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Dh 44, on Gonewild girls in 20s(28 Posts)
I know I'm probably overreacting, but any support or advice right now would be hugely appreciated.
Found out dh has been looking at gonewild sub Reddit posts, (women showing off anal and boob pics) particularly 20 /24 year olds. He's 44, I'm 39, been together since I was 16. I've recently noticed him looking at younger early 20 something women but he's denied aggressively every time, so I've given up even mentioning it, as he just won't admit it. Our eldest dd is 22 as are all her friends and this is just freaking me out that these girls are younger then his own dd. I'm realistic and know that some men look at porn/ sexy pictures, even though he told me he wasn't interested in looking at any type of porn on the internet and much prefers to use his imagination, I had said to him at that time, I'd be uncomfortable with it but would understand that it's something he did and that would be that. He's a very private person and rarely lets me know what he's thinking, so he's lied to me on top of it. He's said he looks at the "nudes" but that he's not particularly interested in younger women, but from what I seen the majority were that age.
To add insult to injury I'm 38 weeks pregnant, as big as an elephant, so appreciate I'm feeling very hurt and betrayed due to bad self esteem and suffering from really bad antenatal depression and anxiety, and have felt very desperate this last few months, I don't know what's wrong exactly, but ive never felt so low.
He has said sorry, he won't do it again and basically said to get over it or separate over it, it's up to me, but not to drag it out, because he's had a bad enough year coping with all my other shit. In fairness to him I've had trust issues due to a bad child up bringing, and those issues have effected my marriage and he's fed up now. Sorry I know it's rambling, just trying to explain as much as I can.
I just need some help to put my feelings into perspective. Am I overreacting to this and should expect that this is just what some men do?
Well, I guess it might be what some men do. The question really is do you want to be with that sort of man?
Thanks for replying. I should of mentioned he's been a very kind, caring and supportive dh in general. At the beginning of last year I had a baby and shortly after that I began to feel very unbalanced, paranoid, mainly with him. He had at that time began a weight loss diet, started lifting weights, and buying loads of new work shirts. This was very unlike him as he's always been very self unaware, i.e. Happy to wear his crinkly shirts to work, and never minded his tummy. He also made out the admin staff he works closely with were all older frumpier lady's, but when I seen a work group photo, this turned out to be untrue and they were in fact much younger, early 30s, and just normal looking girls. This all set alarm bells for me and I greatly over reacted with a lot of suspicion, paranoia. In the end I genuinely believe he hasn't been unfaithful as I have covered all bases. He's put up with a lot from me this past year. He dosnt understand depression and is very quick to get defensive, so it's left me feeling very lonely and unsupported. This pregnancy was an accident, and it really hasn't helped my state of mind.
I dont think you are overly suspicious or paranoid at all. He is treating you appallingly.
I know exactly what you're feeling OP, as my 'd'h did exactly the same thing. Found out he'd been looking at Gonewild girls (and more) while working away, wasn't honest about it. To make me even more paranoid other stuff has happened along the way including a very suspicious incident back when we had been together a few years (ie before marriage and kids), the fact that he told me he wouldn't look at porn again ten years ago when I first found it, etc....
This most recent one really floored me, mainly because of the dishonesty surrounding it. I've done a lot of thinking about his reasons for using/looking, and although my attitude has changed back and forth a few times, it now comes down to the fact that I am not comfortable with him purposefully looking at other womens' bodies for sexual gratification. There are loads of threads on MN about the morality of it, but in the end it comes down to your personal boundaries. Using it as a stress relief is a bit of a shit excuse, there are plenty of other ways of relieving stress!
If I were you I would try to crystallise your own opinions and boundaries regarding this, then have the conversation again. Hopefully he will be able to understand how much it affects you and how much you will put up with. I had this conversation, dh said all the right things (after many arguments, I just wasn't willing to be with someone who I felt got kicks from looking at other women), its now up to his own values and morals as to what he does, but he is aware of the consequences if I find out he has lied about it again.
I don't think you are overreacting at all, you need emotional support esp when pregnant and hormonal. If he doesn't understand direct him to the relevant threads on reddit for giving up porn!
Disclaimer: Before I get flamed, I'm not saying all porn is bad, but the dishonest way in which it was used in my personal relationship was not something I wanted to continue. If anyone would like to argue I am taking away dh's rights to his own sexuality (or whatever), he is perfectly within his rights to continue as he had been. Without me.
