Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What would you think of this person?

(31 Posts)
fivetowine Sat 25-Feb-17 20:38:44

What would you think of a person that had repeatedly cheated in different relationships?
What if they had abandoned their own child?
If they had also been to court a couple of times for theft including stealing from work?
Can people like this change?

ParisGellar Sat 25-Feb-17 20:40:08

I'd steer well clear.

BantyCustards Sat 25-Feb-17 20:40:51

There aren't enough 10ft barge poles to put between yourself and this person.

fivetowine Sat 25-Feb-17 20:43:02

I will never have anything to do with this person again. But I was involved. Without knowing the facts. Now I know.

Greaterexpectations Sat 25-Feb-17 20:43:05

No I wouldn't think they could, or not unless they take full responsibility for their actions, decide that they really want to change and probably also seek professional help.

pallasathena Sat 25-Feb-17 20:44:00

Abandoning a child is a deal - breaker. Totally.
Repeatedly cheating? Leopards don't change those particular spots.
And a thief too?
No. No. No.
Just no. Don't get into a relationship with this person unless you're a serial masochist.
Or a fool.

fivetowine Sat 25-Feb-17 20:50:50

I'm not planning a relationship with him. I hope and pray I never set eyes on the bastard ever again for as long as I live.
I was in a relationship with him until he cheated and all the skeletons came tumbling out of the wardrobe.

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato Sat 25-Feb-17 20:52:41

If this person had changed they'd have been very up front about their past, worked hard to make reparations and done some serious 'work on themselves'. Even then I'd be seriously wary and if they didn't have on-going support in place I wouldn't put any real faith in them not relapsing, for want of a better word, in times of stress.

I believe people can change, but it's not easy and most don't bother.

youcantgettome Sat 25-Feb-17 20:56:32

Abandoning your child is a deal breaker for me---why ? Cause it shows their level of non commitment. Also if he can abandoned that child he is very likely to abandon your future kids.

Serial cheater ? Why bother

Thief ? Courts , police, prison -- just unnecessary drama.

youcantgettome Sat 25-Feb-17 20:57:16

Don't know why the majority of my post is underlined. That wasn't intended.

highinthesky Sat 25-Feb-17 20:58:29

Red flags abound.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

jeaux90 Sat 25-Feb-17 21:06:10

No not ever. They never change. You just described my ex. He hasn't changed at all.

fivetowine Sat 25-Feb-17 21:21:47

We don't have future kids nor were we ever planning to have any.
I'm trying not to give too much away, as I hope there are not too many people around with the same MO and it's identifying.
I don't think he will change nor does he even want to.
I just wonder how long a person like this can keep repeating the same pattern of getting into relationships or having kids with people then either just leaving or cheating.

jeaux90 Sat 25-Feb-17 21:49:14

So far my ex has done it 3 times (4 kids, 3 women) and on top of that he's a skanky piece of work, high functioning narc. They don't change no.

pictish Sat 25-Feb-17 21:51:09

I suppose I'd think they were someone to be wary of in general and not someone I would choose to become close to.

youcantgettome Sat 25-Feb-17 21:55:55

My friend married a serial cheater (cheated on his past exs and her multiple times) she is paying the price and she filed for divorce (they've only been married for two years, though good for her).

Bumblebiscuits Sat 25-Feb-17 22:17:04

Looking back OP, is there anything about this person that would have been a red flag? E.g. All previous partners were nut jobs. Love bombing at first and then occasionally negging you. Maybe, being evasive about their past. Never taking responsibility for anything (always got a reason why it didn't work out/wasn't their fault). I'm always drawn to narcs (mother was one), so I have to look out for narc behaviour as counter intuitively I'm attracted to them (not just as partners but as friends/colleagues/bosses etc). Always good idea to be forearmed.

I do believe people can change but the very first step has to be an ability to take responsibility for past behaviour. If they're not doing that, and being honest about their weaknesses, there's no hope for change, imo.

fivetowine Sat 25-Feb-17 22:44:13

Bumble yes there were red flags. I didn't know what love bombing was then but I rocognise that's what it was now.
He did put down his exs but not in a nasty way just matter of fact really, I didn't see it as a red flag and still don't look back on it as one of the things I might have noticed as a tell, it's not one of the many things I kick myself for.
There were some strange lies, but almost so strange that you believe them. I now know almost everything he said was a lie, from the reason he broke up with his exs to why he'd changed jobs. To things just made up out of thin air.
I don't think he's a narc, I think he's a sociopath. Obviously I can't diagnose him but that's an educated guess.
The relationship moved quickly which I now know is a red flag, I guess I was caught up in it, the love bombing and the charm.
I'm number 4, he's repeating the same pattern with 5 already.

Ellisandra Sat 25-Feb-17 22:46:56

You ask how long it can go on for... for as long as he wants it to, forever, sadly.

fivetowine Sun 26-Feb-17 10:35:06

Do people close to them not think? They just seem to be watching him destroy people then condoning it when he moves onto the next one. How many engagment parties or births would you attend before questioning this persons motive or wondering what's wrong with them?

fc301 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:39:10

Some people can change. But personality transplants have not yet been invented.
💐

Notwhatiexpected Sun 26-Feb-17 10:44:28

No lovely, but I bet he can do a good enough thing impression just to keep you hopeful and useful. Until you wise up to him, then join the long list of people he has cheated, but in his stories he will make out that he is the victim.

And why do people go to his engagement parties etc? Because people like drama, they like going home and talking about him and his latest squeeze, because it makes them feel better about them selves, superior. And because he has to have a modicum of charm to have gotten this far.

fivetowine Sun 26-Feb-17 10:50:27

I have wised up to him. The only thing I'm hopeful for is that I never see his lying scum face ever again.
I'm already number 4 in that list, he's now onto number 5, his affair partner.
Yes he is very charming.

debbs77 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:56:24

The love bombing and moving fast has really struck a chord with me. Never even thought about it until now! I was also number 4, moved in within 4 months and pregnant within 6. We last 2 babies and five years together before I ended it.

And funnily enough, being in a new relationship and NOT being love bombed makes me feel there is something wrong!

SeaEagleFeather Sun 26-Feb-17 11:21:54

Do people close to them not think?

this is the one that gets to me. yes people see what's going on, and they just condone it. It just lets the toxic person get away with more.

The only way some people can even begin to see the need to change their behaviour is if there are negative consequences to them. That means people not condoning their behaviour.

But they do. Family, friends, colleagues still chat and ignore the damage the person's done.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now