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being duped I think and abandoned

(22 Posts)
tich31 Fri 24-Feb-17 23:54:21

Hi,

After several years on my own with 2 young children I opted for a dating and met someone who I fell totally in love with.
We've been together for about 5 years but during that time he's gone from changing about offering us living together and having another child (I'm now 45 so has now passed) to a reasonable settled routine that suits him and his situation with kids. No more mention of moving in together etc.

He lied to me very early on the relationship which I discovered....there have probably been many more occasions and I know of a few...nothing major as far as I know but just small things generally.

Recently I've guessed that he hasn't completed his uni course...its all bizarre and I get that he feels embarrassed etc but honesty has to happen otherwise the lie just becomes bigger.

I've asked occasionally to be met with just a defensive answer.

Anyway recently I mentioned that I needed him to contribute to some food....he pays for nothing when here (half of a month). His answer was is it his fault that I am in the red?

Since then he has been very off and last weekend he was very angry and eventually stormed off last Sunday....I;ve never really heard from him since. He sent a few texts saying he was on a downer and didn't like dragging me down and that I was a good person and he wasn't.

Thing is I would have stood by him through whatever.

Since leaving he has totally blanked me and its like he doesn't exist.

This is awful.... did he not feel anything for me at all? Have I just been used?
What a waste of my life though for nothing.

I am such a bad judgement of character...thought I was making a good new choice with him!!

TheElephantofSurprise Sat 25-Feb-17 01:07:14

Hmm.
You might have been used, yes.
But that does not invalidate your experience. You had him around for five years, and presumably there were some pleasant aspects to that.
Consider it a learning experience and move on.
Don't have him back, whatever he says.

Cricrichan Sat 25-Feb-17 02:45:26

So the 5 years you've been together, he's stayed half of the time at yours and contributed nothing?

pallasathena Sat 25-Feb-17 11:33:16

its time to move on. You are worth far more than he is prepared to offer you; in fact, what has he offered you? Nothing except a toddler tantrum because you have DARED to question his twattish male entitlement.
Men like this are two a penny OP. They are everywhere and until kind, generous, loving, decent women like yourself have your eyes opened by their selfish behaviour, you won't be the first and you won't be the last to get taken in by the type.
Learn from it, move on from it and sign up to the Freedom Programme before you end up with another one of similar selfish, self centred persuasions.

tich31 Sat 25-Feb-17 11:58:39

You're right....when I'm not feeling angry this has been a wonderful relationship at times....certainly the first few years.
I guess where I'm struggling is how he can just walk out & that's that. Its like I never existed.
If he is depressed then surely talking to me should be an option but just nothing.
I guess in truth you never know what the other person is thinking deep down & I just feel stupid cos I know I'm too caring etc & so do feel used.

pallasathena Sat 25-Feb-17 12:12:30

He's not depressed....he's one of life's entitled and in his little world, he matters and you don't.
You do matter. Very much so.
Don't feel sorry for him. His type play on female compassion and sympathy.

Offred Sat 25-Feb-17 18:22:32

Completely agree with pallasthena. I had the misfortune to end up with someone like this recently.

There is nothing wrong with you, it's all him.

Sammygold Sat 25-Feb-17 20:42:08

He may or may not be depressed; I'm not sure how any strangers on the internet can state for sure. Regardless, what is clear is that he is not emotionally available to you right now. It doesn't mean that he has never loved you either. I know it must hurt like hell, though. It will get better flowers

tich31 Sat 25-Feb-17 21:12:12

I thought as a couple problems would be shared. He hasn't even actually ended the relationship....just walked out, back to his and that's that. He may of course be in touch with someone else....I don't know.

It's like being left in limbo.

tich31 Sun 26-Feb-17 22:12:36

I've just been reading up in being in a relationship with a narcissist....my gosh....it sounds exactly what I've been doing. I look back now and lots of signs were there but when they have you in love with them you just doubt your thoughts.

But that means he saw me as a 'target'....that is a horrible feeling and at that point in time I think I was in a pretty good place! So I guess purely a financial target......

Now I feel stupid and ashamed - lots of things happened between family that possibly wouldn't have happened and I possibly wouldn't have been so stressed.

The only good thing is how I view this end and see why he's just walked away.....he can because I've never really been anything real to him.

I hope this is a life lesson for me.....and I hope it doesn't make me unwilling to date again. I'm easily duped with flattery I guess!

panachronic Sun 26-Feb-17 22:41:35

The feeling that you have never been real to him is horrible. But realise that is a construction made in your own head.

Please don't feel stupid or ashamed, you have done nothing wrong. He is a user. It might not feel like it at the moment but you are so much better off without. Give yourself time.