I so agree with the previous poster - I went into my relationship comfortable with porn as things have changed I'm not anymore (for a number of reasons) if I found out my partner had been lying about it I would be so upset. It's what YOU are comfortable with. The fact that you have children around the same age (granted adults) would make me even more anxious.
It's really rough when you feel like a beached whale and know your partner isn't attracted to you.
Looking at porn= v normal
Being defensive/dishonest about it = troubling
Lying about work colleagues= more troubling (why would you, unless wanting to hide something?)
Telling you to put up or shut up = TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
Long story short, it's not what he's doing, it's how he's acting around that and in general that's the big problem.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like he's being very insensitive and callous at an incredibly delicate time for you. I would consider your options; if you want to save the relationship he needs to learn to respect you; if you feel you'd rather get outta there, I say you're more than justified... if you possibly can, reach out to family/ friends and/or counselling support to help you work through your feelings and where you want to go with it. Hope you get the support you need.
Why do people have to be worried about being flamed for being against the use of porn in a relationship . TBH it all sounds a bit creepy to me for a 44 year old man. But mosts of all, as someone said, its your choice, your values. Its not up to someone on MN to tell you to get over it and everyone does it. WhatBitOfFun nails it.
I am prepared to get flamed over this, but really trying to give a different perspective.....
Don't worry about the porn (look at the end of the day pretty much all men look at it, if their OH doesn't agree with it they'll do it in private, it's not a reflection on anything other than male-ness)
However the other things you describe ring a few alarm bells with me - he is 44, and he is now starting to get in shape and he is around younger women. This is not to say he is looking to hook up with others. What he is looking for is reassurance you still fancy him. He doesn't want to leave you or hurt you - you're having his child for goodness sake!
But can you say you are telling him he looks good, giving him some good feedback. I know you say you are feeling unattractive because of the pregnancy, but he likely isn't thinking the same, have you asked him? Are you still being intimate (not sex per se but kissing/cuddling/holding hands)?
That might sound like I'm blaming you, it's not a blame thing, I think he is just trying to get better for himself and for you. Mid-life crisis type thing, but that shouldn't be a negative, just remind him what he has which is you who he loves and a DC on the way
Not flaming you here gogo, but you are basically saying OP should put up with dh looking at it, and if she disagrees or doesn't like it he'll sneak off and do it anyway. Why should she put up with him getting his sexual kicks by looking at other women if she finds it distasteful or disrespectful in any way? It's not a male need or right to look at other women's bodies while in a committed relationship. (Let's not turn this into the usual 'all men do porn because they're male' argument. That's neither the point, nor what op was asking...)
myuntidy I put my 'disclaimer' in there as I had a similar thread a while back which got quite a few posts about how unreasonable and controlling I was by not wanting dh to continue looking at porn... I'll not go into it further here, as I don't think starting up that argument here would be particularly useful for OP.
I thought he was perfectly reasonable till you wrote 'basically said to get over it or separate over it'.
If you genuinely believe his isnt cheating on you, then I think you may be overreacting. If you think he is cheating on you then you have a problem. If you think he might go on to cheat on you, you and your dp also have problems. I can give you my perspective as a woman with dp who sounds familiar to you (besides the pregnancy obv).My dp has issues from previous relationships (we have been together now though for nearly 15 years). He is insecure and has like in your words, has put me through various shit (entirely due to his issues). I have done some of the stuff that your dp has done (not the porn as it doesnt interest me sexually). But i hit middle age, hated the way i looked and tried to overhaul myself. Dp accused me of cheating on him. Cant i fucking want to look good for the sole reason of i dont want to look like a bag of shit everyday? I dont mention my male colleagues, because regardless if i hated them or got on with them like a house on fire, i'd have at the very least insinuations. So I'd rather just avoid that argument. Its not perfect. As for the porn, well it doesnt do it for me personally (i prefer to read erotic fiction) but if dp said he didnt like me reading erotic fiction (which in my mind is the equivalent of your dp using porn) then id be mighty pissed off. Im not gonna run away with anyone (as i suspect your dp is unlikely to run off with a porn star). If you dont like porn from a moral standpoint then that is a different kettle of fish, and i suspect that by saying 'get over it or separate over it' your dp is asserting his moral viewpoint.
