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Relationships

SO would rather masturbate than have sex with me

37 replies

deliciousbuttercups · 28/02/2017 01:22

So this is kind of confusing but I'll try to keep it simple, so please just bear with me... Also apologies for the formatting errors if there are any! I am 22F and my SO is 29M.

We went through a rough patch last summer where he just straight up didn't want to have sex with me at all, and it feels like that has just set off a mudslide of anxieties and paranoia. Our sex life has never really quite recovered and we usually DTD once a week or so (I have previously expressed that I would like to do it more, preferably every other day) - we usually spend 2-3 days together, usually around the weekend.

I suggested that he should probably watch less porn and so on, he agreed, but didn't really reduce at all. I found this out by snooping, which is crap of me I know, but in my defence he didn't really try to hide it and I stumbled across stuff accidentally which kinda made me just want to dig more. It's something I had been really anxious about too, especially porn usage, freaking out on occasion where he has lied or misled me about whether he was watching porn or not, not being upfront about these things, and when I asked why he didn't tell me what was going on just said that he doesn't really like to talk about sex, it should be something that is private. Anyway we're mostly over all that, I realise that porn/masturbation is different to sex so I was really shitty for getting so salty about that stuff - just added this in for some background.
He's been saying for a while that he doesn't want to have sex so much because he's getting older, sex drive decline etc etc which, while plausible, doesn't really make much sense given the fact that he has no problem masturbating or checking out nude women on instagram or wherever (several times a day) and it really kinda sucks that he enjoys doing these things but doesn't desire to have sex with me, and it's hard not to compare myself, or wonder what I'm doing wrong, or whether I look wrong. I know it sounds bad because I really do love him but I miss feeling desired, and I am not sure if I can be in a relationship where my partner doesn't desire this kind of physical intimacy with me.

It's been affecting my own sex drive too, to the point where I haven't wanted sex with him for a couple of weeks now. This has worried him though and he has spoken to his friends about it who suggested that we ought to just have more sex (gee thanks)... but this has kinda upset me too, because when I suggested it a while back, he didn't really take it on board. Agreed readily, but nothing ever came of it. While I was explaining to him why I thought I wasn't really in the mood (not feeling good about myself because of not feeling adequate, or good enough, not feeling like he was all that into it, or felt like he was just taking out his sexual frustration on me rather than actually wanting to have sex with me iyswim) he said something like "Why are you mopey? I said we should have more sex, just like you've been crusading for." which hurt my feelings, which I said, though I didn't really get a real apology for it.

Anyway I've really been trying this weekend to get back into it so we can sort things out. I've tried to initiate twice even when I haven't felt entirely into it because I still want to make that connection with him but he declined both times (with fair reason) but gotten pissy at me for being somewhat upset about it, although I do realise that is unreasonable of me. He initiated and we DTD, although it didn't last long, he mentioned he would probably be recharged and ready to go again soon, but he wasn't that evening so I didn't press it, no big deal. Next day, no sex again, went home in the evening time so there was plenty of time but....nope. But fine, it's a work in progress, whatever.

I understand that looking at women/porn/masturbating is entirely different to having sex and I realise they're not connected so I have been trying (and mostly succeeding) at getting over my insecurities, though they still niggle. I suppose I'm just looking for advice or any thoughts on this situation, really. Thank you

(ps - copy pasted from another internet forum, just want more advice, thanks)

OP posts:
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LellyMcKelly · 28/02/2017 01:36

Good grief. He's 29, not 69. You're 22. If it's not working, move on. It sounds like that's what he might want to do anyway.

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HateSummer · 28/02/2017 01:45

Sorry I gave up by the third massive chunk of writing. You're 22. Dump it and move on. You have your whole life ahead of you why are you stuck with someone who is obviously making you unhappy? And why do you need to post on 10 different forums? You'll get the same answer everywhere. 🙄.

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BastardGoDarkly · 28/02/2017 01:48

How long have you been together?

