Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Weird title for Relationships, but does anyone who watches Holby City have any words of advice?

(68 Posts)
FrazzleRock Fri 24-Feb-17 11:30:40

(Sorry another really long post of mine. I seem to be quite the writer when I get going. If you reach the end, I'd really appreciate what you think)

Reason I ask is the past few weeks I've been watching the relationship between Isaac and Dom and it is striking such a huge chord with me.

I've been trying to work out my DP and have noticed how similar his behaviour is to Isaac, and how similar my reaction to him is to Dom. I haven't been able to describe it before seeing this.

DP isn't quite as bad as Isaac, but the similarities are there for sure. I don't know if I am over reacting or just trying to work out what is going on with us but I feel really uncomfortable. DP loves confrontation, almost thrives on it, and I hate it. He will always tell me exactly how it is, no matter how much it hurts me. His father is the same as he openly destroyed me by telling me his thoughts on my miscarriage in front of the whole family. Baby doesn't exist, not a real person yadda yadda... (completely wrong to approach me with this, as far as I'm concerned, given how much I am grieving and struggling)
So I guess that is where DP gets it from - learnt behavior.

When DP becomes confrontational (regularly) he is very articulate and uses words and phrases I wouldn't use, and sometimes have never even heard of. This makes me feel inferior and also pretty confused and makes me question myself.
He often withholds affection when I'm upset, I have asked for a simple hug in our Relate sessions which he does do, but they are not real hugs. Afterwards he then tends to withhold affection and becomes very very distant which leaves me anxious and more confused and I always end up apologising just to make peace.

I also looked into the concept of Love bombing, I found this article here:https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/love-bombing-a-seductive-manipulative-technique/

I found myself nodding along enthusiastically all the way through that article.

I don't know if this is real abuse, or I am just very sensitive. This has all come about since we lost our first baby a year ago (an unplanned but beautiful surprise). Before this happened, we had been together for only 8 months. He adored me, worshipped me, constantly told me I'm beautiful, gorgeous etc.. Always lots of compliments, lots of text communication throughout the day. Always very affectionate at home and in public. Loads of hugs and attention.

The first I saw of his anger and resentment was when I spoke about trying again a couple of weeks after our loss. He was so angry with me, sat on the end of the bed staring at me with, what I can only describe as, hate in his eyes. He never really wanted his own children so bringing this up was difficult for me.

We did actually try again, but lost that one too. Since then he has refused to try again for financial reasons - he realised we really can't afford it and he is still very much on the fence about having his own children.
I am struggling with this so much and have written various threads about not ever having that healing from another baby. I want to make peace with it, after all I am very lucky to have two DC from previous marriage, but finding it virtually impossible as I am triggered all day everyday.

If I cry in front of him he says I am emotionally blackmailing him, so I try to avoid getting upset around him. He knows I want to make peace with his decision, but everytime he berates me for being upset, I plummet further into depression. He then withholds affection when I need it the most and I apologise for being upset and apologise for my depression.

He often says he has lost the Frazzle he met and fell in love with because I have been so depressed (suicidal even), especially since we stopped trying. I hate the me I am now too, and just want my previous life back again, and I also respect that DP has changed his mind about trying again, so its not like I want him to just say 'lets try again' for my sake. I want to get better and am taking steps to improve my mind, though not much is happening as yet.

He says I am looking for a fix and that it won't happen, that I have to fix myself and not rely on him or anyone else to help me.

I honestly do not know if it is me, if I am totally overreacting, or if his behavior towards me is wrong. I've just never been with anyone like him before with his attitude to treating people and to life in general. He has told me several times that he has made people at work cry and people have told him he is unapproachable. Friends of ours have told me they wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him. Especially given the fact he is so confrontational and argumentative.

I just never saw this side to him before I fell in love with him. We have now bought a house together (when we found out we were expecting our first baby together) away from the city I grew up in, and my children adore him, despite him being very strict with them. I still adore him, despite all the above. which makes me wonder if it really is abuse. How can I be so in love with someone abusive and crave their affection so much?

Could this be abuse do you think? Or am I just very sensitive and need to pull myself together? Am I reading too much into things?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 24-Feb-17 12:11:07

Its not you being too sensitive and you need to make plans asap to leave this individual. You are in an abusive relationship and its also very much a case of like father, like son in terms of their overall behaviour.

