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Toxic friend?

(16 Posts)
JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 14:31:30

I have a 'friend' (one of my best friends) who is behaving so oddly at the moment I don't know what to do. I came out of a long term relationship about 18 months ago. Around a year ago I started seeing a new guy. It didn't work out but we are still good friends. At the end of last year my 'friend' started trying to set me up with a friend of hers. There was a night out and we kissed. Nothing more happened but later that night my 'friend' turned on me accusing me of dumping my friends when I meet a man (untrue). She was telling me not to take her male friend away from her etc. It was awful.

Fast forward to now and I am now in a new relationship and all is going well. But my 'friend' can't be happy for me. She works away but I see her every time she comes home. I make time for her. She won't hear my new partners name spoken without having a go at me, she accuses me of being obsessed with him (I'm not at all, I only see him once a week). I feel like I should be able to talk to my 'friend' about a new relationship that's making me happy but I feel like I can't. I did try to have it out with her a few weeks ago and she apologised and said she acknowledges her behaviour is bad and that she wouldn't do it again. But I was out with her last night and the atmosphere is still there. We had agreed to put it behind us but I don't think she has.

I mentioned the ex from last year here because she had no problem with that relationship at all, but he was a friend from our local pub and seeing him didn't affect her because we would all just go out together in our big circle of friends. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose her as a friend but the situation is awful. Her own 'relationship' is terrible and I don't know anyone who would put up with what she does, but I respect that is her choice and I don't make much comment about it. If I take a step back from her she will accuse me of putting my new man before her but that's not it at all. Her behaviour hurts me. I'm not sure where I'm going with this really but am I being awful?

Huskylover1 Sun 26-Feb-17 15:29:40

She sounds jealous to me. I'd get rid of her, tbh.

JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 15:45:51

That's the conclusion I'm coming to but she's no need to be jealous. At all 😥

holeinmyheart Sun 26-Feb-17 15:58:48

A friend is surely someone who supports you and makes you feel better about life, not worse. I honestly think that this friendship has run its course. You have laid it on the line for her and she is still making you miserable.
I think you should now distance yourself from her, AND stop feeling guilty, as you have given her a chance to make amends and she hasn't responded.
Life is too short to bother with her and her issues. Cruel as it may seem you have to come first. The the most important person to you, must be you. Sacrificing your own well being for someone else's makes you feel bad.

JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:08:32

It's just sad and unnecessary. Last night she didn't say anything untoward but when I mentioned my partner (who I had spent the day with) I could feel her heckles go up immediately. I should be able to mention him surely!! I don't go on about him at all, I have a full and interesting life with lots to talk about. It just does my head in and she has been very nasty in the past

ddssdd Sun 26-Feb-17 16:22:28

I had a 'friend' like this. She used to have a problem if I mentioned my ex, but would then ask me why I never spoke to her about him. hmm

I then briefly dated someone else, and she did the same; only she would accuse me of not talking about him & hiding things from her. We don't speak now (her choice) but my only regret was that I didn't tell her to fuck off sooner. She ended up being a nasty little bitch!

TheLegendOfBeans Sun 26-Feb-17 17:04:36

This situation presented itself to me so badly last year it nearly resulted in my "best" friend of nearly a decade not getting invited to my wedding (she doesn't know this).

I thought it was all ok but when I look at the wedding pics the smile really doesn't meet the eyes.

She's never accepted my now DH and never will. Even though my XH was a narcissistic emotional bully he was "good banter" unlike DH whom she thinks is boring. I don't care what she thinks of him anymore. I've had to switch my brain off.

For reasons I'd rather not go into she's basically jealous and time and again reminds me of "how lucky I am" and it's tiring. I was told last year I was selfish and that I hadn't made enough time for her. It's she who has the packed work and social calendar. I was stuck at home with a baby and rampant PND. She didn't have a clue nor gave a shit.

It's like a bereavement when it dawns on you that your friendship has died/is dying and that there's little or nothing that can be done to resolve it. Both parties have to really want things to get back to "normal" and if one of you is pedalling and the other isn't then it's curtains.

I wonder if she's basically upset that you've found happiness whereas you've said her relationship could be better. If so it's an explanation but it doesn't make her behaviour ok. Time to move on.

TheLegendOfBeans Sun 26-Feb-17 17:06:55


If your friend is being a bellend, has almost admitted it, and yet continues to be a bellend then you have every right to sack her off.

JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:36:24

Her relationship is just awful. I don't know why she puts up with it. She makes arrangements to see him and he doesn't turn up. He's thoughtless and selfish and he's told her he doesn't see a future for them. I'm not one for rushing into relationships and I haven't had that many but she seems much happier when I'm on my own and that's not right is it?

orangejuicedrinksup Sun 26-Feb-17 18:59:17

The thing I wish I registered younger was that controlling toxic people are often controlling and manipulative just for its own sake

: they don't actually have any end game involving a win- win situation, or working on themselves and their own happiness and self worth .

They just want to passive aggressively get others ( Ie you) to run yourself ragged trying to appease them whilst they secretly get their kicks from seeing you do this. They like others to feel guilty about their own personal failings ( and see it as their job to take on all their unhappiness and self loathing and rage)

I'd be detaching asap if I were you.

JK1773 Sun 26-Feb-17 19:28:52

She is very passively aggressive. That's exactly right. For no reason at all other than to make me feel uncomfortable and not nice about myself. I don't believe she does this to anyone else. It would be a difficult relationship to end as we have plans in the next few weeks together. I might just see how that goes and if it's no better just end it. That would make me sad but I don't see any alternative. I don't understand why anyone would want to treat their friend like that

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 26-Feb-17 19:58:57

Can you just fade out? Do the things you planned then start being busy. Wait for her to call rather than you call her
Get busy with your other friends
If she's not being a friend then she not a friend

TheLegendOfBeans Sun 26-Feb-17 20:44:09

HeatherJayne nails it.

Attend the plans, take her BS, smile, nod and just think "can't wait to shut off your crap out of my life".

And smile again...

springydaffs Sun 26-Feb-17 21:11:19

Life is too short to bother with her and her issues. Cruel as it may seem you have to come first. The the most important person to you, must be you. Sacrificing your own well being for someone else's makes you feel bad.

Perhaps life is too long to dump old but unwieldy friends.

The endemic belief that 'we come FIRST' is a little dispiriting I find. It's rather b&w and ' off with their HEADS!' if said person or situation is not entirely meeting our needs across the board.

People can behave extraordinarily badly at times. While it may be appropriate to take a big step back, is it really essential we cut the offender OFF bcs of unpleasant behaviour? I'm not so sure.

I have an old friend who is very, very dear to me. Perhaps more dear bcs, from my perspective, she has behaved pretty badly towards me at various times. Stop press: she's still not perfect now. Which is a good job bcs neither am I and she has put up with me and stuck around, even if it was at a distance sometimes.

You have to work out if there's enough in your friendship to hold on for the long haul, op. She's behaving pretty shittily at the mo but do you think that's a long term thing? Her relationship is shit which is obviously hurting her a lot if her behaviour towards you is anything to go by.

TheNaze73 Mon 27-Feb-17 10:20:37

Bin her off. She sounds like a high maintenance prick

Poudrenez Mon 27-Feb-17 11:45:36

Life is hard enough without friends who can't be happy for you, or at least support your happiness. Drop her, I say.

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