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DH doesn't want to have sex with me anymore

(23 Posts)
timetocall Sun 26-Feb-17 00:29:02

I feel so low right now. As much as I don't want to believe it, DH obviously isn't attracted to me. I'm mid 20s, normal weight and I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I looked or our relationship otherwise.

It's embarrassing. In the last year he's lost total interest in having sex with me. I try to initiate it but he just ignores me. Last night I was really craving some intimacy from him and I had been quiet flirty with him all day (nothing to crazy, just tame flirting). Every effort I put in he just pretended I never even said anything. Anyway, stupidly I thought maybe he hadn't noticed and last night I put on some nice underwear and tried it with him only to be rejected once again.

We just had a bit of an argument and he told me I looked desperate last night because I kept talking about sex. I couldn't even reply to that. I felt embarrassed and began to cry and asked him to leave me to be alone.

Now I don't know what to think. What am I doing wrong? I'm I crap in bed? Is he just not bothered with me? I have tried to talk to him about this before but he just says it because he's tired. I don't understand this as the few times we have had sex in the past 6ish months have been him waking me up in the middle of the night (the next morning he denies it and says he doesn't remember it happening so he must've been asleep).

Any tips on what I can do to be wanted?

Obsidian77 Sun 26-Feb-17 00:39:32

How long have you been together?
It sounds as though there are some issues, but this doesn't mean you aren't desirable, or that there is anything wrong with you.
Him waking you up for sex then pretending not to remember it sounds very odd, is he watching a lot of porn?
In your situation I would consider seeing a counsellor.

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 26-Feb-17 00:43:34

It's a bit weird to call your wife "desperate", I find it a bit of an immature response to you.

I don't think you should be trying to do things to make him want to have sex. I think you should have a serious talk with him about why he's disinterested in sex. If he's genuinely tired he needs to be honest and not be cruel to you and use words like "desperate". Also he should consider ways not to be tired so that isn't so much of an issue. If he can't/won't talk to you honestly and respectfully about this then there are bigger issues to look at.

SandyY2K Sun 26-Feb-17 00:58:39

Is he affectionate with you in other ways?

Do you go out? Have fun and enjoy each other's company?

Could he be having an affair?

Has he always had a low drive?

You're young. Not sure if you have kids, but I would not until this gets sorted out.

My suggestion would be, don't initiate again with him. Invest time in yourself, by going out, socialising, taking up a hobby and living an independent life and be happy while you do so.

Look after yourself... Go to the gym... Keep fit and look good as I'm sure you do.

Give yourself a time line in your mind to see if he initiates with you. If 6 - 12 months pass and nothing happens... You can safely consider the marriage is pretty much over, as far as having a healthy sexual relationship is concerned.

You might also think about taking some time away from the home if possible. Like stay with a friend or relative for a few days break, if you can take a few days off work.

The status quo cannot continue, or he'll erode your self esteem to nothing and you don't deserve that.

Iusedtobedontcall Sun 26-Feb-17 01:01:47

I don't think you need to get fit or go to the gym unless YOU want to. Tell him, I'm not happy, I'd like sex as part of out relationship. If it doesn't change and he won't talk, leave him. Sounds simple, it's difficult to dobtain.

Iusedtobedontcall Sun 26-Feb-17 01:02:02

To do

Mangoandpassionfruit Sun 26-Feb-17 08:22:48

Your story sounds painfully familiar, I stayed in a marriage like this for 17 years, it completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence and led to me seeking external validation in the form of an affair, not something I am proud of. I left two years ago and am only just starting to realise how emotionally abusive this marriage was. Sex is part of a normal healthy marriage unless you both agree otherwise or if there is illness etc. It's soul destroying to be treated like this.

F1GI Sun 26-Feb-17 08:25:12

If you have no kids, get rid of him right away. The sex is one problem, the lack of communication and blaming you for being desperate is a far, far bigger problem.

Obsessedalready Sun 26-Feb-17 08:27:12

Is he into wanking to porn?

I would leave for the 'desperate' comment - how insulting!

Life is too short.

AndShesGone Sun 26-Feb-17 08:28:20

The bottom line is that one of the following is true:

1. Affair
2. Gay
3. Medical reason for low libido/psych reason for low libido
4. Wants to leave
5. Period of stress and taking out anger/resentment on you
6. Fertility stress

In a healthy marriage sex is usual unless of illness or mutually agreed abstinence

If he refuses to talk to you about it I'd suggest couples counselling flowers
He sounds really angry with you/himself

MoreProseccoNow Sun 26-Feb-17 08:47:17

I wonder if he's just checked out of your marriage emotionally? Did you get together very young?

It's not just the lack of sex; the real deal breaker is the lack of communication.

Any decent partner would be open to a sensitive/mature discussion; not name-calling about "desperation".

Please don't let yourself be defined. Y his rejection; work on your confidence & self-esteem.

Depending on whether there are DC, your financial position etc, I would be looking at making a Plan B.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 26-Feb-17 08:55:58

Sex can be used as a form of control. Does he try to control other things you do, OP? Withdrawal of sex and/or affection is a way that some men try to force women into line...and maybe the 'sleep sex' is when he's really horny but doesn't want to give you the upper hand by being seen to back down so gets it on and pretends not to remember...

hareinthemoon Sun 26-Feb-17 09:00:38

Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do, you need to remember that if it's about:

*1. Affair
2. Gay
3. Medical reason for low libido/psych reason for low libido
4. Wants to leave
5. Period of stress and taking out anger/resentment on you
6. Fertility stress*

- or actually about anything else - it isn't about you. Really, it's not about you. Something is going on with him.

