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Introducing him to DS

(39 Posts)
GoodJobSweetie Mon 27-Feb-17 18:48:26

I would really appreciate some help/advice...

How would/when would you introduce your DC to your new partner?

A bit of a back story - it would be wrong of me to drip feed.

I left DS father after 6 and a half years (DS is 5) to go back to my first ever partner, I have known him all my life due to our mums being best friends, we haven't been back together for too long and DS has met him briefly when I wasn't present, do you think it would be too soon for me to introduce them properly to one another or should I wait? as DS is a big part of my life.

TIA

weekendninja Mon 27-Feb-17 18:54:02

How long ago did you leave the father?

ThatsPlenty Mon 27-Feb-17 18:59:30

I would wait. I think round about the six month mark(or more) is acceptable. Do you think your ex would be ok with your DS meeting the other man or will he give you a hard time?

ElspethFlashman Mon 27-Feb-17 19:03:30

Where's the fire? What's the rush?

TheNaze73 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:07:27

All seems too soon. What's the rush? Enjoy the dating, that's the best bit grin

inlectorecumbit Mon 27-Feb-17 19:07:58

DS is a big part of my life.
i should hope so-in fact he should be even more than that. hmm

WannaBe Mon 27-Feb-17 19:10:09

I wouldn't think so much about the timing as the relationship and the circumstances. Fact here is that this man is your ex - presumably for a reason - so the fact you know him is irrelevant because you've already had one relationship with him which didn't work out. And it's entirely possible that you're now in a honeymoon period of having re-discovered each other and your love for each other. Added to which your DS' father may understandabl be bitter about the split, and to be brutally honest, introducing your child to the man you left him for so soon will be like flaunting it in his face.

I'm usually a lot less particular about new partners being introduced after months/years, my personal view is that it's better to introduce children sooner as a year for instance is a lot to invest into a relationship and to then discover that it's incompatible with the kids.

But IMO an affair is different, because there are a lot more emotions at steak and other things to take into consideration. With an affair I would actually say you should wait at least a year, since most affairs don't actually work out in the end.

PaterPower Mon 27-Feb-17 19:49:47

Yeah.. having been the cheated on husband, I'd say wait a bit before introducing OM to your DC. Unless your marriage / relationship was dying a looooong death then a few weeks/months is going to be very provocative from your ex's POV.

Try putting yourself in his shoes and work out how you'd feel if he was introducing the dc to a woman he'd had an affair with. Particularly one that, I assume, your ex knows. How long would you prefer he'd wait in those circumstances? Use that as your yardstick.

WannaBe Mon 27-Feb-17 20:39:10

There are numerous threads on here from women who are upset when the ex wants to introduce their DC to the OW he left her for. And while people do acknowledge that she can't control that, there is always unanimous agreement that introducing them so soon is incredibly insensitive and doesn't actually take account of what the children will be going through with the parents' split either.

GoodJobSweetie Mon 27-Feb-17 20:47:09

weekendninja I left him just over a month ago, and he is now being very spiteful saying he wants me and DS out of his house, I do plan to leave very soon, it's not a problem I can rehouse myself and my child.

ThatsPlenty I don't think he is going to be happy with it, but which man would? But it is going to have to happen eventually.

TheNaze I have known him for the whole of my life and I was in a relationship with him before we have just picked up where we left off.

PaterPower My ex doesn't know him, I didn't leave my sons father just because I wanted to, he was the cause of it, sleeping a lot (due to an illness) or out all day and coming home late.

pigeondujour Mon 27-Feb-17 20:51:32

I left him just over a month ago, and he is now being very spiteful saying he wants me and DS out of his house

Yeah ok.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 27-Feb-17 20:53:39

A month?! And you still live together?

Way, way WAY too soon. Jesus Christ.

Oysterbabe Mon 27-Feb-17 21:00:33

I can't believe you're already with someone else confused

noblame Mon 27-Feb-17 21:02:15

so effectively you want to invite your new man around in your ex-but still-H ?
Where is your exH at the minute ?

ThatsPlenty Mon 27-Feb-17 21:35:14

Your ex-partner will no doubt be going through a horrible time. Try not to flaunt your relationship in his face. I've had it done to me and it can be quite traumatic, especially when there's children involved.

loveyoutothemoon Mon 27-Feb-17 21:35:33

Get real!

