you were going to dress in something sexy for him later. You came home, had a glass of wine, he then showered (presumably because the seed had been planted that you were going to have sex). You decided you couldn't be bothered, so instead had more to drink and didn't dress up or have sex as previously suggested. And the next day he bought you flowers. Fucking hell!

I actually think this must be a reverse.

Personally, if I was him, I'd leave you.

user1488281699 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:07:32

Im on my phone browsing whilst watching tv. If he suggests a cuddle I fear sex will be wanted/expected. But why I fear I dont know. Average sex lasts less than 10 mins but he takes longer and it begings to feel a chore when he take half an hour. He asks me to get involved and enjoy myself but it pisses me off that he asks anything. I dont want to masturbate whilst he has sex to bring me to climax. I have to feel in the mood either I do and he finishes me off or I simply dont orgasm and go to sleep. I have 3 unworn babydolls and chemises, 1 body suit unused and 2 vibrators unused. I dont see why we need them or he sought to buy them? He said to spice things up but that turns me off.

It does seem I push him away and you guya are right. But if I feel not horny, what can I do? And him wanting me and me having sex as a chore pisses him off as much as it does not having it so its catch22. I do love him.

user1488281699 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:10:13

We have sex once a week, sometimes twice or sometimes one in a week and half. Odd oral here and there, maybe just period time thinking about it.

He is well endowed and sex lasts 30 mins id guess.

usernoidea Tue 28-Feb-17 13:13:08

You've said you love him but do you still fancy him? Do you want go get the spark back?

Kikikaakaa Tue 28-Feb-17 13:13:27

I read this with a cringe at how you deal with him when you reject him trying to even talk to you.

I see a lot of descriptions of sex pests on here and I am not convinced he is one. He doesn't want to have sex with you when you don't enjoy it, which is normal. He's also just trying romance and communication not just sex with you. Not even talking to him in the evenings will kill this relationship faster than the sex issue. You also did set his hopes up although it's totally ok to say no to sex, it's also ok for him to be disappointed and sad at the lack of intimacy and how this appears to be 'all his fault'.
You can't rekindle your sex drive if you don't fancy him. You don't say you desire him, if you don't, you need to be honest about that and put him out of his misery. You don't sound compatible.

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Feb-17 13:13:32

My advice would be to stay off your phone and have a relationship with a human being instead. It would drive me fucking nuts if I was with someone who was on his phone all the time.

OnionKnight Tue 28-Feb-17 13:20:19

OP judging by your more recent posts its obvious you don't really care about him, set him free.

Bananamanfan Tue 28-Feb-17 13:20:47

I think you are using your phone as a signal that you don't want sex in the hope that he will get the message. You need to be brave & honest with him. Put the phone down, give him your time & maybe agree to have evenings where are you are definitely not going to have sex, but kiss & hug, watch a film, talk & try to reconnect without you feeling under pressure.
He must feel very hurt, although i do understand how difficult and unsexy it is to feel pressurised.
Give yourselves some boundaries; like phone free time & sex free time

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