This sounds like waaaaay too much grief, you're clearly incompatible in bed, and you're going to end up feeling like shit about yourself, is it worth it?

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deliciousbuttercups · 28/02/2017 01:56

We've been together for coming up two years.

Thanks for the responses everyone :)

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BastardGoDarkly · 28/02/2017 02:02

And yet it's nearly a year since he stopped wanting to have sex with you basically?

You're young, don't waste anymore time on him.

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/02/2017 02:15

He sounds like a bore. In the first few years of a relationship I'd expect sex 3 times a week from a man of 49, not 29! Dismal.

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/02/2017 02:23

Just registered that you might think I was blaming you for the sex shortage. I meant that he was dismal. For a man that age to have such a low sex drive definitely wouldn't have kept me happy when I was younger. Find yourself someone with more to offer. Have fun!

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WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2017 03:23

So, he'd rather watch porn and masturbate than have actual sex and intimacy with his girlfriend. Which makes him a shit boyfriend. Sex doesn't work for him any more, because that's a shared activity, and he's all about the gratification and nowhere with intimacy now.

His behaviour is affecting your self-esteem, because you are taking responsibility for his behaviour onto yourself (he doesn't want to have sex with me, I must be really unattractive blah blah blah). You are not responsible for his behaviour in any way. He is. All that shit about wanting less sex because he's getting older - total rubbish. He's 29! Frankly, it's all down to his porn habit. Which he lies about.

Let's face it - he's not worth a damn. he's definitely not worth your self-esteem. As everyone else has said - dump and move on.

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Creampastry · 28/02/2017 05:41

Move on!!

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GruffaloPants · 28/02/2017 05:48

You deserve better.,you are only in your twenties! My partner and I are both around 40, with two kids, and we have more sex! He's already making you feel crap about wanting a normal sex life.

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Out2pasture · 28/02/2017 06:17

he's not into you, he's into something else. don't waste your time.
(flowers)

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AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 06:47

What different advice were you looking for ?

I expect every other forum you have asked this question on has mainly advised you to dump this loser

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ravenmum · 28/02/2017 06:52

Both of you need to find someone with whom you are more sexually compatible. You have different needs and preferences. That doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

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deliciousbuttercups · 28/02/2017 08:39

I really appreciate the responses, everyone. The main reason I posted here as well was just to get more responses rather than looking for a specific one, although everyone else on the other forum seem to be saying the same thing.

I do have a tendency to not want to let go, so I guess I wanted some perspective. Although I feel like maybe I haven't given him enough credit, he's generally quite solid and dependable, we always have a laugh together and he has been trying to change things recently, says he has massively decreased his porn use, (although still regularly looks at nude women on instagram or w/e) is being more affectionate, and has bought me gifts in the past couple weeks. Usually we do have a pretty good relationship outside of this, and he does make me happy typically.

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HellonHeels · 28/02/2017 08:46

He's not making you happy though is he? You're so unhappy with him that you're posting for advice about the relationship.

You have no intimacy, he won't talk to you about sex because it's "private" and he spends his time watching porn and ogling naked women on Instagram. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

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AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 09:00

This isn't how most men act

Have you had many relationships to measure him against ?

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birdybirdywoofwoof · 28/02/2017 09:03

Oof, can you imagine a whole life-time of this?

Dump the wanker. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to have a normal sexual relationship, honestly.

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iknowimcoming · 28/02/2017 09:05

He won't talk to you about sex but is happy to get his mates opinions on your sex life? You are wasting your time on this man, dump him and move on, and get some help with restoring your self esteem, you are 22, your life should be about having fun, not about trying to persuade a man to have sex with you! I suspect this man has issues that will only get worse with time, get out now and find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated!

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ConsideredThought · 28/02/2017 09:09

Op, I have experienced similar problem with a man addicted to porn. You will always be the second best to that, as it's not based on reality the same way. Masturbation is self love, and a selfish act if you choose it over a partner who wants sex with you.

