Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure what to do now

(39 Posts)
emotionalgutpunch Sat 25-Feb-17 12:22:26

I've name changed for this as I'm not sure if it's identifying. And sorry it's really long...

So for background, my DP and I have been going through a rough patch, not arguing or anything, but just not engaging with one another and basically avoiding each other. I'm pregnant and I've had horrible nausea which has been really quite debilitating for about 4 weeks now, I'm signed off work and I'm struggling. The struggle isn't helped by the fact that I am vomit phobic which has in the past made life very difficult with the resulting anxiety battle. I have been, for years now, fully on top of my anxiety and take a small dose of medication. This was discussed at length with my dr and midwife, both feel that this is fine for my pregnancy.

DP is struggling with the fact that I'm largely out of action, at the moment I'm focussed on getting through the day and this doesn't often include room for going out because I feel constantly sick and it's exhausting. I've accepted the fact that this won't last forever, it's just for this first bit. DP says my morning sickness is boring and in fact, as of last night, my whole pregnancy is boring.

He has two children from a previous relationship and they are with us on the weekends. We have a very stable family life and routine for the kids on the weekends and I muck in and do my share, the kids like me, we have a good relationship.

Last night, he came home with the kids in a funny mood (he maintains this is a lie), he goes to start dinner, kids go upstairs, I'm in the lounge. Kids start fighting, one starts crying. DP is up to his elbows in raw chicken so I go upstairs to referee (not unusual, to be honest it's usually me). Get the measure of the situation and sort it. Panic over, I go to go back downstairs and DP is standing at the bottom and starts telling me to leave them alone and stop shouting at them - I didn't raise my voice at all - and that he can't deal with it because he's 'stuck making dinner'. I tell him it's fine, I dealt with it, didn't shout, told him what happened, DP was not satisfied with this and thinks I just went up there to have a go. I walk away so as not to cause an argument. Same again at dinner, he starts telling me off for telling the children to sit down and wait for their afters instead of running around the kitchen like lunatics, no different to anything I would have said any other day in the same situation. So again I walk away.

Later in the evening he comes into the lounge and I get 'what's wrong with you?' And I tell him, nothing, but you've had a funny attitude towards me and the kids this evening and I don't appreciate you telling me off for normal things in front of the children. And then comes the argument, he tells me I'm a lunatic and he can't live like this anymore, that my anxiety is out of control and I'm crazy. I try to explain that my anxiety is fine and managed, I'm struggling with morning sickness and he is being very rude and mean. He strops out of the room, comes back 5 minutes later, still going on about my anxiety ruining his life and how I do nothing. He has a problem with the fact I'm on medication which far predates this pregnancy and he has a horrible habit of telling everyone about it, which is not his place, he did it this week so during the conversation I say to him 'it's not your place or your business to tell people about my medication, if I need to tell them I will' and then he explodes.

And this is the bit that really got me, the rest I can deal with. He stands up and shouts at me something along the lines of 'not my business?! You killed our last two babies because of your anxiety and now your going to go ahead and kill this one!' To which I looked shocked and disgusted and he continued 'go ahead and run to mummy and tell her' and flounced out of the room.

I've had two miscarriages in the past year. Neither of which had anything to do with my anxiety. One was a blighted ovum and the other a MMC which was put down to chromosomal abnormality.

But he carried on to tell me that all the drs have told him that it was my anxiety that did it. Which is utter utter crap. Needless to say I was devastated last night, I struggled to come to terms with the MMC and blamed myself for months, he knows this.

And today, he's acting as though nothing is wrong and I'm unreasonable for not wanting him anywhere near me. We were supposed to go to a family birthday this afternoon but I have no intention of going now, I'm thinking of going to stay with my parents. Not that I can tell them why because they'd be so angry.

So now I'm pregnant, hopefully, if I haven't 'killed this one too' and can't stand the sight of the father. What a mess. Anyone have any idea where I go from here?

Nanny0gg Sat 25-Feb-17 12:26:48

You can tell them why and let them be angry.

Then let them help you plan what you want/need to do.

What he said to you was beyond unforgivable. I'm really sorry but I don't know how you could bear to look at him ever again.

How did he treat the mother of his other children?

Nanny0gg Sat 25-Feb-17 12:27:35

Whose house do you live in? Rented/owned? Is it in joint names?

