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Is it ever NOT an OW?

(68 Posts)
KindaMagicista Sat 25-Feb-17 01:17:33

If he says 'I don't love you anymore'?
Been having problems for a while with DH, lack of intimacy and affection which has been an issue for a long time but I thought that was porn addiction, he went to therapy about that last year.

He told me recently that he doesn't love me any more. I am absolutely distraught by this. He says he doesn't fancy me. He has been under a huge amount of stress for the last 6 months at work and I've put a lot of it down to that. This has devastated me, he said he was going to move out if I wanted him to but I've said I want us to fight for us. I still love him so much.

He has agreed to go to counselling and says he wants to save our relationship. We have 3 kids and I want to save this.

I've been on here long enough to know the script but I don't know if I'm projecting or if it really is how stressed he has been, and that I'm just paranoid.

We have I thought a good relationship, we are equal, we have a laugh, I thought we were ok, though we've had a tough few years with one thing and another.

I am keeping it together just but he won't talk to me properly and says he want to wait till we go to counselling. I am beside myself.

Is it ever not an OW? I have my suspicions about a woman he works with. I've not checked his phone or snooped in any way yet. Wtf do I do? Has anyone got past their partners saying that and it not been because he's cheating or wants to cheat?

We have so much to lose, I don't want to lose my family. I believe he does still love me. Please help.

TheElephantofSurprise Sat 25-Feb-17 01:24:32

Sending you good wishes, as I don't think I have any other way to help.

OhMyNameChange Sat 25-Feb-17 01:26:28

If you have suspicions then snoop. My partner has done this to me, TWICE, in 10 years. Came out with the "I don't think I love u anymore", yet I thought we were all good, there was OW. Please look because 80% of the time there is always OW. He has probably had his head turned. if he is saying he will go counselling maybe it hasn't but chances are if you're suspicious, it has.

KindaMagicista Sat 25-Feb-17 01:33:54

I don't know if it is the fact that I have read the same on here and the internet so many times or whether it really is my instincts though, that's the problem. I said that if he had nothing to hide would he be ok with me looking at his phone and he said fine! He deletes most things normally though. I thin his phone bill is online. I am worried that if I snoop it will cause more problems if he finds out. My head is wrecked. sad

KindaMagicista Sat 25-Feb-17 01:34:22

Thank you for the good wishes though OhMy.

KindaMagicista Sat 25-Feb-17 01:35:00

I mean Elephant! I need to go to bed. I have had wine

chatnanny Sat 25-Feb-17 01:51:19

My friend's husband had hidden debt not an OW but I guess there's usually something. I hope he can be honest and that counselling works for you. Personally I wouldn't snoop, it'll all come out anyway, whatever it is and you may want to protect yourself from every little detail.

sobeyondthehills Sat 25-Feb-17 01:55:05

I turned around to my husband and said I didn't love him, the relationship was fine, it was clocking along, but for me it had lost its spark and no matter what we both did and tried and did (we gave it a year) to me it was more a best friend thing going on, rather than a relationship, I never knew how to explain it properly and I still don't and I really struggled with it, but I knew we both wanted children and I just couldn't do that to myself or any child

highinthesky Sat 25-Feb-17 02:08:02

Trust your instincts, OP. But from what you've posted so far, it doesn't sound like another woman.

Your DH recognising there's a problem and wanting to save the relationship is a v good sign.

Italiangreyhound Sat 25-Feb-17 02:13:31

KindaMagicista this sounds very hard. I am sorry to hear this.

The fact he wants to save your marriage and go for counselling is good.

Please give that your all.

It may be another woman but it could be something else:
Problems at work, feeling emasculated at work
Mental health problems/anxiety, these can really kill passion, I feel sure
Drink, drugs, or gambling issues
Mid life crisis

Pottedplants Sat 25-Feb-17 02:15:06

I think I feel like your DH does and there is definitely nobody else involved. Sadly I don't believe we should ever have been together. There are children involved which meant I stayed (am still here even) but without children, I'd have walked away a long time ago. He is fine, we get on alright but I'd choose to be on my own instead of with him if it didn't affect other people. I guess I have accepted that I'm here. For now at least though I often think what it must be like to be with someone I'd truly love.

