Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(14 Posts)
user1488105904 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:03:21

Hi everyone, in need of some advice. I've been with my partner for a year and a half now and he has been the most amazing person in ways that i couldn't have imagined. i'm truly in love with him and we plan to marry in the summer. yesterday i woke up and he was having sex with me while i was unconscious. he says that he is truly sorry and has been crying about it all day. can i ever trust him again? where do i go from here?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 26-Feb-17 11:10:10

You are in no way at fault here. He raped you; that is not the action of a loving man who can at all be trusted. No trust - no relationship.

I would call Rape Crisis today and look also at the link His tears are manipulative ones designed to make you feel sorry for him. I would also call the Police, you may also need medical attention.

The wedding needs to be called off.

Your relationship with this man is well and truly over.

PastysPrincess Sun 26-Feb-17 11:11:10

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I guess the only way I coukd see this relationship continuing is if he got therapy and fully admitted that he raped you. Nothing less than full disclosure and accountability.


user1488105904 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:18:53

I'm so blind that I don't see it as rape. He told me at first he thought that i was awake but then he realised that i was asleep but he kept going.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 26-Feb-17 11:21:28

Your feelings are understandable.

Please call Rape Crisis; they can and will help you here. He raped you while you were asleep. His actions were about having power and control over you.

PastysPrincess Sun 26-Feb-17 11:32:32

Think of it this way; You couldn't consent as you were asleep. Sex without consent is rape.

As PP have said I would recommend talking to Rape Crisis. flowers

Patchouli666 Sun 26-Feb-17 18:31:12

If you'd have woken up and responded then that's one thing. If he'd cuddles/ massaged you awake and then things had spgone on, fine too. But he knows it was wrong, why be upset by it if not? And if you'd been OK with the wake up surprise, you wouldn't need too post here. You would have been turned on by it. It was rape darling, it isn't ok. Rapists can be nice men. They don't have to follow you home and put a pillow case over your head when dragging you behind a bus shelter or into a park. It can and often is sadly, the one you trust most in the world. How you deal with this is up to you. I hope you are ok and can get him to leave.

Fliesfliesflies Sun 26-Feb-17 21:58:12

How did you react when you did wake up?
I am in no way condoning actions, I'm only asking because I find the lines are very blurred on this subject. Someone commented that if you had woke up and responded then thats one thing, i read that as thats ok then? But it's not ok if you didn't want sex when you woke up, which then i presume he would have stopped?
Obviously we weren't there so don't know all the details. My dp wakes me up regularly by having sex with me, which i personally like and find it a huge turn on as it's so passionate but he rarely remembers it even happening and oftens asks why he's woken up naked. I get very confused over the classification of rape and i would never think my dp had raped me because he initiated sex whilst i was asleep, as if i woke up and said no he would stop.

Fliesfliesflies Sun 26-Feb-17 22:02:26

Also want to point out I'm not saying what he did was right at all and I don't want you to think I'm condoning him. He obviously believes himself to have been in the wrong for him to be upset, I hope you are able to process what has happened and deal with it in the way you see is best. You know you're own body and feeling better than anyone else and if this does not sit right with you then trust your gut and act accordingly

HerOtherHalf Sun 26-Feb-17 22:08:12

Others can call it what they choose, I call it rape because that is what it is. Flies, your post disturbs me, not just because you don't get the reality of what is being done to you but also because you are likely to make it harder for the OP to come to terms with the reality of what happened to her. Let's put the word rape to one side for a momemt. There is something monumetally fucked up with a man who thinks it's ok to have sex with an unconcious partner. Why would you want to share your bed or your life with someone like that?

Montane50 Sun 26-Feb-17 22:22:31

Just trying to understand what happened. Its a huge thing to have happened and is totally wrong of him, but when you say unconscious? Were you asleep or unconscious, and forgive me for naive-but surely if you were asleep you'd have woken up the minute he penetrated you?
Awful for you though op

Karmaisabitch Sun 26-Feb-17 22:24:29

Obviously for him to be upset about it means you reacted negatively to it??

Which would constitute as rape.

However, given the fact it wasn't a violent act which had you scared for your life, I understand why processing this is hard for you!

My ex used to "joke" about raping the time I didn't see how disturbing his actions & words were.

PastysPrincess Tue 28-Feb-17 22:34:52

There is no disputing this; the OP was asleep and therefore could not consent. Sex without consent is rape. It does not matter how long it took the OP to wake up; it does not matter how she reacted on waking.

Flies, if you have discussed it with your partner and have agreements in place then that's consent. No such agreement was in place with the OP thats the difference.

scottishdiem Tue 28-Feb-17 22:43:59

Sex without consent is rape.

"He told me at first he thought that i was awake but then he realised that i was asleep but he kept going."

Its one thing to start with intimacy with someone you might think is awake and a body reacts in a way that still says they are into it so you keep going. Its entirely another to then not stop when its clear they are sleep. He even said he kept going. Its rape.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: