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Help! Don't know what to do!

(13 Posts)
crumpetsandcoffee Sat 25-Feb-17 10:31:40

Hi all, have NC for this as possibly identifying.

Exp and I split up 3 years ago. All very amicable for the first 3/4 months. Regular maintenance and regular contact visits with the DC. This changed when he met a new partner and lost his job. Obviously he could no longer afford maintenance but contact stopped as well. Ex gets a new job and pays maintenance for 4 weeks and sees the children twice in that time. Splits from new gf gets a new place. Still contact via text but no mention of seeing the dc.

13 months down the line he wants to see the dc so comes and picks them up (lives 150 miles away but drives and has a car) has them down for a few days and all is well, has really missed them etc and wants to see them more often. I agree as I would never stop them seeing their father! That was 6 months ago and he has made no effort to see them in that time. Never phones to speak to them and never even phoned or text at xmas or new year!

Last Saturday night was coming home on the train with my dd and she gets a text asking if she would "do the honour of being his bridesmaid" Now we knew he was seeing someone but only for a couple of months so this was a shock to her. After we discussed it she said she didn't really want to for various reasons but was too scared to tell her dad. So I did. I also said I was saying no as well as he's seen them three times since January 2015 and had no relationship with them. My son found out in Facebook!

Since then he has phoned both children trying to talk them into to attending the wedding etc even though he never phones them any other time!

I suppose I'm asking WIBU so say no way are they going unless things make a drastic change between now and the wedding (which is nearly two years away anyway) me and the kids plod along fine then he pops up promising the earth and never follows through. I just wish it was all or nothing

Dd is 11 And ds is 14

crumpetsandcoffee Sat 25-Feb-17 10:33:48

Sorry that was long! Also ex was EA to me and to the dc (although not as bad) and I feel he's trying to guilt trip them into going!

MrsandMrsSmith Sat 25-Feb-17 10:39:08

They are old enough to make the decision themselves. If he were to go down a legal route he would also be told this.

Anyway, with it being 2 years away and him getting engaged so early in the relationship maybe there won't be a wedding.

Tell him no decision needs to be made until at least 6 months before the date.

Lilacpink40 Sat 25-Feb-17 10:44:48

Given their ages, DCs will need to talk to a lot of family and friends and make their own decisions in their own time. You have done the right thing by providing stability and now by reflecting on what is best for them, particularly as he sounds worse than useless. Still DC's decision to make.

PaterPower Sat 25-Feb-17 10:48:38

I just don't understand parents that do this.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to say no where things are like they are right now. He should be making an effort to build the relationship up again before asking / expecting your dd to be a bridesmaid.

crumpetsandcoffee Sat 25-Feb-17 10:51:32

Thanks for replies. That's all I want really is for him to build a relationship with their dad. I've asked both kids what they want to day and ds said he wanted nothing to go with it but when dad asks he says he doesn't know! I think they are a bit frightened to tell him the truth!

They have no contact with any of his family (no my doing but they stopped contact soon after we split)

GirlElephant Sat 25-Feb-17 10:52:52

I think it's best for the kids to say they will discuss is nearer the time. Two years is a long time and they may manage to rebuild the relationship if he makes an effort with Day to day life.

Currently they have little relationship so it sounds like he wants "props" to pretend they are a perfect family. Sad really.

It's good your children are speaking to you about it and opening up

crumpetsandcoffee Sat 25-Feb-17 10:54:00

Also I doubt he would go down the legal route!
1. Would cost too much

2. He done some terrible things when we were together (leaving then alone all night while I was working to conduct his affair) that don't know about this though thank god as they were much younger! 2008/2009

Lilacpink40 Sat 25-Feb-17 10:54:20

Ball is in his court - he needs to show by actions that he wants to see them. If he doesn't they'll clearly chose not to see him back. They may need time to be honest on their decisions to him.

Try to step back and see what happens.

crumpetsandcoffee Sat 25-Feb-17 11:06:20

Elephant that was exactly what said! Makes him look good! The purpose of one of the ode three trips down was a funeral!

Takfish89 Sat 25-Feb-17 11:30:03

Goodness what a horrible man. It sounds like you are a fantastic mum who offers stability and love to your children. I agree with others who say you don't really need to push anyone on a decision now. Simply say it will be discussed closer to the time. He is obviously incredibly focused on his own needs and nothing else matters. I would be reinforcing the message that this is your children's decision and not one that they need to make immediately. I'm so sorry you have to navigate this thorny situation.

Vegansnake Sat 25-Feb-17 12:00:16

You do know what to do...and you've just done it's you said NO..just what I would be doing in same situation

crumpetsandcoffee Sat 25-Feb-17 12:14:33

Thanks talk that's kinda what I've said to the kids

Vegan yeah I've said no but starting to doubt it's the right decision. I think for now it is

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