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Getting married abroad - eloping

(54 Posts)
user1488137530 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:19:08

Hi
Just looking for thoughts I think (or to broadcast my own at least!)
OH proposed last year, we both love Canada and if it weren't for family would move there in an instant. His parents are no longer with us, we advised my mum and step father of plan to marry in Canada (and invited them) went down like a storm in a teacup - why can't we marry at local registry office like everyone else (have had this response to pretty much every decision I've ever made - why can't you be more like...why go to uni when you can work at Tesco that sort of thing) I was pretty pissed off thought they'd be happy and respect our choices.

Now we are still planning to elope but have a 10 yr old who we wanted present at wedding, obviously with parents refusing to fly we have the dilemma of the fact we are staying in Canada for a month.

Options;
BA no longer seem to do unaccompanied flights, air Canada do. Thought of flying her out with us and then spendi a day getting her back to airport and sending her back to UK alone using accompanied service but realisation is hitting in that logistically this seems to be a nightmare AND is going to be an emotional wrenche seeing her go back on her own and no doubt she will be highly upset or maybe I'm worrying she would be she couldn't stay as one would miss too much school two we are going to really remote places she would get bored and of course want a honeymoon alone.

So been thinking, elope two of us spend a month over there, come back have a blessing wear the dress again, have parents and daughter present again would be v small affair likely just the five of us then go for a meal

Interested to hear if anyone else has used accompanied flight service before for international flights to see if we do drop option one.

Have been away four weeks before without daughter has been fine only had emotional issues when it came to phoning a few days before we were due to fly back so would avoid calls again and stick to emails

Nomoreworkathome Sun 26-Feb-17 20:32:37

I think a month is a long time for you both to be away from a child of that age. Why do you have to be away that long to get married?

GreatMop Sun 26-Feb-17 20:43:32

I think you're being a bit unfair to your mother and stepfather -- quite apart from whether they want to trek to Canada for a 'destination wedding', your entire post is about how difficult the logistics of marrying in Canada will be, especially as regards your daughter -- and can you both even get a month off work? I tend to agree it would be easier all round to do it in this country, particularly for your daughter.

You'll have to research the unaccompanied minor thing. Different airlines have entirely different policies -- some won't allow under twelves to travel at all without an accompanying adult (this might be BA?), some will only do it if it's a direct flight with no transfers -- and some countries won't allow unaccompanied minors through immigration without extra paperwork.

Also, 'elope' implies marrying illicitly, you're just marrying abroad.

user1488137530 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:46:13

We usually go away for 3-4 weeks at a time, Canada is huge will be splitting time in BC and Alaska, child will be well supported here otherwise wouldn't consider it

NewUserName01 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:51:46

I'm not sure what you're asking really but will have a go at replying as someone who did get married abroad without any family or friends present. I didn't have children when I got married.

Personally I would just get married at home as I think it's important for your child to be there. A wedding ceremony is such a short ceremony - 5 mins? It's not worth making too much fuss about and it would be lovely to do this with just the 5 of you. As you're already asking your parents to look after your child for 4 weeks it would surely be easier to do the wedding ceremony together and then enjoy the honeymoon without anyone else's opinions, preferences or judgments to consider.

My main reason for saying I think it's important for your child to be there is that my Mum remembers coming home from school one day to find out her mother had got married. Not quite the same thing but it didn't make her feel part of the new relationship.

user1488137530 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:54:23

Didn't realise elopement term - won't be illicit!

Perhaps, it's just always a negative response whatever it's regarding I.e what summerhouse we've chosen to where we go on holiday to life's goals etc drives you down.

Both employers fine with time off - extended leave likely to take some unpaid

I wouldn't be against her staying the whole time but would miss a lot of school and OH or ride she will be bored with mileage we are covering and being so outdoors I.e no technology parks etc, I think the environment would be good for her. But also would be honeymoon so would have no child free time

Only other alternative I suppose would be to go for two weeks all fly back and then we fly out on honeymoon but quite what we'd cut down of itinery I don't know

Feel awfully confused about it the more I think about it

derektheladyhamster Sun 26-Feb-17 20:56:57

Can you not get married in the registry office and go to Canada for your honeymoon?
I'm quite willing to accept that I'm not a big destination wedding fan though

user1488137530 Sun 26-Feb-17 21:00:26

Newusername1 - I didn't know what im asking myself really, feel awfully confused. Can see what you are saying - wouldn't upset anyone then then perhaps we can get a blessing at our chosen destination afterwards alone.

