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AIBU to feel it's pretty selfish to want "alone time" and "sports time" when I get neither?

(44 Posts)
HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 21:35:07

I'm feeling pretty angry at my DH. He is always going on about being an introvert and justifying being bloody grumpy by saying he hasn't had his "alone time". The thing is, I'm an introvert too, and with two kids under 4 I get zero time to myself. He also needs time to exercise in addition to this. Again, I don't get this at all. If I don't go to bed at 9 so he can watch TV alone he gets really pissed off. I'm just feeling pretty unappreciated and like he is being pretty selfish. AIBU?

wobblywonderwoman Sat 25-Feb-17 21:39:09

You have to go to bed to he gets alone time? I would send him to bed to be honest.

On Saturday morning just get up and out and leave him to it to do your own thing. flowers

LemonRedwood Sat 25-Feb-17 21:41:18

No, you're not. He sounds like a selfish prick. Does he ever look after the children?

mumonashoestring Sat 25-Feb-17 21:45:45

He's given you a bedtime? shock

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 21:45:48

He is good with the kids and if asked he will look after them but he isn't exactly gracious about it. I'd just once like him to see things from my point of view. I've been worried he's stressed and anxious for a long time so put up with a lot. But I'm feeling pretty angry right now. Something's snapped!

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 21:47:22

The bedtime is always dressed up as concern that I'm tired.

mumonashoestring Sat 25-Feb-17 21:49:11

I'd be tired too if I never got a minute to myself. To be honest it sounds like he's had it all his own way for too long and got used to it - with two kids he needs to recalibrate his ideas on how much 'me' time is realistic, and make sure you're both getting the same.

AndShesGone Sat 25-Feb-17 21:52:15

Jerking off in front of the tv?

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 21:52:22

I think you're right mumonashoestring, it needs to be equal, and we've got into a strange dynamic. I think partly because I'm a sahm.

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 21:53:58

AndShesGone I don't think so, I can usually hear him giggling at some American comedy show.

pseudonymph Sat 25-Feb-17 22:01:08

Well, to be fair, if you both want alone time, spending some time in different rooms in the evening sounds like a good plan. I couldn't be doing with the grumpiness though, and the none graciousness about looking after his children, nor with the exercise without giving you reciprocal time out of the house.

Quartz2208 Sat 25-Feb-17 22:04:12

No he sounds horrible and is treating you like a child

LiveLifeWithPassion Sat 25-Feb-17 22:05:40

You both obviously need some space and alone time. Sit down together and negotiate time slots for both of you.
you'll both know what's expected then.

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 22:07:37

Good point pseudonymph, I guess I do feel a little hurt that we can't have some time together alone. To be honest I'm wishing I hadn't started this thread as I don't want to face up to how screwed up things are. We're not even sleeping in the same room as I'm Breastfeeding and cosleeping and he's a light sleeper.

ScrapThatThen Sat 25-Feb-17 22:08:27

He seems to expect his needs to be prioritised. Think equal and don't pick up his slack or do his emotional work.

MajesticWhine Sat 25-Feb-17 22:13:02

This is outrageous. Sorry. You need a serious talk.

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 22:21:49

Thanks for all your advice. It's really helped to get it down on paper.

RedastheRose Sat 25-Feb-17 22:33:46

Please don't let him use the 'I'm depressed' excuse. Take a stand now and insist that he treats you fairly, get an agreement about what is fair, ie if he has exercise time you have the same amount of time out of the house to your thing, if he wants alone time then you alternate so he goes to bed at 9 one day you the next. I spent at least 6 years making allowances for an EA git because I thought he was depressed, he wasn't he was just selfish and wanted his own way over everything and blamed me for everything that was wrong with his life til I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I couldn't ask him to do anything because I was a sahm and he 'worked all week' so had to be able to do whatever wanted whenever he wanted.

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 22:42:58

RedastheRose, thanks. I think he's depressed but he always insists he's just stressed. He is this strange mix of trying to be Superdad and then being resentful about it and getting grumpy, then claiming he gets no alone time. It's really confusing tbh. The common thing through it all is not stopping to think about me in all this. I think he just sees me as demanding.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 25-Feb-17 23:09:58

The fact you're in different rooms and the he doesn't want you spending the evening with him tet for to laugh at actors in the TV would really hurt.

I would lay it on the line .

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 23:19:09

When I've tried to have a serious talk with him he accuses me of always threatening to leave him, undermining the relationship. Once, when I suggested marriage counseling he had a panic attack. Ultimatums just seem to make it worse.

SpiritedLondon Sat 25-Feb-17 23:20:26

Everyone's entitled to some "alone" time, especially if you're at home with small children a lot of the time. Do you have an event or a club / class that you would like to do? I would do some research on what you would like to do and calmly state that you want to do these activities and would like to discuss arrangements for the childcare while you do them. Clearly you can agree time which is equitable but I wouldn't be asking permission but stating it as a fact. I would also say that if he wants to watch TV alone every night that 1) you do / do not consider it acceptable ( depending on your view) or you're prepared to do it " x" number of nights a week but not every night. If he insists then he needs to work out another place for a aTV so you're not driven out of the sitting room. I'm sure you can clarify that you're an adult who does not need to have your bedtimes managed like a child. My final thought was to whether you DC can claim their free nursery places yet. Once they both go you'll hopefully have a little more time to yourself and to re-calibrate but in the meantime you need to take back some control.

RedastheRose Sat 25-Feb-17 23:20:51

Stressed or depressed he should still be able to see that he is being unfair to you. Have a sit down and talk about how to make life better for both of you and get some agreement on making things fairer for you by setting up individual evenings out and then arranging a date night once a fortnight. If he wants alone time then alternate like I said before. If he won't agree to anything then you have bigger problems, a marriage is supposed to benefit both parties not just one.

RedastheRose Sat 25-Feb-17 23:23:36

Tara that is manipulative behaviour and classed as emotional abuse. He is stopping you being able to express yourself and shutting you down with unfounded accusations.

HoldenCaulfieldsmum Sat 25-Feb-17 23:27:07

I think pinning it down to specifics like that is a really helpful suggestion. My littlest won't be starting playschool for a while but things will gradually get easier as he gets less dependent on me. At the moment I'm the only one who can settle him to sleep and he wakes a lot. It's a bit of a mess, isn't it...

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