He may make you happy outside the bedroom, but if you stay with this man you have to accept an unfulfilling and relatively sexless relationship. What you can't expect is for him to change. By that I mean for any length of time - they can change for a short while before you find out they've slipped back into their old habits once they feel safe again. Porn is addictive and hard to give up for anyone who wants to; impossible for someone who isn't inclined to do so.

It does knock your confidence and you're better off without that life-long batter imho, but of course it's your choice! At the tender age of 22 you have your whole life ahead of you, I know it doesn't always feel like that, but you really do.

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ConsideredThought · 28/02/2017 09:10

Oh, and by the way, sex isn't a private matter if you're the sexual partner!

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AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 28/02/2017 09:12

The issues here go way deeper than just sex. It's about consideration of each other. Lack of intimacy. Disregard of each others needs (mainly yours).

Honestly if it's this bad now what about when life's shit really hits the fan? Because it does! You can't rely on him to be there and consider you and your needs and feelings. Life is too short and too bloody hard. Walk away while you can

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HerOtherHalf · 28/02/2017 09:13

Just move on, for your own sake. Being part of a couple should mean that you are more than the sum of your two parts. You two are clearly not. It's simply not working and trying to analyse why is just wasting time.

You're still very young and have a long, long life ahead of you. Consign this boyfriend to the folder marked "weird ones that were never going to work" and go and find someone who actually fulfills you and makes you happy.

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Happybunny19 · 28/02/2017 09:21

Perhaps you need to park him firmly in the friend camp, because this behaviour in a twenty something is not normal and you're wasting your time trying to change him. I laughed out loud at too old at 29 - my dp is 46, w have 3 young dcs and still enjoy daily sex.

I also thought it is pretty odd to consider it private to discuss sex with the person you're meant to be doing it with, but ok to discuss with his mates. Dump him, he sounds like an immature loser who's happier pulling his own.

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TENSHI · 28/02/2017 09:33

Stay with him if you want to doubt yourself forever more and never have children.

He can put on an act to keep you but it will wane..He sounds like a good friend and room mate but you'll need to look elsewhere for a daddy to any future dc and a sex life.

He has a pattern of behaviour and is very selfish in bed because porn is all about servicing the man..So stay with him if you want to act out his porn fantasies.

I think what you are describing is becoming the norm, many men are bored with having to think of their partner's needs, whether they orgasm etc. It is much quicker and to the point if they don't have to deal with the emotional fallout.

This is when emotion and the physical get separated. Don't be surprised when men like this want to forego any foreplay and just want to get their kicks instead.

It is very common and also young men today get to see unlimited beautiful women online so it is not surprising side effect that they have ed with normal women.

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Suspendersformybelief · 28/02/2017 09:47

I'm a 35-year-old who has had four long term relationships, two of them with men life your boyfriend, who are far too interested in porn.

They find it easier to have a wank then to have sex. That is the bottom line. To have sex they would have to make an effort with their girlfriend. Sometimes, they don't want to because they're selfish twats, other times it's because they have hang ups or confidence issues so they'd rather not bother.

And then after making this choice for a while, they couldn't have sex with you regularly even if they chose to because they've desensitised themselves.

People are saying it's not normal behaviour for a 29-year-old. Unfortunately, it is becoming more and more common in a certain type of bloke. Infact, if you spoke to a couple of hypnotherapists, they would probably tell you their main source of income is now men with "pornography addictions" who want to try and have a normal sex life.

But in my experience, they don't change, not for good anyway. They might for a while.

Staying in this type of relationship destroys your confidence. When you argue about sex, people start to do things like withdraw affection because they don't want the other person to get the wrong idea, they feel pressured etc etc. You question your attractiveness, technique etc etc.

And the more you lose your self esteem, the more likely you are to stay in the relationship.

Honestly, honestly, honestly, at 22 you don't need this. It won't get better but better is out there.

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