Carollocking Sat 25-Feb-17 02:19:13

There will be something and sadly normally another woman.hope things work out got you

Italiangreyhound Sat 25-Feb-17 02:23:48

My dh is a very happy and hard working sort of man, very quiet too. About 6 months ago it suddenly dawned in him that by the time our kids were out of the house and independent, at least 12 years but probably more like 15, we would be close to collecting our pensions!

Before we met and married I traveled the world and lived abroad, worked abroad etc. My dh did not. He settled down and brought a house, a small one, he was very organised and got on getting a good job etc.

i think he now feels a bit unfulfilled so we talked about what would make him feel better. he has a sport he does as a hobby so I encouraged him to pursue this more. It does mean that various points in the week he is busy with his hobby but he definitely seems more fulfilled and happy.

I have a hobby too but I also have more friends and can just go to the pub etc. DH needed some things in his life and some challenges. He does seem happier.

I'd also rather gone off sex! We used to do it every few days, then it went down to twice a week and now more like once a week. I've tried to kick things back up to a couple of times a week, I do enjoy it when we do! But we are on different body clocks, I am a night owl and he is a morning lark!

THIS is all about me, and may not be relevant to you but I thought I would share it.

Please try not to worry, find out what you can, share what you wish to share and all the best.

SpareASquare Sat 25-Feb-17 02:26:52

Honestly, when a man leaves it's usually because he has something to go TO. Usually there is an OW or plans to be with one. I'm sure there are exceptions but, in my experience, they usually have someone lined up already.
The fact that he is willing to try is promising. If that is what you want.
So, no, I don't think it is a given that there is someone else, or at least not something started. Regardless, I hope it works out the way that is best for you OP.

ladybird69 Sat 25-Feb-17 02:55:34

I VERY rarely write in but I'm sorry but there's always an OW, men are pathetic needy creatures who enjoy having their cake and eating it, until other woman starts demanding more and planning for their wonderful life together, then it's up to your devoted loving husband to get rid of you asap!, then suddenly out of the blue he's not happy/ your relationship isn't great/don't know if I ever loved you ..........................all whilst playing the victim and getting all the sympathy! Yet this evil Bastard and bit of fluff have manipulated every move that been taken. Sorry Op, been through this quite recently so still raw. Tbh I didn't care that marriage was over, it was the deception, lies and slander he used against me while I was willing to be amicable due to children and not bring up his numerous indiscretions. It ended in world war III BASTARD. Wishing you well and sending you strength x

Tweetme Sat 25-Feb-17 03:22:40

My exh and I separated and he left and there was no one else for either of us (five years and a messy divorce later still no one has crept out of the woodwork.)

BUT he didn't suddenly announce he was unhappy etc. It didn't come out of the blue. We had been struggling in a difficult situation for two years.

The threads I read on here seem similar to yours i.e. Sudden announcement, wife devastated, husband goes cold, leaves, ow appears.

Counselling is worth a try but I'm sorry, what struck me about your post is that at the start you say he has told you he doesn't love you and at the end you say you think he loves you. It's a shock and hurtful but you need to accept what he has said. Then you will start to adjust to the situation and be more practical about what you have to do.

LetsStartAtTheVeryBeginning Sat 25-Feb-17 03:38:26

I think it's usually another person. As Potted said, people generally hang around and just get on with it for the sake of the children, if there is no one else involved. It's often only when someone else comes along who galvanizes their feelings into action that they, well, act.

It doesn't mean there always is though.

I would also caution against presuming you know someone's feelings better than they do.

If someone told me that they no longer loved me, I wouldn't decide to believe that they do.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots Sat 25-Feb-17 04:31:28