My initial thought, at him losing weight, dressing better for work, was "oh dear, sounds like affair", but then I had a think.....about 3 years ago, I was totally fed up of how I looked....I was 3 stone overweight and looked really bloated....I embarked on a diet and fitness regime and dropped 4 dress sizes until I felt really great. No other men in the frame, I just did it for me. That said, in your shoes, I would certainly be snooping all of his devices (maybe that's just me, but I've been cheated on in previous relationships). Strange that he said the work colleagues were old, when they are not
Re the porn, mostly I think the women are typically young, so perhaps he isn't seeking that out per se. Had he searched for "teen porn"? That would freak me out! My DH has occasionally viewed porn. I know it's on rarely and he has viewed "milf" stuff, so I feel that's more related to our ages (mid 40's).
As an aside, I'm confused as to the whole family dynamic - grown children, but still having more babies, one last year, one this year.
Strange that he said the work colleagues were old, when they are not its not strange if he has been at the receiving end of accusations and insinuations though. He's could be (inadvisably) lying in order to appease the op/avoid any conflict. I've done it myself. Told dp i dont have much contact with a male colleague (when i do) because i know the truth will end up with at the very best insinuations. And i cant be fucked with it. But the rub is I do love dp despite his issues (as i assume dp loves the op). My dp is getting better but that stems partly from me having to be extremely clear that his issues were driving me away and unless he addressed them it would eventually tear up apart. Im only human. I think i told him that if he genuinely thought i would cheat on him after 2 kids and everything we'd been through then our relationship was dead anyway. He then admitted he didnt think id really cheat on him, it is just all in his mind and he has tried hard to get his issues under control.
"He has said sorry, he won't do it again and basically said to get over it or separate over it, it's up to me, but not to drag it out,"
This line speaks volumes. It hints at a number of problems that need to be looked at. He doesnt respect your concerns and is obviously feeling the impact of how things are between you as well as your health problems. Better communication is needed on both sides I think. Would/have you tried counselling - he needs some to help him not be so closed with you and you need some to help you get over your issues. And you both need it as a couple. That get over it line is a real problem.
Given that there are style and weight loss forums here on mumsnet I am not even going to touch the hypocrisy of people thinking that a man doing these things is indicative of a problem.
I think a man who is unsupportive of a wife with depression, who is pregnant and struggling - for him to lie about colleagues and then also look at girls younger than his daughter - well none of the above would be acceptable to me in any way, shape or form! No wonder you feel insecure and vulnerable - anyone whose husband treats them so awfully would no doubt feel the same. He does not sound like a supportive respectful partner at all.
Looking at porn, is just looking and even though your DD is 22, he's not thinking about her or he doesn't see her in other women.
I'd be more concerned about real life people. It sounds like he didn't lie about the ages of his colleagues, but you made an assumption based on what he told you about them.
It's clearly hard going as you had a baby last year and you're about to have another one. Your hormones will be all over the place and it must be hard to have couple time with everything on your plate.
He may just want to get fit and healthy or he may want to attract attention from other women.
I'd let it go, but try and get time for yourself and get a break from being a mum and a wife. ..have time to be you.
Believe me, he's a total **.
The porn he's looking at, as you describe it, its bloody weird for a 44 year old man.
I guarantee he will be a total mysognist (sp?) and frigging weirdo in real life, whatever social class he is, and however he keeps it hidden. Years down the line he will show you the complete selfish ugly twat he is.
Sandy, GogoGadnet and all those who defend him think its OK for a 44 year old married man to pursue looking at photographs of young women's anuses for sexual thrills? Do they think its normal, acceptable, and all the rest?
Applepies, i dont judge anyone for their sexual thrills unless its illegal or affects me in some way. Tbh id probably be wary of any man who said they weren't in any way sexually turned on by nubile young beautiful women. Id assume they were lying.
justnowords I see the parallel you are drawing, but if you were reading really graphic stuff which your DH said made him feel insecure or whatever (not a good example, as it's your imagination he would be insecure about, and they're not actual people?), would you still go ahead and continue, but lie about it?
I think it's not the porn per se, rather op not being comfortable with it and his reaction and the way he treats her opinion.
I am judging men by what they choose to watch, in particular porn, yes. It does tell you alot about them, especially the specifics (anal porn, rape porn, looks-under-age porn). If you think men watching porn is just 'beautiful nubile young women' I think you are the one being naieve.
And well it might not affect you in some direct way, so thats alright then?! The narrowness of social understanding leaves me breathless. In reality all these pornographic cliches have become normalised in the bedroom of even the most innocent teenage boys and girls, its both sad and shocking.
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