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Don't know what to do about MIL and DP!

(37 Posts)
Omgkittiess Sun 26-Feb-17 18:56:24

I've always had a very difficult relationship with MIL, always treading on eggshells around her as the smallest thing can set her off. She is constantly playing favourites between me and BILs partners, seems she can never like both of us at the same time, and will always try to play us off against each other, it worked with his ex and made things hell but luckily his current girlfriend has become a very close friend so we just ignore it mostly. For some reason she has decided my family(and BILs girlfriends too) are evil people trying to take over her role as parent, really not the case! When me and DP first got together she would be furious just at the thought of him spending time with family, he wasn't even allowed to come to my 18th birthday party. You can imagine the arguments that followed when we moved into a house closer to my mum (in the newer, quieter part of town so houses were nicer, it actually had nothing to do with being closer to my parents!) Despite this we always seem to spend more time with her.

I think because of how she is I've let her walk all over me and just given her what she wanted to avoid arguments, once she's started she can go on for a very long time.

My younger brother is going travelling at the end of this week for a year so on Friday we went out for dinner with my mum and her family and tonight we are supposed to be going out for dinner with my dad. MIL texted last night inviting us over for dinner, DP told her we couldn't as we're going for a meal for my brother. She then called him swearing and shouting about how she's doing this dinner especially for him as he told her he hasn't had a proper home cooked roast for ages (we usually just go to the carvery). DP just said to her he is sorry but we can't today maybe next weekend and ended the call.

So today I get a call from my dad asking if I want him to pick me up so I don't have to drive and can have a drink and he asks me what is wrong with DP as he texted my brother to tell him he won't be able to make tonight, he was at work so I had no idea he had texted so I called him. He decided he's going to go for dinner at MILs, I was so angry I just hung up before I said something I regretted. He then texted me saying "If you're going to be like this I won't bother. Im just trying to make our life easier so mum won't moan"!!!!!!

It's such a minor thing but I honestly am just at the end and it has upset me so much. I just don't know what to do now because I am so angry but no one seems to understand why. I honestly feel like crying, I will always be second best to MIL because she throws a better tantrum, it shouldn't have to be a competition.

Sorry it's long and thank you for letting me vent.

SequinsOnEverything Sun 26-Feb-17 18:59:58

If he's going to give in to his mum whenever she has a tantrum then do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with that?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 26-Feb-17 19:02:50

Send him this link and say "Basically you have just told her that if she throws a big enough tantrum then she will get her own way."

SandyY2K Sun 26-Feb-17 19:09:19

You won't be happy with a man who can't stand up to his mother. Instead of ignoring her nonsense, he's pandering to it.

Just go and see your brother and leave him to it.

IMissGin Sun 26-Feb-17 19:11:39

I'd be fuming. He's totally unreasonable. It's not a minor thing at all, I'd be considering ending this relationship- it will only get worse.

JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 19:12:29

God this sounds familiar! My ex MIL was exactly the same. It took me years to twig that it was actually FIL winding her up to behave like that so he looked like the reasonable one. I actually think she had a personality disorder. She would ring up screaming abuse about things she had gotten totally wrong. Every occasion (birthdays/Xmas etc) was just a nightmare as she wanted us with her. My family are quite laid back so I lost out on so much time with them just to make life easier. They refused to come to our housewarming because I'd asked them not to bring the dog (my young nephew was allergic). My EXP went to their house that day and left me to host the housewarming on my own. I was so embarrassed. We tried NC after that whole episode but that didn't work. She would behave like that and then just act normal next time we saw her. It was a deeply difficult situation and it never really got resolved as I left (this was one of many reasons). I don't know what to advise really but I certainly feel your pain. And your DP is probably the only one who can sort it out

Mrskeats Sun 26-Feb-17 19:18:13

Poor you. No wonder you feel like crying.
Your mil gets her way by bullying and your dp needs to grow up and present a united front with you.
Go and see off your brother with your dad and think about what you want the future to look like.

Whocansay Sun 26-Feb-17 19:25:58

I'd leave them to it to be honest. You aren't married and have no children with him. Why set yourself up for a future filled with this kind of nonsense? He's a mummy's boy. He won't change and you will never be his priority. You'll just learn to respect him less and less.

I suggest you give some serious thought to a future with this person.

PoohBearsHole Sun 26-Feb-17 19:26:57

OP I too have had a difficult relationship with MIL in the past and when she pulled a tatrum when we got engaged it was a make or break moment. DH stood up to her, told her we didn't need her but more importantly didn't WANT her if she was going to behave like this. At ythis point i knew i'd marry him. Truly, you gave a dp problem and you need to make a decision as yo whether you want to continue in this fashion. Do you have children? If not i'd just tell him to sling his hook and stay at MIL from now on.

HandbagCrazy Sun 26-Feb-17 19:32:46

Is this a deal breaker for you? If not, you're limited in what you can do.
If it is, spell it out very clearly.
1 - The way MIL calls and gives abuse is unacceptable. How would he feel if your mum did that?
2 - You're not going to be bullied anymore. You will see his family if / when you want to and it's convenient. They are not more important than your family.
3 - If anything like this happens again (or you can do this now), explain you are going to have a tantrum of your own. This will not entail any abuse or sulking, it will be you drawing a line and ending the relationship. So he can chose to upset one of you, but you won't be second best any longer.

