Should I leave him?

[Mermaid27]

After having thoughts swirling round my head for the past 6 months, I feel at a bit of a loose end. I've been with my husband for 14 years and married for 8. We have 2 beautiful girls 6 & 3 who he is fantastic with and generally he helps around the house (he still has his messy moments but he'll do the washing, wash up iron etc) we got together when I was 18 and I'd had another long term boyfriend before him and a couple of boyfriends in between.

For the past 6 months I feel like the spark has just dropped completely out of our relationship, we argue over the most petty things like he insists on growing a beard but I hate the way it looks and feels and makes me fancy him less, he sits watching sport on the TV constantly or re-runs of mindless sitcoms that he's seen a thousand times before. Whereas I'd watch something more intellectual. Sometimes I feel we're only together because of our children, and whilst he genuinely is a nice guy he can be very spiteful at times, swearing at me and name calling. I react as I have quite a fiery temper but I've got to the point where I just don't have the energy to spend the rest of my life being spoken to like this. I feel like I never know what version of him I'm going to get, I love the happy, caring husband but I can't keep dealing with this verbal abuse. I feel like I've gone off him sexually too in quite a big way, I, just not interested in him and find myself wishing to be with other men (none in particular but I almost yearn to meet someone with similar interests to mine)

I told him how I felt a few months ago and that he seriously needed to change else I would leave him but I feel like I've been saying this for most of our relationship ( I was actually ready to leave him recently, I'd even started looking at houses).

Funding my own house etc isn't an issue as I have a good job and we have quite good equity on our home.

I feel like if I were to pick a partner now, it probably wouldn't be him, but I don't know if that's because we've been together so long we've grown apart. I feel like I've matured but he still acts so childish it makes me want to strangle him at times.

I just can't bear to put my beautiful girls through the trauma of us splitting up, but I feel so confused.

Help! Any advice appreciated x

[hellsbellsmelons]

Do your girls hear him when he is verbally abusing you?
Because that is an awful relationship lesson to be teaching them.
He actually sounds pretty awful.
Had read the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that?
If not then get it and read it.
You want out.
You can get out.
So what is stopping you?

[Mermaid27]

Hi

They sometimes hear him, but they're quite innocent so probably don't get what he's saying but they would pick up on the tone of it. It's stupid things like calling me a dd or k*b or t*t but I hate swearing and just don't see the need. His dad is quite abusive to his mum and they just accept this as the norm. He's made real efforts in the past to stop swearing, and I know he will try anything but he always resorts back. I've even got to the point where I think he may be bipolar!!

I just can't decide whether I'm being rationale or not? 85% of the time things are great, but that other 15% I just tell myself I'm worth more than this. Is it selfish to break up my family and my kids life because of it?

I picture myself in 20 years time and think if he's still talking to me like this and my girls are at uni etc then I'll just leave.

[Jenniferb21]

I understand your selfish comment and feeling like that shows you are not selfish. But what I think also is that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy. If you think you'll break up once your girls leave home you would have wasted years listening to this abuse and having an 'untrue' life. With 1 in 3 marriages ending in divorce (so I hear) it is sad people can't try to work hard at making it work but if there's no physical attraction anymore and he's verbally abusive I don't think a sit down talk and 'working on things' is going to change anything is it?

Look after you... your girls would adapt and adjust it would be upsetting for them initially but I think it'd upset me more as a 26 year old woman if my mum told me She stayed with my dad out of guilt etc I'd want her to be happy x

[hellsbellsmelons]

So if I offered you a cup of shit would you drink it? NO!!
OK how about half a cup with tea as the other half? Still NO?
How about 85% tea and only 15% shit - would you drink it???
Of course you wouldn't.
I hope I'm making my point???