Like Mango, I stayed in a largely sexless marriage that sucked my sense of self dry. Because I kept thinking it had something to do with me. Once you accept that you're not making the situation, you can make a decision about what to do that is much more based on what you want.

TheNaze73 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:26:49

I think he's checked out. No communication, no sex = no point

WeAreEternal Sun 26-Feb-17 10:55:29

I think he's checked out. No communication, no sex = no point

100% this.

Sorry op but it doesn't sound good. How is your relationship otherwise?

HeavenlyEyes Sun 26-Feb-17 11:25:29

I dunno why you stay with him as he sounds dreadful! This is not how relationships are meant to be. You are so young - don't waste precious years of your life waiting for the wrong man to want you. Find your self esteem and either be alone or free to meet someone who will treat you nicely.

Topsy44 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:40:12

This happened in my marriage. My DH pretty much had no interest in having sex with me. He had a porn addiction. He used to tell me he was stressed but eventually the truth got found out.

I really feel for you. Being rejected really damages the self esteem but you can recover from it.

timetocall Sun 26-Feb-17 12:42:30

Thanks for everyone's replies. I should have mentioned last night that we have no other issues. We have a 2 year old and he's a great dad. We've been together since I was 17 and I understand that it's normal for relationships to have dry patches but I suppose I just feel a bit weird as it's usually the man that has to be the one looking for sex. I honestly think the world of him and really just want to be close to him.

I'm not sure if he's watching porn but I don't think he'd get much of a chance to. I work from home so it's not like he can have a quick one when he comes home for lunch. But maybe that's naive of me.

I have tried to talk to him on a few occasions and at first he just kept saying he didn't know why he didn't want to have sex. I think the waking me in the middle of the night to have sex is a joke the more I think of it. He can't possibly have no recollection of it in the morning. He seems so with it at the time! I thought maybe he does it as it's less pressure for him during the night but I don't know. I just want an honest conversation with him so I can get to the bottom of it. At least if I knew what was wrong, I could attempt to fix it!

HeavenlyEyes Sun 26-Feb-17 12:50:25

Why do you think this is for you to 'fix'? Surely that is up to him? He refuses to communicate with you as to what the issue is and somehow you believe you can change his behaviour. Can't you see the only one who can change or fix anything is him. And he clearly does not want to. Stop pandering and start standing up for yourself.

SandyY2K Sun 26-Feb-17 12:57:14

If he genuinely has no recollection of sex in the night, then he's a dangerous person to be with. He could wake up and injure you, then claim he can't recall.

If he wakes you up again, just try saying NO. I don't want to do anything you won't remember tomorrow and go back to sleep.

I actually find the claim of not recalling quite Insulting. It's like he can't have sex with you when he's fully conscious. Then add to that calling you desperate. I'm surprised you're not really angry about it. Not just upset.

Fernanie Sun 26-Feb-17 13:02:37

OP, so sorry you're in this situation - I've been there too and it can be soul-destroying. My DH finally told me it was because I was being really disrespectful to him and it was putting him off me. Not saying that's the case for you, but it was true for us, it wasn't just him being a dick. Addressing my own behaviour helped our sex life (though it's still not where I'd like it to be), but what was more useful in terms of making me feel less shit was investing in my body for myself. Going to the gym helped even though I didn't lose any weight at all (!) because it took my own focus off what my body looked like and instead made me appreciate what it could do, especially as my fitness improved. Similarly, doing nice things for myself (pedicure, massage, special moisturiser etc, as budget allowed) reminded me that my body was worth treating nicely, and more importantly that it was within my own control to make it feel good, with or without DH. (Not suggesting that a nice moisturiser is the same as a fulfilling sex life of course!)
It's a really difficult situation because everywhere you hear women complaining that their partners are always begging for it (interestingly, the men are never treated with much sympathy when they're being rejected by their female partners, but that's a discussion for another day grin) and it makes you feel like you're the only one who's partner isn't constantly up for it. It's really demoralising, but a) you're not alone, and b) very often it does get better with time and a few difficult conversations.
flowers for you.

Fernanie Sun 26-Feb-17 13:07:44

re: waking in the night for sex and forgetting it the next morning, my DH and I have both done this to each other. I don't think it's necessarily anything sinister - though we've never actually had sex in this state, just woken eachother with a random grope. I thought this happened to everyone if they were having a raunchy dream blush. (In fact, doesn't even need to be raunchy. I woke him once squeezing his balls during a dream about cleaning the house - sort of killed the mood when I told him I thought I was squeezing the trigger on a spray bottle of Cif!)
Sorry for the wordy replies!

decemberdaze Sun 26-Feb-17 13:29:01

Whatever decision you make OP, judge OH by his actions and not his words. Excuses and promises are meaningless in this kind of situation. I'm betting OH does know the reason for his lack of libido/erectile dysfunction/death grip syndrome, and I'm also betting you are being lied to. Not engaging in addressing the problem is a form of abuse and you should not stand for it.

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