If he agrees / understands this, point him in the direction of some reading on toxic / emotionally abusive relationships. This is his normal so it will be hard for him to step back and see it as you do. From his experience, defying her and being on the receiving end of her punishments is probable terrifying, and it has been happening for so long I doubt he can really see it or work out what he should do next.

Donth8procreate Sun 26-Feb-17 19:33:17

Did you used to be Omgkitties with only one S? Might be the wrong OP but didn't she also make some vile comments about your mum and dad being alcoholics and brother a drug addict? If so I'd be well shot tbh.

Even if you aren't the same OP I'd get rid. I don't blame you wanting to cry, it sounds like a horrible situation. Your mother is a bully and you DP is enabling her. Just the part about her playing games with you and the other girls is enough to make me tell you to run for the hills.

Have a lovely even with your brother and try to forget about them. X

Nanny0gg Sun 26-Feb-17 19:48:37

Do you want children?

Imagine the dramas over the birth, the return home, the birthdays/Easter/Christmas/Bank Holidays/childcare etc etc.

You have a DP problem, Even if he thought his idea was a good one he should have discussed it with you first.

It will not get better.

happypoobum Sun 26-Feb-17 19:51:16

Totally agree with Whocansay

Leave them to it - if you think it's bad now, it will get 10,000 times worse if you stay and have DC with him.

Omgkittiess Sun 26-Feb-17 20:00:58

My family are quite laid back so I lost out on so much time with them just to make life easier.

Exactly the same, I rarely get to see my family because MIL always seems to Coke first.

Did you used to be Omgkitties with only one S? Might be the wrong OP but didn't she also make some vile comments about your mum and dad being alcoholics and brother a drug addict?

Yeah, my mum and step dad and my 15 year old brother!

I don't want to end the relationship particularly as we've been together a while and other than MIL we have very few problems. I've told him we are going to have a proper talk tonight but I know it will be the usual "well what do you expect me to do?" Or just saying he will try change things and then that only lasts a few weeks. 😔

JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:07:51

I'm sure you don't want to end things but you and your DP need to decide together how to manage the situation and both stick to it. I recognise it is difficult for him but he has to understand how you feel. He needs to set some boundaries and stick to them. Sadly for me nothing got better, it just became worse and worse to the point where she was dominating every hour of our time off work and my ex was too spineless to do anything about it. She was terribly abusive to me, then would just act like nothing happened so then if I raised it I was the bad one. She sometimes texted me in the middle of the night asking why she was not a part of 'my family'. The relief I have now that I don't have to put up with that any more is massive. Like a weight has been completely lifted

Cherrysoup Sun 26-Feb-17 20:10:51

When he says what do you want me to do, tell him he needs to stnd up to her and unless she stops verbally abusing you and demanding/tantrumming, you and he won't cave to her demands.

BaymaxismyHero Sun 26-Feb-17 20:18:08

"What do you want me to do"?
Err grow some balls and tell your mother to sod off!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 26-Feb-17 20:20:09

He isn't committed to your relationship... He is still tied to his mummy's apron.
Walk away. In fact run. .

MadamePomfrey Sun 26-Feb-17 20:25:14

All his doing by giving in is playing into her vision that you are the big bad threat to her baby boy 🙄🙄. He needs to stand up for you/with you or run off back to mummy!! You may have very few problems but a dp who won't support you is a pretty major one in my opinion!

Lasagna Sun 26-Feb-17 20:25:44

Ending a relationship is always hard but I think in this case it's right. You will feel 100 times better when you get that poisonous woman out of your life.

She sounds nutty and as PP say she is a bully and all your DP doing is enabling her. Put an end to it. NOW.

StewieGMum Sun 26-Feb-17 20:31:02

This situation is quite abusive. His mother is controlling both of you and isolating you from your family. There is no point where it magically gets better or easier to live with. The question you need to ask is: can you spend the rest of your life like this?

RebootYourEngine Sun 26-Feb-17 20:37:05

You say that you have very few problems in your relationship but the one thing that is a problem is a huge problem. You need a serious talk with your dp, he needs to stand up to his mother and do what he wants not what she wants.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 26-Feb-17 20:51:16

So many patronising posts.

He's a mummies boy
He's tied to her apron strings
You have a DP problem

Lets not forget that he has been subjected to and trained to respond in this manner through a life time of FOG.

The question should be are you strong enough to help him get out of/change this abusive parental relationship.

AmeliaLeopard Sun 26-Feb-17 21:28:18

I had this with my ex. I supported, helped, talked, compromised over so many things. Eventually I drew a line in the sand, she threw a big enough tantrum and he gave in to her. Calling off the wedding was the best thing I ever did - I woke up two days later absolutely certain I deserved more than someone who would put his mothers feeling before mine.

It isn't simply a question of you being strong enough, OP. The idea of needing to be strong enough was something which kept me in a seriously unhappy state for way longer than I should have stayed. Refusing to martyr your own happiness isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of self respect.

ohfourfoxache Sun 26-Feb-17 23:03:23

Agree he probably is deep in FOG.

But- and it's a very big but- he needs to be willing to see that he's in FOG before there is a chance of him changing.

Personally I think I'd be leaving him to it. It doesn't sound like he'll change and splitting will only be harder if/when you have DC.

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear sad

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