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people walking all over me

(6 Posts)
nodoormatpolicy Mon 27-Feb-17 20:11:54

How do I stand up for myself without losing people. I have realised most of my friends (the ones I thought were closest) and family members don't care much for my feelings. I have a sister who can't talk to me without being rude and condescending to me. She was rude to me on my wedding day. I have told her many times it hurts me but she gets more upset in return. We have not spoken for months now. I had been very supportive with my friends when they were going through major problems like break ups, money issues, etc. But now they all are doing fine, and I have been going through depression. My therapist suggested seeking out support from friends and family, and none was interested in listening. I have recently noticed my sister, who is also doing very well, and a good friend have started social media friendship. My sister is extremely friendly and nice with people outside, at the same time having low opinion of the same people at their back. Long story short, a good friend who is getting married in a foreign location asked me what I think if she invites my sis. I told her that I feel hurt. This has resulted in my friend sending me a long angry message for not offering any support for her wedding. I am quite shocked as I am going through depression with no support from anyone. She has also made some unreasonable accusations in her message. On top of it, she asked me to not respond so that she can cool off her anger. She sent me another message a month later, asking me to be understanding why she wants to invite my sister. I never told her not to invite her. Only told her my issues with my sis. I feel my friend wants to be with good terms with both of us. We are friends for over a decade while she recently met my sister during her travels. I feel I need to stand up for myself as I am tired of a doormat friend. At the same time, I am worried she will blame me for giving her stress during her wedding preparation (she will be married in 2 months). She is travelling and posting pictures with people she is meeting on social media but told me a month ago how overwhelmed she is managing travel and wedding preparation. My friend and I also studied together, so we have many common friends and we will meet at some events. I have been very upset with myself for accepting this kind of behaviour for such long time. I have realised I am a people pleaser and have self esteem issues. Most of my friends were happy to receive help when they needed but are interested in me at all now that I am going through depression. I don't want her to get away thinking she was entitled to behave the way she did. At the same time, I feel I am losing friends. What should I do?

SABeeTiger Mon 27-Feb-17 21:37:20

I feel exactly the same as you do and I don't know what to do either! My sister and I aren't that close, but she has DC and I want to nurture my relationship with them. However, I have been 'standing up' to her more recently in an effort to be more assertive and it just ends up with her ignoring me for days and days. My counselor says I can't control other people's actions, just my response and how I feel about it. That and we need some assertiveness training I think, although I haven't looked at that yet. So although you can't control how your friend feels, you can control your reaction, don't worry about what she thinks and don't be drawn into arguments. What do you think?

Holly3434 Mon 27-Feb-17 21:45:16

Story of my life, always go back for me like I never learn my lesson

Alfiemoon1 Mon 27-Feb-17 21:53:42

Me to my sister does what she classes as nice grand gestures but always involve in me spending time and money on things. I find it controlling but when I mention things to her and my mum I end up being the bad guy

Cricrichan Mon 27-Feb-17 22:02:46

It is odd that no family nor friends are supportive op. Are you sure that's the case or could it be that your depression is making you sensitive and seeing flights where there is none?

nodoormatpolicy Tue 28-Feb-17 04:52:53

Thank everyone for your support. Tiger do you suggest not responding to my friend. I think I am done with our friendship. The only thing which stopped me was that we studied together and can't avoid each other at some common events. Even then I am not going to be friends with her. She said quite mean things in her message. On top of it she is acting like she is the bigger person. Also she invited me single, but wants to invite my sister and her husband. The reason I think is she wants to move to their country and my brother in law is a good contact for business networking. My sister is a bit like one from the movie 27 dresses. Very outgoing and lacks any depth. She is friendly with people on their face but can say bad things about them at the back. With me she doesn't have to worry about looking right as I think she has extremely low opinion of me. We have maintained distance for years now and didn't speak in months. crichan I know it sounds odd. My sister told me on my wedding day, she was embarrassed about the wedding venue. I think it's pretty mean thing to say. With regards to my depression, it's not full blown. My father left us when we were kids, so our family is small and very dysfunctional. When we were growing up I was praised for my looks and grades ( I know that's wrong). And I think my sister subconsciously compete with me. I read somewhere when you let people walk all over you, you train them that it's okay to treat you like this. They have no fear of losing you ( not that I am saying people should be afraid).

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