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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH's fantasy is troubling for me

47 replies

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:01

I am a regular poster and NCd for it as it's mortifying for me.
Me and DH have had a great sex life even after having our DCs. It never lacked in any aspect or imagination and we were both quite happy with it. Over the years we have started to experiment slowly. Again, we have talked about everything beforehand and everything has been consensual from both sides and thoroughly enjoyed.
some months ago, DH shared with me a fantasy that he says he has been having since ages but hasn't been able to tell me before. It's him seeing me having mind blowing sex with some random hot blokes (more than one even!) that HE brings home. I suspect he is actually refusing to elaborate this as there is more to it, like may be it could be people we know? But I don't know as he got evasive and didn't explain further. And he wants me to do this for him too. That is, bringing hot girls for him or even couples. He refused to elaborate further as I think I looked too shocked already.
I have been trying to find ways to talk about it but he has always laughed me off saying it's just a fantasy he has and he never wants to act on it. A couple of times he got very defensive and said it's something every man secretly thinks of and never acts on!
It has been months and it is now a regular part of our intimate time together and he says he is very happy about the things that way and that it. I wouldn't lie. After the intitial shock, I found it very flattering and arousing that he is fantasising this. It took us to new heights. But it has worried me too.
Is he thinking about other women and trying to find a way around that by offering me to do it too? Or is it a genuine real fantasy that men haave secretly and he is telling me the truth? Am I overthinking it? I would probably never be able to act on it. He is the one for me and always will be. It's just the fantasy part that is arousing for me. So may be it works the same way for him and he isn't actually thinking of anything beyond this?
He has never given me any cause to suspect him and we were really good friends for a very long time before we started dating so I kind of know his history and personality IYSWIM?
I hope I could get some answers here as he has said he has told me all that he thinks there is to it.
Thank you to everyone who has read this very long post. I really do need your advice and experiences please.

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:03

So if you get off on the fantasy alone, why can't he ?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:04

Oh hang on. You are asking for experiences ?

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:07

Oh no not experienced per se. I meant if people have seen this happening and if it escalates into something else some time later? Do men which have these fantasies go on to want to act on it too?
I am really struggling with this part only. I am more than happy for him to enjoy so long as it's a fantasy only.

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Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:08

who. Not which.

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AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:10

Just checking

I dunno the answer. Some do, some don't?

If he did want to act it out, you don't have to agree to it, right?

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:10

I really hope to hear from male Mumsnetters too.

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Kikikaakaa · 28/02/2017 00:12

It sounds like it's just a fantasy

He hasn't made any attempts to actually make plans to do it or pressure you into doing anything, just using it as a fantasy. He's told you more than once it's just a fantasy.

In some cases I suspect sexual partners might try to persuade someone round to something gradually but usually if you trust someone you know it's just a game and not them being manipulative with intention to actually do it.

Group sex or cuckhold sex or whatever it's called is a common fantasy imo and not many people do it vs those who think about it. Most people know it's just in their head and will never be reality

Ask him straight out if he actually wants to do it but at some point you need to believe it, or stop the fantasy if it's bothering you

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:13

Of course it can never go there practically if he has to stay with me. I am not passing judgment on people who go on to do it so long as they are honest to each other totally and both agree to it.
It's just that I have thought hard on it and I don't think it's for me.

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Kikikaakaa · 28/02/2017 00:15

He's told you loads of times it's just a fantasy scenario that he has brought into your sex life that you both enjoy.

If he starts trying to take you dogging or signing up to websites, then worry

Kikikaakaa · 28/02/2017 00:16

Even I have had this kind of fantasy. I would never do it IRL

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/02/2017 00:17

It's called "cuckolding" and it's a common fantasy.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:19

Are.

If he says "let's go for a drive....just because ", parks up in a wooded area and dons a pheasant mask it's time to run for the hills

AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:19

*arf

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:25

To be fair, I have been trying to push him to be more honest about it and he got annoyed and said he has told me everything and there isn't anything else to it. And he actually complained that's he feels me tensing up sometimes when he mentions it (it's true and I haven't been able to suppress the doubts fully. Hence this post). Not all the time though
Prawn thanks a lot for the link. I will search more.
anyfucker
Thanks for warning me! knowing at least one warning sign/scenario is better than not knowing any.

