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Naked photos of his past

(90 Posts)
Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:08:03

Ok so this is it...

My fiancé is a motorsports photographer and last week he was on a job and a client urgently needed him to send a photo over. As he was unable to send it he asked me to. No problem at all. The photo was on his hard drive, he gave me all of the instructions and job done. I started looking at his older photography work on the hard drive, mostly being nosey but feeling proud at how far he has come over the years.

Then I saw an unnamed folder and I opened it. I wish I hadn't. I found hundreds of naked photos of his ex girlfriend, all of them incredibly graphic and some including him having sex with her. Within the folder were also photos from other 'conquests', (all sexual photos) including photos of a 'friend'.

I lost it. Completely and utterly broke down. The issue I have here is that he has looked at them all recently. While I have been in the house, after I have gone to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that men will be men and sometimes they look at porn etc. That I have no issue with. In this instance they are people from his past, and people that are very much in our lives right now. All of the photos were received before we got together as well.

I feel completely betrayed by him. I asked him why and he said it was 'an ego thing'? That he had never been "a hit with the ladies" when he was younger and he looks at the photos from time to time to make himself feel better. I am so completely confused as surely he shouldn't need to do that as he has me now.

It is so hard to not take this personally. My immediate reaction was, 'what am I not doing that is driving him to this, what can I do to stop him doing these things'; which I know isn't right. All I keep thinking is that in the moments when he is feeling horny (urgh hate that word!), instead of coming to me, he has chosen to look at those photos for gratification.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him as I truly believe we are stronger than this but I can't stop seeing those photos and I can't stop the hurt.

Happybunny19 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:15:48

I would react badly to this too and I doubt we're alone. This isn't looking at porn, it's reliving moments of intimacy that he experienced with others.

If it was me I would ask him to get rid of them. If he refuses that would be a deal breaker for me.

Does he understand your upset? How would he feel if you had, and looked at, explicit photos of you and your exs?

Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:20:30

@Happybunny19 When I confronted him he was completely devastated and deleted them instantly. He is in bits right now because he knows he has hurt me so much.

I said the same thing to him about if it was me. When we started seeing each other I deleted everything like that from my past because I don't need it. He is my everything but he decided to keep his. And look at them.

ShoutOutToMyEx Tue 28-Feb-17 11:22:55

I'd leave my DP for this, seriously. I think it's an awful breach of trust and so humiliating not just for you but for the women in the pics. Do they know he still has all those photos? That he still looks at them? Do they even know he took them?

I couldn't marry someone with this little respect for me, and for women in general to be honest.

And, also, its bloody creepy.

CharlieChopstix Tue 28-Feb-17 11:29:34

I don't know if I'd leave him but I'd be furious and upset. Keep taking to him. He's immediately deleted them, he's devastated he's upset you and I assume he's willing to talk this over with you? Only you know what your relationship is like generally .. if it's good and if he's open to thrashing this out then at least give that a go and see how you feel in time

LittleRed90 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:29:38

I'd be absolutely heartbroken and it would take me a very long time to get over... But i'm the type of person who forgives but doesn't ever forget.

This isn't something you need to end your relationship over, he's clearly very upset that he's been caught but... that being said, he has some serious work to do to gain your trust, and no doubt confidence back. I hope he understands that his disgusting actions have cut deep. There are women out there who would chuck him in a heartbeat. You poor thing, you deserve allll the wine. xx

Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:29:47

@ShoutOutToMyEx Out of the four girls, three of them are completely out of his life now. There is the one girl that we see a few times a year. I had a gut feeling there was something between them, a flirtation I guess. He assures me that nothing happened apart from a few flirty exchanges which include her sending him naked photos, but nothing more.

CharlieChopstix Tue 28-Feb-17 11:33:05

We're all these 'flirty exchanges' before you got together with him? How long have you been together

Happybunny19 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:33:48

I'm glad his response was suitable and he's deleted them (voluntarily?). Although it's obviously hurtful, I wouldn't end a relationship based just on this after a reasonable reaction from him like this. He'll obviously have to rethink his boundaries and make every effort to rebuild your trust though. Having said that I probably wouldn't be booking the wedding just yet.

Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:34:16

@CharlieChopstix He's very open to talking about it as he knows he deserves all of the things that I am saying to him. He is actually starting counselling tomorrow for a separate issue but has decided to bring this up to try and figure out why he does it.

@LittleRed90 He is willing to do anything and everything to make things better and knows that this will take time. I won't end things because of this because we are more than this. Oh and the wine is helping massively! x

LittleRed90 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:35:17

Okay so I'm mulling this over because I feel absolutely heartbroken for you. My OH has just told me that this is actually FAR FAR worse than porn because when looking at these photos, he would have been remembering things... certain actions. In all reality, I probably would leave him.

Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:35:37

@CharlieChopstix They were before we got together. Probably a year before I met him. We've been together for two years now.

Bellerophon Tue 28-Feb-17 11:36:58

He sounds like he is really mortified and willing to work through it which is the main thing. Hope it works out for you both.

RockyBird Tue 28-Feb-17 11:38:30

He's not argued about it or defended himself and gone ahead and deleted the pictures.