HexicanMix Sun 26-Feb-17 23:20:00

The thing is if he was a narcissist, his attitude to you was nothing personal. Narcissists do not see "a person" in front of them. They see some attributes, they see something they want and can use, and so forth but all as objects.

tich31 Sun 26-Feb-17 23:36:15

HexicanMix....I know that now but that just makes me feel awful! I thought he loved me! And now I can see it...I look back and think the signs were all there but I overlooked them cos I didn't want to see them I guess but because I loved him.

Don't get me wrong I can look at this and see that he is in a much worse place in reality than I am. He may not see that. And I may not feel that totally but can see that.

I just thought that I was in a good place at the start and making good choices but do see now that I fell for flattery initially - shallow of me.

My choices through life are not good!!

Offred Mon 27-Feb-17 08:15:33

Tich31 - it is incredibly difficult to get away from a narcissist. Usually after the discard they will come back at some point even if it is years later. They usually choose strong and compassionate people as they assess they will be the most useful. Don't beat yourself up and do prepare yourself for when he comes back for another go.

Offred Mon 27-Feb-17 08:16:43

You being in a good place when you met him makes sense. And ideal target for a narcissist is someone who has been down but has got strong.

ThisIsTheRightTime Mon 27-Feb-17 10:27:56

Good morning tich31 smile

I have just left (although in his eyes he's the one who left me wink ) a narcissist after just a few months of what was a relationship based on strong chemistry and, what I chose to see as, respect, good communication and positive feelings. BUT, having been married to a manipulated/narcissit, I was ALWAYS on red alert with him. I know his ex who had portrayed him as a manipulator and, whilst enjoying the wonderful times (oh, the sex was fabulous) I knew I would run a mile as soon as I felt he was criticising or demeaning me.

I often felt in control as I had taken my time at the start of the relationship and was rarely available due to my children and work. Despite being very loving and attentive with me my narcissist often used words to make me doubt my own mind or the nature of our relationship, had no real empathy (but was very good at pretending to be empathetic) and, as soon as I clearly expressed my dissatisfaction with his behaviour, suddenly EVERYTHING was my fault. The last message he sent me after I finished things with him portrayed me as this fragile, demanding woman; which I absolutely was not with him. I suspect that now, that he finally has me in a more submissive role, having broken my moral he will eventually come back and try to lure me in.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very difficult as the loving, attentive, romantic (his texts were so, so beautiful) behaviour clouds our judgement. In the end, however, they have no empathy for their victim whatsoever.

tich31 Mon 27-Feb-17 11:30:48

Oh my....reading all this just confirms how stupid I've been. How did I fall for it all & for so long?
Though one things is recently I've not allowed myself to be quite so manipulated & stood my ground on a couple of things. Though I think he's already been in touch with someone which would explain why he allowed me to do so.
And if I fall for that when I'm in a good place then I'd better watch out!
I guess I just don't understand how you can be with someone for those reasons.

I thought this was built on a real friendship & I miss that friend.

I just feel so stupid & needy....I could see some things but didn't say anything.

Some of his stuff is still at mine....unbeknown to me he'd already started to take some away but there still some things left.

Offred Mon 27-Feb-17 12:09:28

This has helped me. flowers

Bluntness100 Mon 27-Feb-17 12:15:11

>>Anyway recently I mentioned that I needed him to contribute to some food....he pays for nothing when here (half of a month). His answer was is it his fault that I am in the red?<<

That's actually really bad. He's taking advantage of you, has he no shame? Stop waiting about for him to come back, text him and tell him it's over. And move on. You need to take control now.

mjt73 Mon 27-Feb-17 12:16:12

Leave all his things outside. I too have had a shitty time with a man but the story is way to long to explain .... my self worth at the moment is zero I'm now working on loving myself 🙂 good luck and a very big hug x

tich31 Tue 28-Feb-17 00:05:45

I've just briefly gone on Facebook....funnily enough it was through him that I stopped! Anyway...I'm not in a relationship but he is so clever with I.T. that I can't see when he's done that and he's changed his bizarre page anyway to one where there's only him and his daughter on it.

That is so planned!! And even now I'm looking at myself and thinking why did you let him do that??!! God he is so weird in his head.

How did I allow this to happen though? God...I must have lost the plot but maybe I did....I've had a horrid time with my son's illnesses and this just gave me something I needed thoit cost me my son.....he lives with his dad.
I don't want him back....it's me feeling stupid and ashamed.

I don't think he knows the meaning of shame to be honest.

Gosh...do you then wonder what we actually fell in love with???

Offred Tue 28-Feb-17 09:08:00

An abuser doesn't need your permission to abuse you. In fact they get more out of it if they don't have it.

You need to learn to forgive yourself. You don't have to forgive him but you do need to forgive yourself to move on.

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