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Redundancy, Violence, ADD - should I divorce? Is anyone else out there going through problems with their marriage?

(19 Posts)
Boostbaby Sun 26-Feb-17 10:19:05

I hope there are some other people out there that have some good advice or who are going through the same worries as me. I would so love to hear from you ......

My story is that I married 15 years ago to a kind caring man. He had been married twice before and there were signs of ADD but I chose to ignore them. The years have rolled on and we have two children, 17 and 12 years old.

My relationship with my husband has always been a roller coaster, due to his mood swings but it has slowly been deteriorating over the last few years to the point just before Christmas when it all blew up and he threatened Divorce.

I have always been very anti divorce but his moods are now so erratic that it is hard to find the love. He turned 50 a few years back and was made redundant and found it hard to get another job so I know this has been a massive blow to him BUT he takes his anger out on his family which I just cant put up with much more.

He refuses to go and get help and is aggressive. I had to call the police a few weeks back because he threw me up against a wall, battered me with his shoes and then forced my head back against the wall so hard that I nearly passed out. His hands were so tightly around my neck that I thought I might stop breathing. If it hadnt been for my older son asking what was going on, I shudder to think. He has done this to me before also.

Is anyone else considering divorce? Has anyone else been through the same sort of situation? I would love to hear from you .

PastysPrincess Sun 26-Feb-17 10:27:05

I would like to gently point out to you that this is domestic abuse. I'm really sorry this is happening to you but for your own safety and that of your children you need to end this marriage. Do you have RL support?

fc301 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:27:12

Whatever went before he has tried to kill you (more than once).
You are in a violent relationship and if you stay you are allowing your children to witness it.

Hermonie2016 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:37:03

There are some marriages that don't deserve to stay together and yours is one.
You are being abuses.It will get worse not better.

You owe it to your children to get out.

Boostbaby Sun 26-Feb-17 10:50:03

Thank you so much for your messages. It is really interesting to hear that you think I should leave.

Do you not think that the horrific nature of divorce would cause more upset to the children? He has been married twice before and has said if I divorce him, he's going to play rough so I know whats in store....

PastysPrincess Sun 26-Feb-17 10:53:20

Do you really think divorce will cause more upset than seeing their mother get beaten up by their father

PatriciaHolm Sun 26-Feb-17 10:53:27

Next time he could kill you. You need to get out and quickly.

LillyLollyLandy Sun 26-Feb-17 10:53:29

I think having their mother repeatedly assaulted and possibly murdered would be far more upsetting for the children.

PatriciaHolm Sun 26-Feb-17 10:54:16

Your children will be much much happier without a violent abuser in their lives.

frillyknickers25 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:58:25

He's violent and seems to go unpunished. As a child of a household with domestic violence what I hated the most was not that my parents split up. Not at all. I was happy when my mother finally said no to the beatngs, drinking and womanising that allowed an out of control man to run rampage in the house with no consequences. . What stayed with me were these times where I saw my mother being beaten and then next day we'd behave like nothing happened. It drove me nuts, made me brittle and mistrustful. As for "horrific nature of divorce". All divorces will have element of horror in it. The upset is inevitable. I testified against my father during the divorce proceedings and it gave me a lot of power back and closure. Why? I got that women could fight back and that there were consequences. I assert your children are already upset. Nothing, and I mean nothing terrifies you more than the sight of your primary career being abused. Trust me. I was there.
Call the police. Contact SS. Contact CAB. Contact women"s DV charity for advice. Then get out.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 26-Feb-17 11:00:59

"Do you not think that the horrific nature of divorce would cause more upset to the children"

No. Absolutely not. This person could also end up putting you in hospital or the morgue.

What do you want your children to learn about relationships and just what are they learning here from you both?.

You are all being abused at the hands of this man. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sun 26-Feb-17 11:02:17

This is said with good intention-hands around your throat/neck is one of the biggest signifiers of violent domestic abuse that may lead to murder and the police take very seriously. Were they involved, you didn't say.
Call WA, get all your important documents, get the kids. Get help, get out.

ScrambledSmegs Sun 26-Feb-17 11:04:55

if I divorce him, he's going to play rough so I know whats in store....

That sounds like a threat. He's got form for violently assaulting you, if he gets any more violent he could kill you. Please report him to the police and get him the hell away from you and your kids.

Normandy Sun 26-Feb-17 18:36:43

"Do you not think that the horrific nature of divorce would cause more upset to the children?"

Your children may witness their father murder their mother if you stay. That's far more horrific and causes more upset than their mother gathering her self respect and leaving.

Divorce isn't easy, but you will model so many good things for your children if you leave, not "cause upset"

Normandy Sun 26-Feb-17 18:37:45

Also, imagine how your children will feel as adults if they felt you stayed (and took more beatings/chokings) "for their benefit". They'd be wracked with guilt.

AnyFucker Sun 26-Feb-17 18:38:01

Seriously ?

GirlElephant Sun 26-Feb-17 18:42:06

Your children may view this as normal/acceptable, far more damaging than divorce.

The abuse will get worse. The physical abuse may also spread to your children.

Do not make excuses for this man. Contact Women's Aid, log this with the police & end this relationship

hangingkebab Sun 26-Feb-17 18:42:08

OP I think you are in danger and need to leave. Please contact Women's Aid ASAP.

iremembericod Sun 26-Feb-17 18:51:41

I think you have been brainwashed by the 'sanctity of marriage' bullshit

Why do you for one second that you have to stay married to a person who tries to kill you?

Get the fuck out of there

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