I think part of my confusion is I would love daughter to see some of canada, maybe we can look at planning a separate trip for that. We'd both love to move there, at present daughter says she wouldn't want to and I couldn't as mum would never forgive me and perhaps the grass isn't always greener.

Emboo19 Sun 26-Feb-17 21:09:43

When are you planing on marrying? Couldn't you do 4 weeks in the summer holidays?
I'd have been upset, to not be at my parents wedding and I was 18!
Also I feel a bit bad for your parents who are willing to have your dd for 4 weeks, but will miss out on you getting married. Couldn't you do the registry office and then have a blessing in Canada just the two of you?

Montane50 Sun 26-Feb-17 21:53:24

Tbh you seem quite selfish. You've been away before for an extended period and dd had an issue when you rang? That'd be the huge reason why i wouldn't be going again for an extended period. Also your parents seem quite generous with the support they offer but you don't really seem bothered about them

celtiethree Sun 26-Feb-17 22:05:38

Can't get past the fact that your happy to leave your daughter for 4 weeks and have left her for that length before. Compounded by the fact that you think email contact for that long is good enough. You come across as v selfish.

HeddaGarbled Sun 26-Feb-17 22:12:02

I think you need to rethink this completely.

A month is too long to leave your daughter. And I agree that expecting her to travel without you is horrible for her.

Could you do the registry office at home with just your parents and daughter and then have a 10-14 day honeymoon?

Northernlurker Sun 26-Feb-17 22:52:31

Get a grip op. You have a ten year old. You can't just take off for a months honeymoon. Act your age.

iknowimcoming Sun 26-Feb-17 22:55:48

Couldn't you wait another 8 years or so for this kind of trip and do things now that you dd might enjoy too, I don't think Canada is going anywhere, your daughter however will be long gone and you won't get the time back with her sad

user1488137530 Sun 26-Feb-17 23:40:19

I don't think choosing how you want to marry is selfish - at the end of the day it's about two people who love each other - some people want a big wedding some just the two of them. I would hope whatever a couple chose others would respect that decision. We ourselves are going to a wedding abroad, as soon as they said it's abroad we thought oh great we don't want to go but are going otherwise it will upset others.
Parents were very dismissive instantly they will go if local or might consider if we chose a country of their choice.
I understand the comments re leaving a child so long and expected some, I would not leave her for a month if I thought she would not be safe, cared for and happy last time we only spoke two days before we were due back it definitely made it harder, I have friends who have done similar they all report harder on both parties when speaking. But yes I get a month is a long time hence my post, ideal situation would have been all parties would have been pleased, we'd have planned a family holiday at end of 10 days/two weeks we'd have stayed on and parents would fly back with little one.
No flights are booked as yet so timescales not set in stone but 22-28 days would seem likely.
I think after reading comments, thinking more and talking and logistically in terms of planning a ceremony it probably does make more sense to marry here, we can always think about having a blessing just the two of us over there. But thoughts then are still back to the trip I would like daughter to see the wildlife and experience a trip other half thinks she will be bored (seeing nature/culture/wildlife/whales) and not to though he suggested I fly back with her and rejoin him if we were going to bring her out with us. Unless we all go for two weeks maybe push 16 days then agree to a 2 week trip alone somewhere after, I think he worries we won't get any child free time. I've just thought about it all too much that my head is in a wirr as worried about trying to keep everyone happy not upset anyone and try and organise some sort of realistic plan/itinerary based on a number of scenarios

user1488137530 Sun 26-Feb-17 23:43:03

Not that I don't seem bothered about them - was really upset by the response tried to talk about it thought they'd be excited and was just - no - conversation cut end of

DarklyDreamingDexter Sun 26-Feb-17 23:59:49

You chose to be parents first, so your daughter's welfare should take priority over your dream wedding, surely? A month is a long time to a child that age and expecting her to fly home alone would be nerve wracking for most kids. Can't believe you're seriously considering it really.