Did you meet this individual when you were in a low place yourself emotionally?. Did you have a previous abusive relationship as well. This is also perhaps why you were assiduously targeted by him. There is no doubt at all that this man targeted you and deliberately so. He is very much the idealise (the quick attachment to you was and is a red flag in itself), devalue and discard type of abusive man.

I would also read Dr Joe Carver's The Loser and see how much of that resonates with him and your own experience. I would think that pretty much all of it tallies.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

And there's that bloody word adore in relation to him with your children. Your children do not adore this man as much as are afraid of him. They have seen what he has done to you as their mother and they cannot and must not keep on learning such damaging lessons on relationships for them to potentially repeat as adults. This is not the role model of a relationship they should be at all seeing.

I would read up on co-dependency and see how much of that fits in with your own behaviours. Your boundaries in relationships are pretty much shot and this is also why this individual has honed in on you as he has done. I would also contact Womens Aid as a matter of urgency and with their help make plans to leave this individual as soon as you are able.
Their number is 0808 2000 247.

FrazzleRock Fri 24-Feb-17 15:37:07

Hi Attila, thanks for this, not the response I was hoping for though. I had hoped someone would tell me it is me so that I can fix it.
I totally appreciate everything you've said, especially as you helped me out so much a few years ago when struggling with PCOS and TTC DS2.

Did you meet this individual when you were in a low place yourself emotionally?
I was actually in a very good place at that point. I'd been single for about 6 years (after ten year relationship with a manchild) and had been treated pretty badly (emotionally) by a couple of guys in that time who I totally fell for. I had come out the other side and was actually just about to stop dating and concentrate on my life with my DC without a man around for a while. That's when I met DP (OLD). We clicked immediately, though not really a huge sexual attraction, but we had such a lot in common. We took our relationship fairly slowly and didn't even kiss until after several dates. We had actually been writing to eachother for a couple of months before we even met, not terribly regularly either. We really liked eachother when we met and thoroughly enjoyed eachother's company. Contact built up and it just seemed to be going at a more natural pace, compared to other guys I had dated. It felt really good and the compliments were obviously lovely, too.
He was the first guy to not disappear after sleeping with me. It just felt like this could be it and we became more and more besotted by eachother and fell in love.
Then I miraculously became pregnant. Incredible given my hell TTC DS2 and DS2.
DP was not keen at first as he never wanted his own children and told me it was up to me what I did. That he would stand by me but I had to make the decision (This left me feeling quite alone, knowing he really didn't want to go though with it). I desperately wanted to keep the baby. He came around to the idea and fell in love with it. We went ahead with selling our flats and buying a house together. He embrased the pregnancy massively, even downloading a pregnancy app to his phone and warning me against eating foods I shouldn't etc... So he went from never wanting DC to going full pelt into this pregnancy.

DP couldn't do enough for me and the boys. He mucked in as Step Dad and everyone got on so well.

Then we lost our baby and things went sour. The first couple of weeks he was amazing. I sobbed in my bed the whole time, couldn't do anything. He did everything for me, took DC to school, cooked, cleaned, fed the cat. You name it.

The main crux came once he decided to stop TTC after our second loss. It affected me hugely and still is massively. I struggle to get through each day without tears.
This has caused a wedge between us and has brought out this side to him that I am not comfortable with. It was only since watching Holby City that I recognised the behaviour.

This sounds like such a cliche but when he is being the DP I know and love he is utterly wonderful. Hilarious, considerate, helpful, affectionate, generous with his time etc.. Then he can turn into this person I don't know and don't know how to deal with. All from me being upset.
When I cry he says he can't handle it anymore that this is how its going to be forever unless he agrees to having a child. That I'm emotionally blackmailing him etc..

We went away to a spa weekend last weekend. To get away from the daily triggers and spend some quality time together. He casually dropped into conversation that his friends were expecting a baby, knowing full well it is my biggest trigger. I cried my eyes out that night on my own in the bathroom so as not to disturb him. He found me on the bathroom floor sobbing. The next day he wouldn't speak to me and stayed in bed most of the day. Refusing to touch me, refusing to talk to even look at me.

This is why I'm worried it is just me. That if I was to finally make peace that I would get the DP I know back and he would stop berating me and behaving the way he does.

I keep thinking I'm looking at it as abuse so that I can blame him for all this hurt when I think it is me. It is my fault I can't make peace with this.