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sat 25-Feb-17 12:34:28

I agree that you should tell your parents and let them get angry enough to help you find a way out of this. It sounds to me like your partner is trying to pick a fight/find an excuse to leave anyway.

emotionalgutpunch Sat 25-Feb-17 12:44:18

Thanks for responding guys, the house is jointly owned, but luckily sold at this moment in time.

I just feel really deflated, I never wanted to be a single mother, this wasn't the plan.

How does someone who is supposed to love you say something like that and then act like nothing happened? When I walked away from him, in floods of tears he said 'oh what so now you're going to be in a strop all evening?'. I would never dream of saying something to him that would hurt him, let alone hurt him that deeply.

VladmirsPoutine Sat 25-Feb-17 12:51:04

How long have you been together? What's your relationship like with his DC?

I'm so sorry for your previous losses and I can assure you that it is not you who 'killed' (which is frankly a ridiculous term to use) those babies.

The way he is behaving is out of line. He's showing no respect or care or empathy toward you. This could very well escalate once the baby arrives and you need him to be on deck.

What happens when you broach this with him? Or is it a case that you haven't had the opportunity?

WannaBe Sat 25-Feb-17 13:05:34

Go to your parents and tell them everything. Let them get angry, they have every reason to.

I'm not usually of the LTB persuasion but there is nothing to be gained by staying with a man who treats the mother of his child like that. What he said was unforgivable and I couldn't come back from it.

If you've sold the house then I seriously wouldn't be moving anywhere with him. And I'd even be considering whether to put his name on the birth certificate.

Esoteric Sat 25-Feb-17 13:16:45

I have been married 20 years to someone who has these kind of episodes, I'm going to be honest , in my experience it gets worse, it's just in their nature, I wish I had walked when my son was much younger, I now feel somewhat stuck even though it's now just us, no real assets, work together , and a great deal of shared history , please don't put up with this kind of very unkind stuff,

SaltySeaDog72 Sat 25-Feb-17 13:52:29

OP how horrific, I'm so sorry you've been subjected to this horrific episode. I'm sorry but I just can't see how your relationship could or should come back from this. What a disgusting way to treat you. Sounds as though he has a longstanding history of not respecting you (making a habit of telling people about your mental health despite your very reasonable objection) and now his treatment of you is taking on a whole new dimension now that you are pregnant. It's not uncommon.

He's told you who he is and the best thing you can do for yourself and your precious baby is walk away from him right now.

I could not bear to look at him after this. FWIW you sound absolutely lovely. I'm so sorry about your losses. Please go to your parents and tell them exactly what happened. You need them to help you.


SaltySeaDog72 Sat 25-Feb-17 13:53:45

He is showing you contempt.

When it gets to this stage the relationship is beyond salvaging.

I'm sorry OP.

AllTheLight Sat 25-Feb-17 14:13:34

OP, this is horrendous. I can't believe he said that to you sad

ShuttyTown Sat 25-Feb-17 15:22:47

Oh my goodness OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of your pregnancy. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me, I could never ever forgive that he said I'd killed two babies. I've had a MC and you blame yourself enough without the person you love blaming you too. You don't need poison like this in your or your child's life. Go to your parents and be around people who love and care for you as this man clearly doesn't. flowersflowers

GettingScaredNow Sat 25-Feb-17 15:52:31

Massive massive hugs for you.
What a cunt (I save that word for special occasions/men)

I never planned on being a single mum but I am. To 2 young dc.
It's better.

That man doesn't love you or respect you.
Abuse nearly always starts during pregnancy. He has shown his true thoughts and feelings.

I agree with everyone else. Tell your parents. Why keep it a secret? To protect them? They are grown ups, they don't need to be protected from the secret that is their daughter is in an abusive relationship.

So sorry, this is happening to you. You did deserve those comments. He's a cunt.
Please see this for the giant red flag it is and get out now.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 25-Feb-17 15:53:27

If it was me I would leave him, tell him I had mc again and walk way forever. . What sort of man says that sort of abusive stuff??

GettingScaredNow Sat 25-Feb-17 15:56:52

Just to add.
My DD was twins. During an argument in early pregnancy (around 11 weeks) with my husband he shoved me and I hit the floor belly first. At the next scan (12.5 weeks) only one baby had a pulse.

