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Gift from friend to return or not

(19 Posts)
Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 10:22:17

Looking for advice. A friend bought me a thoughtful experience gift. However the experience involves something that I have a phobia of. I have tried to address this but really am way to anxious to complete the experience.
I called the company and they said that they would offer a credit note in replacement but this would need to be initiated by my friend as she bought the voucher.
I don't want to offend her Burt equally know that the gift wasn't cheap. Should I let her know or just keep quiet and waste it?
She did give it to me a few months ago and I have tried to fulfill the experience however I have had sleepness nights thinking about it and had to cancel my original booking because of the distress.

Branleuse Tue 28-Feb-17 10:24:55

give it back to her. Tell her the truth

Branleuse Tue 28-Feb-17 10:25:15

what was the experience?

Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 10:26:15

She follows MN so don't want to be too specific, however it involves aviation.

allegretto Tue 28-Feb-17 10:28:01

I would tell her. She will probably ask how it went anyway and then you'll have to lie about doing it which would be worse!

Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 10:30:13

I agree allegretto, that's what I thought. If she found out I just wasted it I thought that would be worse than being honest. However I don't want to seem ungrateful, it was so thoughtful. I just really wouldn't enjoy it and actually think I might freeze and not be able to complete it.

Riversleep Tue 28-Feb-17 10:30:24

If she's spent a lot on it, then don't waste it. If I bought a gift for a friend who was then having sleepless nights over it, I'd rather she told me so I could exchange it for something else.

Riversleep Tue 28-Feb-17 10:32:08

If you explain exactly what you've explained here, it doesn't sound ungrateful at all.

MatildaTheCat Tue 28-Feb-17 10:34:59

If she bought you an expensive gift and is a close friend surely she must have had an inkling that this wasn't necessarily your idea of a lovely treat? Was she possibly trying in a ham fisted way to help you overcome your fears?

If that is the case she's actually been pretty presumptious as if she's the one to help cure your phobia. If she had no idea at all then she's simply got it wrong. Either way just tell her and ask her to do whatever she thinks best. If you waste it she's bound to feel upset. She must be a closeish mate so tell her you appreciate the thought but sorry, no, it's not possible.

She may be able to exchange it for something you'd actually enjoy.

Suspendersformybelief Tue 28-Feb-17 10:46:01

The first year I was going out with my BF, I took him on an ace day out with quad-biking, zip-lining etc. It was great, although, I do remember him going quiet as we waited for the zip-line and he only had one go rather than three, saying he had a head ache. And didn't whoop once! Why wasn't he whooping??

A couple of weeks later, his mum mentioned his fairly serious fear of heights and I was mortified. Mortified that he hadn't said anything, he'd put himself through it, and he hadn't felt he could tell me.

If she is such a good friend to buy you such an expensive gift, she would much rather know. And she's not losing out - you get to do something else! If she's tried to do something thoughtful, she sounds nice!

Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 10:48:00

She is lovely, a really great person. I just have found she can sometimes take things personally. I think I should just be straight up and honest, really explaining that I have tried and don't want this kind thought to be wasted

Suspendersformybelief Tue 28-Feb-17 10:51:44

If she takes things personally then maybe go easy on the details about being unable to sleep and the level of anxiety and distress it's caused you.

I'd take that more personally than the other thing.

If it were me I think I'd just say... I'd love to do it, but I can't pluck up the nerve and keep bottling it, I don't want to waste such a thoughtful gift and would love to do something else, I know, why don't we use the credit to do something really fun together?

Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 10:53:32

Thanks Suspenders, really good way of putting it. She can even use the credit for herself- I don't expect an alternative, just don't want her money being wasted.

Vq1970 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:05:57

Does she know about your phobia? If she does, it was a pretty insensitive gift in the first place.

Suspenders solution is a good one, I'd go with that. And if she did know about the phobia, I wouldn't be feeling too bad about explaining to her why you can't do this!

Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 11:10:38

I think she was aware but not quit how bad it is. I try to keep it quite personal as most people think phobias are irrational and I don't like having to justify it or those who think exposure is a cure. I genuinely believe I'm going to die, which is not logical in anyway but the feelings of stress and anxiety are massive.

Vq1970 Tue 28-Feb-17 11:41:01

That's the thing with phobias, they are irrational and it doesn't matter how much you explain them to people, you can't really because it doesn't make sense.

I have a phobia of spiders, I can't talk about them or look at pictures. It's ridiculous, I know they can't hurt me but it doesn't matter how many times you tell me that. My husband is claustrophobic, I have to be very patient with him sometimes but I do try, because I know he can't help it.

Cricrichan Tue 28-Feb-17 11:44:45

It's a stupid gift to give to anyone unless you know they love it or really want a go. Just tell her and if she's sensitive about it, maybe next time she'll think a bit more before buying such a gift!

F1GI Tue 28-Feb-17 11:46:57

Do you have a partner who can use the gift?
That way you could say it was put to good use?

Nanodust Tue 28-Feb-17 20:12:27

My partner laughed out loud when he heard what gift was as he knows my phobia and suggested rather me than him, so regrettably he won't use it instead!

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