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My partner and I are at breaking point

(11 Posts)
Whattodonowmassivelyconfused Sat 25-Feb-17 01:27:13

So I've name changed. Not spoken to anyone about how I'm feeling, just need to get some stuff out.
I've been with my dp for 7 years. We have a 6mo. He's always been bad with money (running up debts etc). He is also one of those once I'm out drinking I'm out men. Can't just have one.
I thought we were on track with money and when dd was 8 weeks old I found he had a secret credit card. Since then I've found he has another one.
He's gone out tonight. I'm ill, baby is ill. I've had to resettle baby three times already. He said it was just for a couple and he's still out. He works away during the week so I've been by myself since Monday. I just feel so alone and hopeless. I tried to ask him not to go out and he said I was being controlling.
Everything at the moment leads to arguments. I'm so unhappy. I feel like I'm doing this alone.
I think I have postnatal depression. I feel like I'm loosing the plot. He tells me I'm just mental. That I cause the problems and he's sick of me moaning when I try and talk about anything.
I don't actually know how to leave. I'm on mat leave with no money of my own. Everyone thinks he's wonderful and I'm really at the point where I don't know if it's me or if it's him. I get that he needs a social life but I need some support too. This is a bit rambly. Sorry.

chatnanny Sat 25-Feb-17 01:30:24

Didn't want to read and run. Would he consider going to counselling with you?

Whattodonowmassivelyconfused Sat 25-Feb-17 01:32:19

It's been suggested. He's agreed but then said it's a waste of money and that we shouldn't be spending money on that when we have so much other stuff to pay for. I think I really need to insist we go though as every weekend feels the same with the same arguments.

whatyawant Sat 25-Feb-17 01:46:02

I wouldn't even bother with counselling.

He works away during the week, you and baby are ill and he's fucked off out? He should be helping you and wanting to spend time with you both.

You probably feel like shit because he is a complete dickhead. Your not controlling that's his way of just getting you to drop it so he can piss off out.

He's shit with money, works away comes home then pisses off out, what else is he like? What do you get from this relationship?

He tells you your mental? Your not. He sounds like an abusive arsehole do not let him get into your head with his shitty words to make you doubt yourself!

Honestly sounds like you'd be much happier out of it. He works away an you do everything on your own anyway.

It is shit relying on a man financially, but you don't have to, have a look on the entitledto website.

Is this the house in your name or both?

UnbornMortificado Sat 25-Feb-17 01:48:56

* He tells me I'm just mental.*

That is not on at all, I'd bet money at least some of your poor mood is down to him being a wanker.

If you are worried about PND please see your GP it can be treated flowers

Patchouli666 Sat 25-Feb-17 11:25:02

my hubby works abroad a lot. When he is home he wants to be with me, not out drinking with mates. None of his mates want to be out on their own without their wives either. I can not understand why he is preferring to go out when he has the chance to see you and his baby. Doesn't sound like a keeper to me. You are pretty much a single mum anyway, what adjustment will you need to do to leave him? None! You deserve to be happier than this.

BeMorePanda Sun 26-Feb-17 08:33:06

Op it's not you it's him!

You aren't married and his debts are his concern.

You will find life a lot easier and more pleasant as a single parent without this waste of space grinding you down and telling you you are mental.

He is very selfish and uncaring at best and is possibly also abusive and gas lighting you.

tribpot Sun 26-Feb-17 08:46:50

then said it's a waste of money and that we shouldn't be spending money on that when we have so much other stuff to pay for
Like his drinking?

He doesn't seem to mind wasting money on booze. He doesn't want to do counselling because it doesn't benefit him - this set-up suits him fine, why would he change it when it would mean him stepping up and taking some responsibility for once?

You're not mental, and you're not controlling. He's just a waste of space and of your time. Can you talk to your parents, or friends, and start the process of leaving? When are you due to go back to work?

FriendofBill Sun 26-Feb-17 08:51:05

Sounds like he has a drinking problem.
And yes to everything whatyawant said.

NoChocolateThanks Sun 26-Feb-17 09:11:34

You have my deepest sympathies ,OP.It sounds so much like my DH.
I want him out so much,but pretty much have same situation like you,no money on my own,no one around for help/support,I feel really lonely.
If you feel low ,please go to your GP/counselling,just talk to someone,that will definitely help.I had my fair share of living with PND/anxiety,I was convinced it's all me that's the problem until I realised that's actually result of living with toxic twat.
It is so hard to live with narcisst(and I only realised that and put the name on it in the last couple of months,after being with DH for 15 years),it makes your life a real struggle,it's so so hard.
Please,make your daughter and yourself priority from now on,get the strength and do what's the best for you both.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 26-Feb-17 09:38:36

Its not you, its him. He's also not above projecting onto you either; he is the one that is actually controlling and is disordered of thinking.

Why are you and he together at all?. What do you get out of this?.

Do not do any form of joint counselling with him under any circumstances.

Abusive men can often appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world; they however, have not seen the reality of living with him like you have. Your child and you are both unwell and he has gone out!. That shows exactly how little he thinks of you both.

Time to end this sham of a relationship now before you waste any more time on it.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Your 6 month old cannot afford to grow up within such a household thinking that all this is normal.

There is always a way out and Womens Aid can also help you gather yourself together to leave.

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