I'd say his response is ok so far.

SleepFreeZone Tue 28-Feb-17 11:39:47

I'm a bit torn on this.

First off all expect those photos to be backed up somewhere as I suspect the deleting them all was a show move and nothing more.

My DP has lots of photos on our computer of him and his ex. They were together 14 years and I have no problem with them. I doubt there are any sexual ones as it's not his style, but I haven't looked that hard, there could be for all I know. Would I be pissed off if he was looking through them recently? Don't think so, but perhaps I would if they were sexual.

Anyway it wouldn't be a sacking offends in my mind, unless he was meeting up with these women regularly. Then I would obviously expect they were having an affair.

Purplebluebird Tue 28-Feb-17 11:40:27

How heartbreaking for you :/ Glad he's responding "appropriately" to it though, means you can work through it together.

Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:57:16

@SleepFreeZone I wouldn't have a problem if he has photos of his ex's that are normal photos, everyone has a past and I fully understand that. It's the ego thing that I'm really struggling with as I just don't understand why he doesn't get that gratification from me.

SleepFreeZone Tue 28-Feb-17 12:01:18

But I don't think it has anything at all to do with you and how he feels about you. I can totally see it's an ego thing from his perspective.

WannaBe Tue 28-Feb-17 12:11:24

And this is why it's never a good idea to let your partner take explicit pictures.

TBH OP for me it would be over. It's not the fact he took them, or the fact he even still had them, it's the fact that he feels the need to visit his past sexual exploits even though he is apparently in a committed relationship.

I mean let's be brutally honest here, you don't go looking at pictures of you having sex with someone else just to boost your ego. He won't have just looked, those pictures will have brought back memories, of the actions that led up to the act, of the things they said to each other, and he will have been turned on by those. By his ex girlfriends.

His remorse is irrelevant here. The only reason he's remorseful is because he's been caught. If you hadn't said anything he would have continued to revisit those pictures over and over.

And agreed with PP, he will have backups, there's no way he's just deleted them in sudden realisation that what he was doing was wrong. Not a chance.

Huskylover1 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:18:56

I could, at a real push, get over this if he hadn't looked at them in years. But believe me, he would have to grovel for weeks, just for the fact he hadn't deleted them.

BUT..... He looks at them still? Oh Fuck No. That is so inappropriate. Instead of focusing on you, he is reminiscing about the sex he had with them. Is he wanking over these photo's? I would imagine so. Shouldn't he be in bed with you instead?

Do these women know that he took the photo's? If not, doubly bad

Are you sure he isn't filming you having sex?

And regarding when you say this:

He assures me that nothing happened apart from a few flirty exchanges which include her sending him naked photos, but nothing more

Do you mean the naked pics were sent by her recently, or before you met him? If it's the former, sorry, game totally over.

ShoutOutToMyEx Tue 28-Feb-17 12:22:02

Out of the four girls, three of them are completely out of his life now.

I say this kindly, but they're not, are they? He likes to look at pics of their naked bodies and intimate moments.

I would be completely creeped out to think my ex - and I only have one, and we haven't spoken since we broke up years ago - was still looking at intimate pictures I sent him when we were in a relationship. Especially if he had his new partner in the next room.

I can only speak for myself and say that if DP was doing this he wouldn't be the man I think he is.

I'm sorry, I don't want to upset you. He does sound contrite and he's had the 'right' reaction. Only you know how this all fits in the context of your relationship.

Frank87 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:33:22

@WannaBe @Huskylover1 @ShoutOutToMyEx

You are all right. Completely right. I have said all of these things to him over the last three days since it happened.

@Huskylover1 Most of the photos are ones that the girls have taken and sent to him. In the others the girl is very aware that she is being photographed. All of the photos were received/taken before I was in his life.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Feb-17 12:38:36

Ugh. Why do women put up with these sleazy idiots ?

user1479305498 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:42:05

Frank 87 I have the same, except in my case its a 21 year marriage and it was songs/poems written for someone else (young 21 year old) who worked with us a long time ago and that he kept. very emotional stuff too. I think half the shock is finding this stuff , as you cant understand for the life of you why they havent got rid of it if you matter that much to them. As I said "imagine if anything had happened to you and I had just come across it all, I used to pity people like that. " In my case it was actually "romantic/loving stuff" rather than sexualised stuff, in some ways Im not sure if I would have found that easier, but I can see why you are devastated, as I am too. What I would say is dont do anything rash, try and keep calm, let him grovel and assess how you feel again about it in 6 months--thats what my counsillor told me, if you really feel you cnt forgive and its going to occupy every waking thought, cut your losses however much you think "we are better than that" because having that level of distrust at 2 years is easier to get over than at 21 years.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:42:33

I'd be utterly horrified and honestly, I think I'd be thinking very seriously about ending the relationship.
ShoutOutToMyEx sums it up for me.
On a personal level, he's looking at real women, women who he has had sex with, while he's with you. Remembering everything they did together and getting turned on by it, probably wanking over it.
On a moral level, how foul that he has kept intimate photos of women who he is no longer connected to. There's no respect there for them or for their dignity imo. I'd be disgusted to find out my ex was doing this.

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