Montane50 Mon 27-Feb-17 00:21:48

Reading your update it sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. Id love a holiday like that, but not at the expense of my dcs, you seem to have read the replies and taken on board the opinions of mn, on the other hand your dp sounds like an extremely selfish man and is almost pulling out all the stops to dissuade your dd from coming-i don't envy you tbh! But number 1 priority is your dd im afraid so he'll have to compromise on a few things

HappyJanuary Mon 27-Feb-17 03:00:05

Well it seems that you can't have exactly what you want - a month long holiday with your dd present for only part of it - without expecting your dd to make the long flight home unaccompanied or persuading your parents to spend £££ coming with you, and both are unreasonable imo.

Therefore you will have to compromise in some way, and accept that you can't have exactly what you want.

Either get married here and then have a shorter two week honeymoon without your dd, or stick to the original plan and take her with you.

GoingAWOL Mon 27-Feb-17 03:09:15

Is she his daughter?

Graphista Mon 27-Feb-17 03:20:03

I can't imagine being away from my dd for that long and that far away nor wanting to!

Your posts come over as if you resent your daughter and certainly as if your fiancé does. I'm also wondering if she's his child.

Your responsibility to a fairly young child comes first surely.

I'm an army brat myself and while my dad was away for months at a time he stayed in touch regularly. Ditto my ex (also army) when we were together.

Why did you not at the very least call regularly?

Out2pasture Mon 27-Feb-17 04:05:29

Double check that the UK recognizes Canadian marriages. You may need to do a registry one anyway.

KickAssAngel Mon 27-Feb-17 04:29:00

Have you even looked into the requirements for getting married in Canada? You say you want to move there but it's incredibly difficult to gets visas and jobs there, unless you have a claim to citizenship. I know people who've found it easier to work in the US (where I live) than Canada.

Sorry, but this all sounds really un-thought-out right now. I know you're just kicking around ideas, but it seems like your first priority is getting a full month travelling around Canada, then getting married, then, maybe, your Dd and other family.I'm sure you didn't mean to come across as loving your holiday more than your daughter, but all the compromises you suggest still fit around the 4 weeks in Canada, as if it's somehow the single most important thing in your life.

FrenchLavender Mon 27-Feb-17 05:23:20

I was pretty pissed off thought they'd be happy and respect our choices.

Well I'm sure they would have, if your choices didn't involve them needing to spend time and money they'd rather not on going places they'd rather not, and having you plan for them to look after your DD so you can have your honeymoon in peace.

Now we are still planning to elope but have a 10 yr old who we wanted present at wedding, obviously with parents refusing to fly we have the dilemma of the fact we are staying in Canada for a month.

Eloping is running away to marry in secret and then telling people about it afterwards. You aren't eloping, are you? Eloping is not the same as having a destination wedding. Why do people keep on mis-using the word elope these days? confused

Firstly it's unfair and impractical to expect your poor DD to fly to/from Canada unaccompanied just to fit in with your unusual holiday plans, that is ridiculous. Forget that idea straight away. Unaccompanied children on long flights are only for situations where you have no choice, not for daft whims like this.

Why do you feel so entitled to a honeymoon alone? You have a child. People who want the guarantee of a romantic honeymoon alone are generally better advised to get married before they have children. Sorry if that's an inconvenient truth. Either shorten the trip or don't, but keep her with you the whole time or don't take her at all. Why can't you go in the school holidays and then missing too much school won't be an issue. Or if your parents are happy to have her while you go away alone then do that, but I'm not sure how either they, or your DD will feel about that for a whole month.

So been thinking, elope two of us spend a month over there, come back have a blessing wear the dress again, have parents and daughter present again would be v small affair likely just the five of us then go for a meal

But quite honestly what would be the point of that when you are so determined not to have a simple wedding here in the first place? You'll just be doing the exact thing you are complaining you don't want to do. confused If you are going to go to the bother of all that so that your DD and parents can be present then you may as well just get married properly here in the first place and then go on honeymoon alone. Why the obsession with marrying in Canada? confused

Have been away four weeks before without daughter has been fine only had emotional issues when it came to phoning a few days before we were due to fly back so would avoid calls again and stick to emails

Seriously? You left her for a whole month at under ten years old and she was upset, so your answer this time is not 'we can't leave her for that long again' but to just not speak to her so you don't have to deal with the fact that she is upset? shockhmm

Bloody hell.

Holly3434 Mon 27-Feb-17 05:23:48

I feel sorry for your D.C, got selfish parents

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