WannaBe Mon 27-Feb-17 21:53:10

OP, affairs are rarely black and white, and it's true to say that many affairs are born out of difficulties within the marriage. However, in that instance it's also not fair to say that he was responsible for the breakup etc, if his behaviour was such that you felt you had no choice but to leave, but had an exit affair, then the truth is that you are both responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. And regardless of his part, he has every right to feel bitter and to want you to leave the house now that you have made your intentions to leave him clear.

As for introducing your DS to the OM while you are still living with your DP, no. Absolutely no way is this acceptable - ever. It's IMO not acceptable to introduce new partners while you're living with the other parent even if they're not your affair partner. You need to move out first, allow time for your DS to settle into wherever you live, and only then do you even start to think about it. A year at the very least given the circumstances of this relationship. And no, the fact you know him already is irrelevant here. Your DS doesn't* know him, and that is all that matters.

You were deluding yourself if you thought you could just leave your current partner and introduce you and your DS into the new life you have planned with the OM. There is going to be much unravelling to do. It will take years before you are even remotely in a position to be living a normal family life with this bloke, if ever.

As for having just picked up where you left off, don't be so bloody naive. I mean where you left off was the end of the relationship, no? And in the interim you had another serious relationship and a child, and presumably he has lived his own life in that time. Why did you split up the first time anyway?

Sorry OP but if you care about your DS and want to do the right thing as a parent, then you will put him first and put the happy ever after on hold for the foreseeable future. Keep dating this man if you want, see where things go in the next several months to a year, and then, and only then, think about how to introduce him to your DS.

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 27-Feb-17 21:55:11

It is very soon OP. There's no rush. Let things settle down. It's a case of picking up where you left off for you and him, but your DS isn't in on that familiarity. At least wait until the housing situation has been resolved.

GoodJobSweetie Mon 27-Feb-17 22:13:03

HermioneJeanGranger He is not here I am still living in his house but will be moving on soon.

OysterBabe I am not too sure whether you have read what I have written or not; I left my sons dad to be with my ex.

Thanks for the advice given I do appreciate it and I will take it.

weekendninja Mon 27-Feb-17 22:13:31

I think a month is far too soon. Yes, you both have history but you can't just pick up where you left off...you have had a child! Things change. People change.

I haven't had the dilemma of when to introduce myself DS's to a new partner. I think it's important when leaving a relationship to take some time out to focus on what is important (the happiness and security of your child) and also what you actually want. I also think that when I do introduce myself DS's to a partner in will me as sure as I possibly can that they will feature in their lives for a very long time.

Chill, reflect and focus on both of you. If he's worth it he won't go far.

JK1773 Mon 27-Feb-17 22:17:49

I agree with others it's far too soon. I've been with my OH about 4 months now and I'm nowhere near ready to meet his children. That's not because I don't want to. But what if the relationship doesn't work out? Why aren't you just enjoying this period of time where it's just you two? Isn't that the best part?

Suspendersformybelief Mon 27-Feb-17 22:20:30

This OP is all about you and your ex (who may be being spiteful because he is hurt?) and your ex-now-not-your-ex.

What about your son?

I think a 5 year old boy is probably really missing his dad and very confused. He needs all of your attention.

It sounds like your relationship with your ex is going at break-neck speed and if you introduce him to your DS, it won't be long before you're trying to play happy families.

Put the brakes on for your son's sake.
Focus on him. Pay more attention to letting him have a relationship with his dad, not your ex-ex

Kikikaakaa Tue 28-Feb-17 00:35:15

It's far far too soon for your Ds

It might make your life easier but ask yourself what it will actually bring to DS at the moment?

hoddtastic Tue 28-Feb-17 00:43:26

Whilst k understand that kids are a pita when you're all wrapped up in your fairy story maybe it'd be a good idea for the innocents in this not to be dragged into or forced to play along with it... A month.

Don't rewrite history- if your ex father of the kid doesn't know this person it's not like he's been a constant is it?? What are you thinking???

OnionKnight Tue 28-Feb-17 12:54:14

So your ex is spiteful because YOU left him to get back with another ex from years ago, thus splitting up your family.

Yeah okay hmm

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