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AIBU to expect more support when ill and overseas?

(15 Posts)
writergirl747474 Tue 28-Feb-17 03:20:13

I moved countries to live with my DP in June. I have made a few vague 'friends' here through sporting activities but no one I could call in a crisis... I like it here but I get really homesick. I miss my friends and family.

I have been ill the past week - I'd rather not state the condition but it's not nice, very painful, in an embarrassing body part, and so far has prompted 3 GP visits, 4 trips to hospital, lots of drugs and some painful treatment. It's been the case (and still is) that I may need an operation under a GA at short notice.

DP's been a bit crap. He came to the hospital when the GP urged me to go immediately and also the appointments over the weekend and cooked a bit and waited on me when I was particularly ill (fever, shakes, nausea etc). I doubt I am the easiest patient.

But he went to a rugby match on Saturday night - he teaches at a language school and was taking students (fully functioning adults) as a social. They "wouldn't be able to find it or understand it" if he didn't go apparently (I found the bloody hospital on my own...). By massive coincidence he bumped into all his mates in the 40000 crowd and they all had a great night. I didn't really say anything about it.

He did cancel some plans for Sunday though and stayed at home looking after me.

Yesterday he announced he was meeting some random mate for "an hour" after work. I didn't say anything. Then he spent 2 hours in the pub while I was at home feeling crap after a traumatic visit to the doctors earlier. I was really pissed off when he came in, had a go at him, and now we're not speaking.

I just feel that I moved away from my friends and family to be with him so he needs to step up when I need him. I am pretty independent mostly - have taken up my own activities here - and in the UK I'd have friends to rally round in times of need. Here I have no one except him. And not enough of him as it turns out.

We normally get on great, he's lovely etc but I feel a bit let down and if no one in this country cares about me I may as well leave (or is that the homesickness talking?)

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 28-Feb-17 03:30:24

You have culture shock and you're sick at the same time. cake

I moved for my DH and, although it's great when they make concessions, ultimately you have to be happy with the choice you made and make the best of it.

What DH and I did was give me a set number of 'I moved here for you's that I could use at any point for anything. A small number! I didn't use them all in the end. But it meant that both he and I were aware of a finite amount of him being in the red! And I could say, "please stay home tonight, I moved for you" if I was feeling lonely and sad.

writergirl747474 Tue 28-Feb-17 03:43:49

Thanks Terry. I thought I was starting to settle and over the worse of the homesickness. I have been enjoying all the cool stuff here and making the most of it - there's loads of stuff I like doing and great weather. But being sick means I am currently stuck inside and anything I enjoy is out of the question.

I think we need to communicate more. I felt I shouldn't have to say "don't go out", and I don't normally tell him what to do. I feel he should have worked out himself that last night wasn't the night to go off to the pub and it then tipped me over the edge about Saturday. He's out tonight and tomorrow night (part-time job) so it's not like he's staying in every night.

We moved flat here and he sulked the first night in the new place because I went out... but it's fine for him to go to the pub/rugby when I am sick? But if I bring that up it's like I'm keeping a back catalogue of issues to bring up again.

If this gets bad again and I have to go back to hospital, I just don't fancy doing it on my own and in agony. There are maybe some people I could call but they'd be in their rights to ask where DP was when I needed help.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 28-Feb-17 04:44:20

It goes in waves. When you're tired or ill you can feel all sad and homesick. Even if you're adjusting.

I'm not a fan of "he should know". Yeah he probably should but no one is psychic. Say what you need.

Crumbs1 Tue 28-Feb-17 04:49:35

Of course it's fine for him to go out even if you're unwell. It just feels worse because you are homesick and feeling miserable. Is he seriously meant to sit there looking at you being curled up on the sofa? When you're better you'll be more able to continue settling in and building your new life. Meanwhile can you arrange for friends or family to come and visit so you can show them around and remind yourself of the positives of your new home? I think it takes longer than people realise to feel a genuine sense of 'home' somewhere new.

Pallisers Tue 28-Feb-17 04:58:36

I moved for my husband and we never did any "free passes" just because I moved here. I made the decision as an adult and was happy to live with it. I didn't want my husband's gratitude to govern our lives anymore than I would have wanted my own sacrifice to govern our lives.