[Polidori]

If he's verbally abusive and you never know what version you're going to get, then he's not a "genuinely nice guy". Genuinely nice people don't do that.
Children recover from break ups. Mine did. It's unpleasant and traumatic but they're happy once everything is settled. What they're far less likely to recover from is growing up with parents who are modelling an abusive relationship. That's how they learn what relationships should look like. And don't kid yourself that they don't understand that he's being mean. As things are the two of you are teaching them that that's ok. Staying together for the children is a phenomenally bad idea.
And I really want to know what exactly makes you say he's" fantastic" with them. What does he do to earn such high praise?

[Ratbagcatbag]

This was (is!!) me. My dh is exactly the same. Amazing dad, great bloke most of the time but bloody hell can be horrid on occasion.

It's taken me two years where I was unsure and now I'm going. He's buying me out and I've got an offer accepted on a house for me and my 4yo dd. It's been tough and I emotionally didn't expect it to hurt, but I just don't love him like that anymore.

Life is too short and I refuse to stay with someone who when angry with me is just nasty.

It's not easy at all,, and I've lost a good chunk of friends that i expected to have my back, especially as he is gutted about it all, they think as there's no affair or not violent (and to be fair a bloody good dad) I'm selfish.

All I can say is it took me ages and then one small (minor all things considered) just made me completely switch off and decide I want more out of life. This was 8 weeks ago now and I've not wavered through the tears.

If you want to PM me feel free. Also have a look at thread "those who want to leave unsatisfying relationships".

Good luck

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I don't think you should throw away 18 years on the strength of a bad 6 months.

But I don't have any advice on improving things! He definitely needs to cut the swearing out. That's just wrong.

[Polidori]

Sorry couple more points:
You say he helps around the house. Who does he help? You have a paid job. Do you "help" around the house? Or is housework your job which he helps you to do?
And about the telly - its really not a problem having different tastes. But is he sitting in front of the telly while you're cooking, parenting etc., when you've both been at work all week?
(I'm assuming you're both working, not just you?)

[Mermaid27]

Yes we both work full time. When I say help around the house we share chores etc 50/50 I don't have to ask him to do basic household chores which is great as a lot of my friends their husbands don't lift a finger round the house.

This morning his reason for swearing at me last night is he is stressed about starting a new job, I've told him he needs to start taking to me more as he's damaging our marriage (I've said this so many times before)

Although not the right reason to stay I'm going to see how things go, we have a family holiday booked in June & id hate to ruin this for the kids.

I know if I told him I was leaving it would crush him (ironic I know) sometimes I feel like men are just an entire different species

Ratbagcatbag your situation sounds the same as mine, I just can't seem to get to a descision so feel like I'm floating in limbo.

Thanks for listening all x

[nicenewdusters]

You say that if you told him you were leaving he'd be crushed. But you've told him he's making you unhappy, what it is that needs to change, but he's not doing it. So he's taking the risk that you will leave.

If he really cared for and respected you he'd try and make the change now. Of course he'll be crushed when you leave, because he won't have what he wants anymore. But you will. And your feelings are just as important as his.

[LegoStarWars]

Nicenewdusters – that was such a great thing to read. I was going to post to say I'm in a similar position, DH not quite as bad but has a horrible temper and just doesn't get/care how much it upsets me.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Mermaid27,

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What emotional needs of yours are being met here by him?. I would like an answer that relates to you only. You met him when you were very young and had no proper life experience behind you either. People change and I think you have also outgrown him.

Your children are being emotionally harmed by their dad verbally abusing their mother. They hear this and regard this as normal; they think this is how men in relationships actually speak to women. That is far more damaging to them in the long run than putting them through the process of you divorcing this man. Would you want them to marry or date a man like yours; you are showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you.

Abusive men are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. They can also appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world (though I could imagine that 1 or 2 of your friends have their own suspicions about him).

Staying till June and this holiday you've booked (what if he swears at you whilst on holiday?) simply gives him another 3 months in which to verbally abuse you. Do not continue to bury your head in the sand or get further bogged down in the sunken costs fallacy (do read up on this) as that also causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.