I'm an old giffer and from what I have seen of people around me splitting up and my own experiences of it, women are far more likely to leave a relationship, set up home on their own and function well on their own until another relationship comes along or not.
Talking generally, women manage this far better than men. I don't think I know one man that has done this and they are far more likely to go from one relationship to another without the bit in between. It seems to me that women often need the bit in between to get their head together whereas men seem to avoid this type of thing at all costs.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I think it's rare and men need to have another relationship to jump to thus avoiding the middle bit.
I do think with some men it doesn't have to be a fully formed idea and they leave sometimes on a fantasy almost. They have had their 'head turned' as a PP put it and they leave with a part formed idea fantasy that they will get into a relationship with the head turner with no specific plans as to the practicalities of where he is going to live etc. Often they realise that the woman they have been flirting with for months is not what they seemed or, when faced with a bloke with a badly packed suitcase they change their mind and the bloke then wants to return to the wife that does all the donkey work that goes on in his life original relationship.
So what I'm saying is that usually there is an actual OW, or one that is assumed by the man that she will fall into that role. Failing these two I think the man has an idea in his head of a 'generic' OW out there that he needs to be free to pursue and needs to get a flat/ a better car/new clothes etc so he can do that thing even if he doesn't go to the effort of getting the flat and car he will sofa surf, lose weight, smarten up and make an attempt to find her at least. It's shit and it sounds like I have a low opinion of men but I have seen several of my acquaintances and have myself, left a relationship with no other fantasy in my head other than getting some bed linen that is just mine and some nice candles and being able to shut a new door with just me and my stuff on my side of it and just needing to lick my wounds and let the world go by for a while. I don't know of one bloke that has done this without 'a prospect' on the horizon at least. I don't think they are wired that way. I thought I knew of one once but looking back, it was evident the lady friend he hitched up with a few months later in an apparent new relationship had been spectacularly well hidden is all.
I would snoop like a loon. I would look for a second phone and if I found that I would look for a third. I would do everything in my power to have every bit of knowledge I could about what was actually happening in my own life. I am not a blind eye sort. I would need to know if a line had been crossed so I could make a decision about myself. Once my old man had said he wanted out or even hinted at it, it would be over for me. I may be a bit of a 'hard liner' but I have been there, got the tee shirt, the beanie hat, the sun strip and umpteen fucking car stickers. I suppose you could argue I would be snooping so I knew why, as an academic exercise only?
flowers for you OP it's a shit sandwich and no mistake.

Honeyandfizz Sat 25-Feb-17 06:48:37

I found myself in a similar position to sobeyond, completely fell out of love for h over a number of years. We decided to separate last year and there is nobody else involved. My closest friend is also going through relate with her h as they are the same. If there are signs then follow them but no it's not always another woman.

Angrybird123 Sat 25-Feb-17 07:28:15

I agree with the pp who said that if it follows this pattern of a sudden announcement with no discussion or attempt to resolve issues then it makes it a LOT more likely that there is an OW or the prospect of one. In the cases above where there hasn't been, the couple have realised there are issued, discussed them, tried to work at it together and then agreed to separate. That's rather different. The hardest thing to deal with for me was the unilateral nature of ex's decision to end OUR marriage (for OW ). OP I'M sorry but if he is refusing to discuss things, won't entertain any thoughts of counselling etc it's likely he has someone else. It's awful. Keep posting here - lots of us will help you x

Expat38matt Sat 25-Feb-17 08:30:38

Potted I've been where you are and I genuinely believe that when you're unhappy and questioning your relationship you're also in a pretty vulnerable along comes fancy free OW or OM and you have that spark you've been missing and start comparing how exciting shiny new ball feels!
So my point is that it doesn't necessarily start with an affair but I think it often leads to it as your head gets turned and the gap gets filled .

TheNaze73 Sat 25-Feb-17 08:34:49

They'll always be a reason, normally something lacking in the relationship

user1483387154 Sat 25-Feb-17 08:37:35

No there is not always an OW
Im very sorry your relationship has broken down. The fact he wants to go to counselling is positive I hope it works for you.

Runningissimple Sat 25-Feb-17 08:54:52

My ex said he didn't love me for quite a few years. I couldn't believe it. He said we were like best friends who had regular sex, not lovers. He found another woman eventually and left.

We had been together over 20 years and it's been devastating for me and the kids. No real advice but I'd accept what he says and if he doesn't love you tell him to jog on.

Being told I wasn't loved and just carrying trying to figure things out was not good for me or my family. It's a shitty thing to say to the mother of your children and it gave him permission to treat me with contempt.

Runningissimple Sat 25-Feb-17 09:00:52

Oh - he didn't love me. The past two years have been pretty conclusive on that front! It's hurtful and humiliating for me but I now understand that it wasn't really about me - it's all his complicated shit. Unfortunately, some people are very complex.

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