But I did expect my husband to behave like a man whose wife has just moved someplace where she knows no one and has no support systems. So he did. Just as I behaved like a woman whose husband has just started a new job and at times felt overwhelmed. You deal with the circumstances you are actually in - your dh should realise you are in a place where you know no one and respond accordingly. Circumstances will change throughout your marriage - you need him (and you) to respond to those changes in a kind way.

If I were ill and miserable I would hope my dh wouldn't prioritise hanging out with a group of lads at a rugby match over me. Or if that bit was work and he couldn't get out of it, I would presume he wouldn't then stay out late the next night. not because I moved for him and get a free pass but because he should want to be kind to me.

you say he is usually lovely, OP. When you both calm down a bit, talk to him.

Pallisers Tue 28-Feb-17 05:01:32

* Is he seriously meant to sit there looking at you being curled up on the sofa?*

In a lot of marriages he would actually want to sit with his sick wife and spend time with her (because he might actually like her and want to mind her and enjoy spending time with her). Is it really odd that a man would actually like to spend time supporting his sick wife and not regard it as "sitting looking at her on the sofa".

writergirl747474 Tue 28-Feb-17 05:02:10

"Of course it's fine for him to go out even if you're unwell"

....But I'm not just unwell. It's not just a cold or whatever. The nature of my ailment makes it hard to do almost anything (sit, stand, walk) without pain. The location of it means I can't tend to it myself if necessary. And there's still a chance it will get worse and I'll have to go back to hospital for an operation - it would be crap to make that decision and journey alone. DP is crap at charging his phone so it wouldn't be unrealistic to call him and get no response.

He could have picked any night to go to the pub, I don't normally tell him when to go out/come home. Would it have been so hard for him to say "do you mind if I go out later?"

writergirl747474 Tue 28-Feb-17 05:06:49

We're not married. Not sure he'd pass the "in sickness" bit of the ceremony at the moment..

He's lived here already for 20 years and has loads of friends so we didn't move together. We met on holiday. I have been here loads though and it's a great place... just not right now. I was so optimistic about moving here but right now it seems like a possible mistake.

MrsPeelyWaly Tue 28-Feb-17 05:20:11

OP, I think you're seeing the true colours of the man and it would now be apparent regardless of geography. I would be considering my options.

tillytown Tue 28-Feb-17 05:36:31

The fact that you moved for him doesn't really matter in this case, when you are sick your partner should want to take care of you regardless if you travelled half way around the world for them or not. I'm not saying they have to devote their every waking hour to you, but they should be around when you need them. Does he know you might need an operation?

ravenmum Tue 28-Feb-17 07:03:08

So you haven't known each other long and are basically only living together because he's based abroad - if he was in the UK you would still probably just be dating?

If so, this illness has just come at a bad time for you both. You were expecting to be integrating and can't, and he was expecting an easy going, fun gf/bf relationship and has got a carer role. Quite a shock for both of you. Have you considered just going home?

Donthate Tue 28-Feb-17 07:13:56

I think your illness is clouding your judgement. He doesn't need to sit with you every waking moment to care does he? If it gets to the operation stage see how he reacts.

writergirl747474 Tue 28-Feb-17 07:28:50

Erm. No one's taking on a "carer" role. He just needs to care. My ailment should clear up in about a week (although dr said that last week), it's nothing permanent, just very very painful.

Yeah we wouldn't have moved in so quick if I hadn't moved countries. But we have so we both need to make the changes that come with living together. It doesn't mean he can take on a casually dating attitude when he feels like it.

He doesn't need to sit with me ever waking moment, no. Obviously he is going to work. It would be nice if he could re-arrange non essential stuff to spend more time at home while it's tricky for me to leave the flat.

ravenmum Tue 28-Feb-17 11:21:03

OK, then I must have misunderstood the seriousness of the condition and what you wanted him to do. Sounded to me like you were very ill and wanted him to look after you. I haven't actually met you, so don't be surprised if I don't guess the details right.

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