He maintains this was my 'fault'. Not purposeful but still - MY fault. Why?
Cos he's a cunt.

emotionalgutpunch Sat 25-Feb-17 16:07:59

Oh my god gettingscarednow that's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry! Thank you all for all the words of advice. My parents live over an hour away and I feel really unwell today so I didn't feel comfortable driving. I called them and spoke to them at length (DP is out with the kids at previously mentioned birthday so) they've said I'm welcome there whenever and we have discussed various plans of action. The reason I was worried about telling them is that they're fiercely protective and are very 'no nonsense' in attitude and I didn't want to make the situation worse by them wading in and giving my DP several pieces of their mind, at least not yet anyway. But they've promised to keep a lid on their rage for now!

For this evening I'm going to keep myself to myself and avoid further conflict, hoping to feel better tomorrow and if so will go to my parents'. There's a lot to think about, leaving would involve moving back to my home town which would leave me jobless and who is going to employ a pregnant lady?! I only moved to where I live now for DP and the kids and don't really have any friends here that aren't his too and I have no family here, so living here alone isn't really an option for me.

My parents suggested that if I decide not to leave straight away to go to counselling, not sure there's anything left to salvage, as previous posters have said, but is this a realistic option? Does anyone have any experience with counselling, positive or negative?

SaltySeaDog72 Sat 25-Feb-17 16:24:17

Counselling is for relationship dynamics.

It will not deal with his underlying abusive values and this is why he is abusive.

While you are biding your time please read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft

BantyCustards Sat 25-Feb-17 16:33:46

My ex 'D'p said some pretty awful things when we first found out I was pregnant (didn't know if he wanted me to stay, didn't want the government chasing him for money for the next 18 years etc etc) After our daughter was born things got worse, I spent 18 months not responding brilliantly to it and sank into a very bad depression at which point he ramped it up even more blaming my behaviour for saying such awful things to me. If ultimately ended up with myself and my children being left homeless.

Get out now.

EweAreHere Sat 25-Feb-17 16:39:21

Oh honey. He is vile.

You are not safe with this man.

Emmageddon Sat 25-Feb-17 16:48:51

Go to your parents, tell them everything, and don't go back to this man. Your joint property is sold, draw a line under the relationship, and go forward alone, as a single mother, with the support of people who love you. He sounds abominable, an utter bastard, and you are worth more than this, so much more. Don't ever let a man talk to you, or about you, in the way this man has. How dare he tell other people about your anxiety medication ffs?

I'd give the counselling a swerve, if it's counselling to try and repair your relationship. Counselling to boost your self-esteem and address your anxiety may be worthwhile one day.

Don't worry about being unemployed, not at the moment, get yourself through the pregnancy first and when your baby is here, then look at your options.


GettingScaredNow Sat 25-Feb-17 16:51:29

Don't do counselling. He's shown his true colours. Counselling will only give him further insight into how to abuse you. Mentally.

Is this a deal breaker what he has said?
It would be for me, now. It took me years to break out though.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sat 25-Feb-17 17:08:11

If you think that counselling might help you on your own, then go.It might help to sort things out in your head. But not with him, couples counselling can only make your situation worse.

emotionalgutpunch Sat 25-Feb-17 18:29:59

So he's just got back from his afternoon out and wouldn't leave me alone until I told him why I'm still mad at him. So I told him.

He's denying he ever said that I killed the babies and acting like he's mortally wounded that I would 'make that up and tell people to get sympathy' I.e my parents. He's also accused me of using him to get pregnant. Because this situation was always my goal, leaving my job, going home to live with my mother at nearly 30, knocked up, unemployed and alone - sounds a fucking treat!

He's lying about not remembering right? Or can someone actually get amnesia and rewrite what they said and truly believe their own bullshit?

mumonashoestring Sat 25-Feb-17 18:35:26

Yes he's lying - it's called gaslighting, trying to make you doubt yourself and further increase his hold on you as you're 'clearly unstable' or some such crap. Don't give him any more chances to damage you, from what you've described here he's a seriously nasty piece of work.

AllTheLight Sat 25-Feb-17 18:42:06

This is awful abusive behaviour OP. Of course he hasn't got amnesia sad I can't believe he's trying to blame you here. He's a nasty, nasty man.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: