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sister fid not send my little girl a birthday card, should i say something or ignore?

(17 Posts)
kidsinamerica73 Fri 24-Feb-17 13:15:26

Long story , will try to paraphrase: my sister is with an emotionally abusive h. Long ago he was also violent and aggressive towards her, I have no idea now whether that still goes on.
They both have rewritten history and denied any of this ever happened.

I have interfered in the past for the sake of her and my nephews, this did me no favours, the upshot being I was banned from their lives. I didn't always intervene in the best way but it was done with best intentions.
I've seen him ban his own mum for disobeying him too.
In the end, desperate to keep contact I have bitten my tongue and tired to stay friendly in the face of his constant baiting.
He hates all our family and is rude to all of us, which has ended up with her bitter that a lot of family don't bother with her. He has little to no friends, all their socialising is mainly through her and her friends. She defends him for having 'trust issues from his childhood ' and he's never forgiven me for getting involved. She says I should respect their marriage which I have done but I don't think I should respect it to the point where he can say and do whatever he likes to me without being challenged.
He loves a fight or argument and thinks he's super clever with words and wit.
Every now and then I rise to the bait. Subsequently, since end of last year I'm banned again and tbh I can't be bothered anymore, it's too upsetting and draining, she adores him and his word is gospel.
anything that goes against him is not tolerated.
I'm not perfect for having intervened but she's my sister , I've been there when she's answered yes to all the questions on the police dv risk questionnaire they do and I've heard her screaming as well as seen my nephew very distressed, I'm crying writing this.
Anyway i sent Christmas presents to the kids from my kids, no acknowledgement from them and my little girl has just had a birthday. She has kept asking where her youngest cousins birthday card is and wanting to invite him to her party. Of course I haven't invited as I know it'll be ignored.
Half of me wants to tell her she shouldn't take it out on the kids but the other half of me says I'll be subject to more abuse if I contact her. What should I do?

kidsinamerica73 Fri 24-Feb-17 13:16:08

*did. Obvs. blush

gamerchick Fri 24-Feb-17 13:18:56


Do a mock up card if the bairns asking and you feel it's important and make an excuse for the party. If saying anything is the equivalent of poking a wasp nest then I wouldn't.

Even worse, they all might come and totally spoil the day.

highinthesky Fri 24-Feb-17 13:20:21

Just leave her alone. She's made her own bed and needs to find her own way out of it when she's ready. Because there will be no winning whilst she is with this a*sehole.

I know this is very tough to hear, but your own family deserves your undivided attention. That doesn't mean that you don't care for your sister, but it does mean that you won't sacrifice yourself in the process.

flowers for you

kidsinamerica73 Fri 24-Feb-17 13:22:18

Should just add that I miss my nephews desperately but he has also done his work in trying to make them dislike me, last time I met the littlest one he could barely look at me and the other one when younger told me daddy says you're a bitch, daddy says you're evil etc. I have also seen and heard the youngest one mirroring his dad and putting my sister down. I'd love to keep in touch for the sake of the kids, our own mum kept us away from all our relatives, it seems she's chosen the same pattern again.

kidsinamerica73 Fri 24-Feb-17 13:24:41

Thank you both for your replies. Yes I think you're right, wasp nest is the thing, I'm trying not to be so impulsive anymore as it has always made things worse when I've said anything. I stopped for a long time and only spoke out again when there was a big hoohah when our other sister stood up to him. Stupidly I tried to smooth things out between them but accidentally said 'the wrong thing' (which I thought was an acceptable thing to say & stirred it all up again . I'm so sad about it all.

kidsinamerica73 Fri 24-Feb-17 13:37:22

She won't find away out of it, he can do anything and she'll accept it as never wants to be on her own.
She's forced him to come to many family occasions and he's ruined them every time so no I do not want him at my kids' parties making everyone feel uncomfortable 'spectre at the feast' and casting a blight on our day.
He gets horribly drunk in front of their kids, shouts and blah blah. As I say, I'm not perfect but he's not a role model I want for my kids.
He accused me of being jealous of their relationship and pitied me for my single parent status. I chose divorce as I was not happy and would choose to be alone every time rather than take anybody's crap.

FinallyHere Fri 24-Feb-17 13:39:19

Just a thought, it might be helpful to gently discourage your daughter from looking for a card from a particular person. It might not jar from a very young child, but i wouldn't expect that you would be happy for a teenagers to be saying the same thing.

PollytheDolly Fri 24-Feb-17 14:17:37

Isn't he a charmer? angry

Do nothing. Leave it and hope she comes to her senses. She doesn't adore him. She's brainwashed. Don't get involved in his diatribe. flowers

kidsinamerica73 Fri 24-Feb-17 19:05:54

Thank you. I won't. It's sad and I think why should he get away with it. So typical isolating her from her family and all her confident friends! Twat x

tillytown Sat 25-Feb-17 07:07:30

That must be so horrible for your nephews, I feel terrible for them.

kidsinamerica73 Mon 27-Feb-17 22:06:18

tillytown I just hope that the eldest one keeps his wits about him. He seems to understand that his 'df' talks a lot of shit (conspiracy theories abound) . Bil is v disrespectful about pretty much everyone especially women, not great environment for two boys ( or any child in fact).

The littlest neph is in his father's image and likeness and sadly is his little mouthpiece confused

SandyY2K Mon 27-Feb-17 23:05:23

I find it so sad that women like your sister choose to stay in such relationships, because the behaviour she allows her sons to witness, will be dished out on another woman in the future by them.

What often happens in these situations is also, even if the abused wife eventually cottons on to the fact she's being abused, shame keeps her there.

Maybe one day he'll push her far enough to realise she has to get out.

Would she be able to support herself financially? Because way too many women are stuck for that reason.

I'm not sure how old your DD is, but perhaps you need to let her know the situation.

kidsinamerica73 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:32:03

sandyY2k my little girl is just 7. She's had to take on a lot of new concepts, I don't know how to justify the fact that our (adults) enmity will make it difficult for her to access her cousin.
sister would be able to support herself in that they live in council housing, mega low rent, she works school hours so doesn't need to pay for childcare etc, his parents are both millionaires and I think she'd struggle with losing all the 'things' and trappings of their wealth that comes with them. We grew up on the breadline and now she wants for nothing materially.
He's carried out very questionable behaviour regarding porn and other women but that's only things I've learned about by chance, she stopped confiding in me years ago and knowing her the way I do I very much doubt she'd confide in any friends . She's created a huge happily married persona with a hero husband, father and provider. Bless her heart, it's hard to be a big sister and step back. We had nobody but each other at one point, that's long gone but she's still my baby sister 😪

PickAChew Tue 28-Feb-17 23:38:58

Meh. It's a piece of paper. Aunty is very busy papering over the cracks at the moment so probably didn't find get time to buy one.

I don't think there's really much you can do for her, at the moment, but if you do get a solid reason to suspect your DN is having to endure the abuse, directly or otherwise, then you need to report that, because he doesn't have that choice.

kidsinamerica73 Wed 01-Mar-17 00:08:29

oh gosh if I had solid evidence I wouldn't hesitate.
Sadly in the past I've had to deal with personal safeguarding issues and the handling of it (by all the professionals) was atrocious and exacerbated the situation.

Winniethepooer Wed 01-Mar-17 00:15:49

As hard as it is, follow your sisters lead. This has been going for a good few years.
I wouldn't make a big deal of it to your dd. Shes only little.

Your sister has made her choice.

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