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Is he having Best of both worlds?

(45 Posts)
isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:09:56

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I met my Partner 7 years ago. We have been together ever since and have 2 children.

He cheated on me while I was pregnant and I found out just after our son was born. He assured me it was a dalliance because he was lonely. (Works away during the week)

Now we are 7 years in and he works away during the week. Me and the kids have a great routine with things and when he comes home at the weekend we all have a lovely time. He provides very very well for us and I am lucky to be able to stay at home with the children.

However

When we first got together he told me that his boss who also works away during the week had an arrangement with his wife were he could live like a single man during the week and play the husband at weekend and in return the wife and kids want for nothing.

Although I found nothing suspisious and I know he works long hours when away I can't get that out of my head. Im worried he thinks that's an ok set up and some nights during the week when I'm alone I wonder is he with someone else.

I'm a being silly? How do I deal with these feelings? I just don't know what to say to him about it without starting a holy row.

NapQueen Sun 26-Feb-17 09:12:48

Someone who cheats on their partner is a dick imo. Someone who cheats on their pregnant partner is way way beyond that.

If he could do that to you then, when you arr at your most vulnerable and growing his child, then anything is possible.

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:14:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:15:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:17:49

How would you check up? I think I just don't trust him rather than being suspicious. How do I regrow that trust?

ssd Sun 26-Feb-17 09:20:21

it sounds as if you have traded in your self esteem for a cushy life, money wise

you'll know exactly what he means, your gut instinct will tell you and you'll know if the trade off is worth it

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:21:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:22:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:25:23

I don't know. I have stupidly sacrificed my career to have his kids and yes while outwardly this is a nice life I'm not happy. I have never felt so lonely.

peppatax Sun 26-Feb-17 09:28:22

Oh dear OP - you say partner too, are you not married? The 'want for nothing' agreement would end quite quickly if your relationship disintegrated.

Can you check phones/emails/surprise visit?

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:30:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:31:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:35:05

We are not married. In fact he's still married to his wife. They have been separated for 10 years and have a legal separation in place. I feel like I gave up my job so we could have children. He never had them before. We live in my home town so I have my "friends" round me but couldn't discuss this with any of them. They are SAHM too and think I'm like them and my life is rickety boo too.

NapQueen Sun 26-Feb-17 09:35:54

sad

isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:36:21

God I feel totally shit now! Look at the position I have for myself into. And the only people I can talk to are strangers on the net. This is horrible sad

ssd Sun 26-Feb-17 09:40:37

sounds like these thoughts are nothing new though op

NapQueen Sun 26-Feb-17 09:41:18

Have you seen evidence of his legal separation?

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:42:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Sun 26-Feb-17 09:44:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:49:35

I'm 41 and can't really go back to my original career I would need to do various back to work courses and the hours are not compatible with my life and the kids.

I am volunteering in a special needs setting so could possibly look for paid work there. Again how do I do that with the children. I have a medical degree so maybe I could find something somewhere.

The thing is I do love him and if there is nothing going on then I would feel like I have ruined our relationship.
I think I want him to divorce his wife for starters.

DelphiniumBlue Sun 26-Feb-17 09:52:07

Start stashing away money as soon as you can. Make plans for getting back to work. You need to protect yourself, his wife already has a claim on his assets. He hasn't got divorced so that you can't insist on getting married, his actions show that he is actively trying to dodge financial responsibility for you in the long term. He'll fund you staying at home to look after his children while you do that on his terms.
Whose name is your home in?

NapQueen Sun 26-Feb-17 09:52:38

He ruined the relationship when he cheated on you whilst pregnant. That is what has planted this seed of doubt. You could still choose to leave him because of that. It would be entirely his doing.

ssd Sun 26-Feb-17 09:53:44

you do sound a bit as if you've been living in a bubble op and if that suits you hen fair play to you, you wouldnt be the first woman to trade her life in for something thats easier for her

if you love him, surely you should be able to talk to him about what it is he means?

flumpybear Sun 26-Feb-17 09:57:51

You need to set yourself up so you have a life if he walks or if he is being unfaithful - get yourself either retrained or experienced if your old career isn't possible
I hope this isn't the situation his boss seems to be relishing the dirty masogenistic twat!

isthiswhatiwant Sun 26-Feb-17 09:57:53

Our house is in his name. 😞

Writing this all down is making me feel sick.

I think I am going to ask him to divorce his wife. I really feel awkward living here with him and our children while he is married to someone else.

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