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Panicking about ttc

(66 Posts)
LovelyUnicorn83 Fri 24-Feb-17 23:49:14

I posted last week. I have a two kids aged 14 and 8. Ive been with DP 3.5 yrs And they call him dad. Recently we decided ttc but im doing it to keep him happy and give him a child. Im feeling anxious about it all

category12 Sat 25-Feb-17 07:41:27

Maybe you need to rethink if you aren't happy about trying to get pregnant. You should both want a baby.

Tweetme Sat 25-Feb-17 07:43:37

If it's the thread im thinking of, I didn't join in but I was surprised that so many posters thought you should consider it and also that within a couple of days you had agreed.

It's ok to have a rethink or at least give yourself a bit more time.

Tweetme Sat 25-Feb-17 07:44:59

I could never do what you're doing if I felt the way you do.

LovelyUnicorn83 Sat 25-Feb-17 07:50:09

If i dont my kids lose the man they call dad

OliviaBenson Sat 25-Feb-17 07:52:29

I remember the other thread. I don't think it's fair on anyone if this is something your heart isn't in.

Can you talk to your partner?

LovelyUnicorn83 Sat 25-Feb-17 07:55:45

I can but it will be over hes desperate for a child

InTheMoodForLove Sat 25-Feb-17 08:00:13

I remember your first post too.
Have you actually said to your DP you feel you must give him a child as you are scared to loose him otherwise? I don't think you have. Who would what a child under this condition? Surely you are not just a baby making machine to him!

Your children are old enough to understand that 1) he is not really their father 2) you do not use children as a bargaining tool 3) love should be unconditional

InTheMoodForLove Sat 25-Feb-17 08:03:08

ah ok. Cross-posted
He knows how you feel and he still wants to go ahead ?
Doesn't sound right.
You have to let him go. But you won't

LovelyUnicorn83 Sat 25-Feb-17 08:04:19

They would be devastated though. We want to be with each other but he wants his own kid. Havent told him fully how i feel

Tweetme Sat 25-Feb-17 08:05:19

If you imagine both scenarios, you have a new baby or him leaving, which feels best to you? Or which feels worst?

Isthismummy Sat 25-Feb-17 08:07:21

And if you do you end up with a child you don't really want and a potential resentment of your dp.

I saw your other thread op and I do feel for you. It's a shitty situation to be in. Your partner has every right to want his own child and you have every right to stop at two.

AyeAmarok Sat 25-Feb-17 08:10:25

Your kids probably shouldn't be calling a man you've known for 3 years "Dad", not at their age. How did that come about?

Did he suggest it?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Sat 25-Feb-17 08:13:34

You cannot have a baby you don't want just to keep your partner. It's a recipe for disaster, your relationship will end anyway with acres of acrimony and bitterness, and you will left still be raising this baby for 18+ years.

You would be far better off telling him now that you can't do this and the price of staying with you is not having a child. Please, please do not go ahead with ttc when it's not what you want.

LovelyUnicorn83 Sat 25-Feb-17 08:13:57

No he didnt suggest it. Dd was only 4.5 when we met and they get on really well. When he moved in she asked if she was allowed to call him dad. We discussed what it meant to call someone dad and DP agreed. Ds sometimes calls him dad.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 25-Feb-17 08:15:49

Having a child to keep a man is a really bad idea

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 25-Feb-17 08:27:10

I would not ever ttc in such circumstances; its a recipe for disaster.

Have you not told him how you feel because you are afraid of his reaction?.

Would your children really be devastated; those are your thoughts and not theirs. They would perhaps think differently.

Why are you and he together at all?. You and he are fundamentally incompatible; he wants a child and you do not or if you do its only for him. That is completely unfair to that child.

April2013 Sat 25-Feb-17 08:47:16

I think you need to tell him how you feel and he needs to listen and you need to think in detail about how you would feel if you get pregnant tomorrow, throughout the pregnancy and the birth and then with a newborn, baby, toddler, older child, teenager, adult...You need a longer period of thinking about this and discussing it at the very least. I think if you can't be honest with him about how you feel then the relationship isn't worth as much as you think to you or your children. If he only stays if you have a baby then he can't be that committed to them. A Dad should be a Dad whatever happens.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sat 25-Feb-17 08:50:26

Where is their actual dad?

Have you considered getting married?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Sat 25-Feb-17 08:58:47

Have you considered getting married?

...That's your prescription for this situation michael? Seriously?

LovelyUnicorn83 Sat 25-Feb-17 10:23:01

Were great together and yes my kids would be very upset. Neither father is involved with them. We have talked about marriage and looked at venues

YouMeddlingKids Sat 25-Feb-17 10:28:33

What happens if you have the baby for him and the relationship ends? First year with a newborn is the most stressful time even when both parents desperately wanted a child. Would you be prepared to be a single mum to three? And yes, I would never have a child to someone I wasn't married to as it does still give some legal protection should the relationship not last.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Sat 25-Feb-17 10:29:15

Look, you can't marry him while you aren't on the same page about this. A baby is a bad bad bad bad idea right now.

InTheMoodForLove Sat 25-Feb-17 10:45:28

Having a child to keep a man is a really bad idea

it is not just that. If just having a child was enough for a relationship to succeed , hu

even the language is uncomfortable
"keeping a man" hmm

LovelyUnicorn83 Sat 25-Feb-17 13:53:34

I will speak to him. He's 42 so feels like we don't have years to decide. He'd be a great dad aswell but I'm just hesitant

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