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I don't like what I saw on DH phone

(11 Posts)
snoopersnooperson Sat 25-Feb-17 23:06:10

Ok so straight away I know it's wrong to snoop through someone's phone. I can't help myself and I have done it on and off for the last 12 yrs of our marriage.
First thing I have to say is DH isn't interested in having sex like ever.
We are in our 30s and have two DC.
Sex was amazing at beginning of our relationship (as it is for most folk)
We had our first baby very early in our relationship and as we were still young, our sex life was still good even after DS came along.
After I had second child 7 years later, our sex life died a slow painful death. We went a full 4 years with no sexual contact whatsoever.
This sounds absolutely dreadful, but he still acted like he loved me and was cuddly and affectionate towards me.
After lots of talking and soul searching we managed to get back on track somewhat. The first time we did it again after so long, was awkward and clumsy and resulted in me crying with the realisation of what we've been missing out on.

So fast forward to now and we are having sex about once or twice a month. I would love more but he just doesn't pester me for it like most men do and definitely doesn't ever initiate it with me. He does seem to enjoy it once he gets going though.

Here's the problem though...

I noticed that DH has been looking at porn late at night (times would be after I am in bed). I am not a prude and really don't object to porn overall, BUT, it's the subject that bothers me. He was looking at tranny porn for a while and I found it on the laptop and so was able to confront him as I regularly use the laptop too. I wanted to know why he was looking at men with tits. Was he gay etc? He couldn't offer much of a reason as to why he liked it but promised not to look at it again if it bothered me.
The odd time I get hold of his phone and I regularly see he's looking at porn clips about fucking coworkers. 😳 ??
I think I would let the porn thing go, if I was getting regular intimacy with him, but the fact is, I am not and so It makes me feel pissed off and creeped out that he's downstairs watching porn, maybe even masturbating whilst watching it, when he has a good looking, loving wife who would happily shag him.
And yes, I have told him how much I want/need him, but all I get is reassurance of how much he loves me and how he knows how important sex is in a marriage and how he will try to improve things on his end.
Anyways, I can't tell him I snooped his phone so can't confront about the late night porn watching, but I am pissed and also really wondering about why the whole coworker theme is his preference.
Should I ask him again about the porn and more specifically why coworker theme? Or will it backfire on me because i snooped his phone?

colonelgoldfish Sat 25-Feb-17 23:27:55

Has he mentioned anyone from work? Been acting differently/working late etc?

It could just be a fantasy which has no relation to anyone at work but if he's preferring watching porn to being with you then that's hurtful and something that needs addressing.

Although checking phones isn't right, if it was me I would have to confront him about this and get it out in the open.

It sounds like you really need a frank conversation.

HughLauriesStubble Sun 26-Feb-17 11:36:10

I wouldn't be worried about the subject of the unless it's REALLY questionable (underage etc)

Was he always slow to initiate or is that a new thing? Have you tried initiating more with him? Maybe he just doesn't want to seem like he's pestering you late at night?

HughLauriesStubble Sun 26-Feb-17 11:36:59

Sorry should say porn have no idea why it inserted shock shock

Huskylover1 Sun 26-Feb-17 15:35:23

I'd be tempted to creep downstairs after you've gone to bed, to catch him in the act. I suspect the co-worker theme, is due to him getting a thrill at risque sex (could get caught), rather than him actually fantasising about someone at work.

OnionKnight Sun 26-Feb-17 15:52:16

This is not helpful at all but you'd be surprised at how many straight men find transsexual porn a turn on.

snoopersnooperson Sun 26-Feb-17 16:42:50

Onion when I discovered it, I of course was googling the shit out of "my husband watches tranny porn" and I did find a million posts about this, and lots of men commenting that they are indeed turned on by it as well. So, I did come to the conclusion that maybe it doesn't have anything to do with being gay.

To answer other posters questions, no he hasn't been acting weird or staying out at work late, but he does shift work, so often he's not home at night, so this limits our chances to have sex throughout the month.
He has never had a really high sex drive, but it used to be somewhat normal I would say. He's never been one to be pushy for it, as I said he's actually a really kind and considerate husband, but I don't think he gets why watching porn hurts me when he's not being very proactive with sustaining our sex life. I see it as being too lazy to bother, I think he thinks it is just harmless curiosity.
I have often thought about trying to catch him in the act, so I can confront him without him turning everything back on my for going through his phone.

wherearemymarbles Sun 26-Feb-17 19:57:27

I wonder if your husband developed a porn habit/addiction after your second child, hence the lack of sex and you have only just discovered it? Maybe you should ask him outright.

pallasathena Mon 27-Feb-17 07:29:25

You sound very controlling. "I have often thought about trying to catch him in the act so I can confront him" Is he twelve? Are you his mother?
Look, while I can be very sniffy and contemptuous about anything to do with porn, I don't think I'd handle the situation as you are doing because it will only result in driving the behaviour even further underground.
What you need is a full and frank talk about the 'why', rather than the 'what' and the 'where'. And while you're about it, have a read of Why men love bitches. Its an eyeopener about how the more control women exert, the more men back away and indulge in fantasy sex.

Adora10 Mon 27-Feb-17 13:46:50

No sorry, I'd not be happy or accepting of this; when I am in a relationship there's no porn allowed, we have sex together and that's it; what he is doing is replacing you with fantasies, totally selfish behaviour.

AntiqueSinger Mon 27-Feb-17 14:36:51

Shift work can mess with testosterone levels. Does he excercise in addition work at all? Moderate excercise helps boost testosterone levels and thus sex drive.

But honestly it seems obvious to me that he has a hard time perceiving you as a hot babe. Like he does find you attractive but he's shifted you mentally so you're more 'mother of 2' than screw anywhere anytime ifyswim? Also the stress of responsibility of more children can inhibit sex drive too. But in porn its all pure objectification, so he can get past that. If this is the case I'm not sure he'll be able to get past it. Its awful to constantly want more and not receive it though. I really hope things work out.

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