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ApplePaltrow21 · 28/02/2017 00:27

cuckold is the second most common searched for male sexual fantasy online. it's laughably common.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-common

AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:27

You haven't seen that hilarious tv programme about the (mostly completely inept) doggers then ?

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:29

kiki thank you for the detailed response. Websites etc would definitely mean this is escalating.
But his assurance and past history tells me he means what he is saying. I was floored when he shared it and he said that's the only effect he was after.

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AnyFucker · 28/02/2017 00:29

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=/amp/www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/channel-4s-dogging-tales-attracts-2-million-viewers-and-huge-twitter-response-8561883.html%253Famp&ved=0ahUKEwiqormrxLHSAhUrLcAKHbibC4wQFggxMAc&usg=AFQjCNGoeirg6x073SZ3OVbT9tMlKWZsvg

My mistake, it's an owl mask you need to look out for

Kikikaakaa · 28/02/2017 00:31

I saw it. TV gold

If you feel uncomfortable with it then ask him to stop the fantasy. I can't see it being a good thing that he got the guts to share it and now you grill him on it!

PollytheDolly · 28/02/2017 00:35

My DH used to joke about this. When I started to interrogate him (just to see, ugh no way) he was:

No way I can't share you with anybody.

They're full of shite

Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:35

apple it's eye opening! And I was seriously suspecting that he wanted to have some affair or something. He was quite pissed off about it.
anyfucker I will look for it. Sounds funny now that I can laugh about it. I was actually very worried so far. I have been living under a rock apparently or have been too scary a partner for my exes, none of whom discussed this with me can you tell I don't know much about anything

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Carminaburanathemental · 28/02/2017 00:40

No way I can't share you with anybody
That's exactly what DH said too. I mean why go to all the lengths of scaring the hell out of me by telling me things in explicit details only to come out with this? Scared me.
kiki
Thank you for the beating. I now owe him an apology for doubting him though I would much rather die than tell him I started a thread for this

OP posts:

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Hidingtonothing · 28/02/2017 00:44

I think if he's said it's purely a fantasy and hasn't tried to take it any further you have to take him at his word. The worry for me would be that by continuing to question what he's said you'll put him off telling you about his fantasies in future and that could affect what sounds like a good and healthy sex life.

I think in your shoes I would just try to take it at face value and enjoy what the fantasy brings to your sex life until or unless he gives you reason to think there's more to it. Assuming he's being honest about not wanting to take it further it can't be very comfortable for him that you're tensing up when it's mentioned and you've said yourself it's added a new dimension so it would be a shame to spoil that. Ultimately he's given you no reason not to trust him has he?

Kikikaakaa · 28/02/2017 00:45

Break down his scenario in some ways, it's total fantasy. Where would either of you find gangs of buff men and women willing to come round and give you both a good seeing to?
Even online you would be quite unusually lucky to find that and it's doubtful he's fantasising about his own friends. Just some faceless guys and girls

Italiangreyhound · 28/02/2017 00:45

Carminaburanathemental if you are happy with this fantasy, that is fine. Are you?

"...he got annoyed and said he has told me everything" why is he getting annoyed with you when he brought it up? Do you feel there is more and he is not telling you?

" And he actually complained that's he feels me tensing up sometimes when he mentions it..." So you are tensing up, presumably because on some level you are not happy about it, and now he knows you are unhappy about it but still wants to talk about it knowing you will tense up and then he complains!

What does "I was floored when he shared it and he said that's the only effect he was after." mean?

"floored
A term describing the state of being saturated in a particular emotion. To be stunned or overwhelmed in this particular emotion so substantially that it ties up a measurable amount of mental resources. Sometimes can result in fatigue until the vexing complex is resolved. Usually associated with a NEGATIVE emotion unless otherwise noted."

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=floored

If you are happy, that is fine. If not, he should be willing to discuss this without getting annoyed IMHO.

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