FrazzleRock Fri 24-Feb-17 16:06:24

Sorry for another long post. I also wanted to thank you for that link. I had a read and can see some resemblance. though doesn't tick all of those points.
Quick Attachment and Expression - Yes
Frightening Temper - I wouldn't say frightening, but a definite issue with temper and patience.
^ Killing Your Self-Confidence^ - Yes. Particularly "walking on eggshells" and "making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong"
The Mean and Sweet Cycle - Absolutely
Entitlement - yes to a certain extent. He often says in arguments that I don't appreciate him. Despite showering him with thank yous and telling him I know how much he does for me.
^ Your Friends and Family Dislike Him^ - Quite the opposite. Everything thinks he's brilliant. Probably because he doesn't take any shit and is incredibly open and honest.
Discounted Feelings/Opinions - Yes

AtticaSilver Fri 24-Feb-17 16:07:44

Frazzle, from everything you say it is not you! I don't know how any vaguely compassionate human being can leave a distraught person crying on a bathroom floor and then spend the next day ignoring them. That's brutal.

I am in the process of divorcing my EA H after 15 years together and 11 of those married (we have a 14yo DS). My H is moderately EA (and I've been watching the Isaac and Dom storyline with increasing horror and muttering "leave him" at Dom on a regular basis), but my H's behaviour has never come close to the behaviour that you're describing from your P. I'm so sorry about your mcs and wonder if depression resulting from your loss is hampering your ability to see your P's behaviour for what it really is and perhaps you are punishing yourself by blaming yourself for his behaviour? (sorry, I'm not a psychologist and am probably not explaining this well, but I've had 4 mcs and know the turmoil in both body and mind that I experienced after them, it's hard to think straight when you're grieving, especially if you're not receiving support from the person who should be giving you this.)

Your P clearly doesn't want children, from what you describe is very controlling and manipulative, and I think has many issues of his own, including an anger problem, which aren't your responsibility to fix. He is making you desperately unhappy, this is real abuse, and you are not being sensitive. By telling you you need to sort this out yourself without his or anyone else's help, is he not trying to isolate you, to remove you from the assistance of people who might counter his point of view and thus give you strength?

Our life partners are meant to be there to support us, to comfort us, to build us up, and we do the same for them. This person is not doing those things for you and he does not deserve you. Splitting from an abusive man is a hard thing to do, and most of us keep trying long after we should have given up. It has taken me a long time to see my H's true colours but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with an abusive man and I hope you'll be able to see that your P is one of these too. flowers

FrazzleRock Fri 24-Feb-17 16:21:46

Hi Attica I don't know how any vaguely compassionate human being can leave a distraught person crying on a bathroom floor and then spend the next day ignoring them. That's brutal.
Yeah I think it is too, but I have been like this since DP said no more TTC last May, so I can kind of understand how draining it can be. It is why I now hide away when I need to cry, but he found me as it was a hotel room so not terribly private. Its not fair on him to keep being such a burden. I don't blame him for having had enough.

AtticaSilver Fri 24-Feb-17 16:43:07

Frazzle, even if he's finding it too much that you are grieving, he has no right to "berate" you for feeling the way you feel. Have you had any counselling or tried ADs? It sounds like you are trying to cope with this entirely on your own and it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help from your GP and get referred for counselling.

It seems to me there are two separate issues here, the immediate one of your grief relating to the MCs and no longer TTC, and then his abusive behaviour towards you (not just in relation to TTC) whenever you show sad emotions. Being with someone so emotionally disengaged and harsh must be incredibly difficult. And do you want someone this strict and disengaged as a father figure for your DCs?

Please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. And please get some help if you can. Talking to the right person (and you may not find the first counsellor you see is the right person) might really help. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

TheSnowFairy Fri 24-Feb-17 17:03:22

Frazzle he really doesn't sound very nice at all.

Like telling you about his friends with the baby. Bit like when Isaac said to Dom right, are we a couple, let's be honest, oh and I slept with someone.

If your partner is like Isaac I would be running far far away shock

FrazzleRock Fri 24-Feb-17 17:38:06

I'm on AD's and we have been going to Relate weekly since mid January. I was on the waiting list for counselling then had a couple of sessions after waiting 8 weeks. My therapist said because we go to Relate she couldn't carry on therapy with me, due to conflicts and it would be overwhelming for me to do both.
Relate is very expensive and DP says it's diminishing returns now so we should make next week our last and I should go back on waiting list for 1:1 counselling.
I'm also seeing a psych nurse once a month who does CBT with me, though I'm not sure I'm able to relate to her techniques very well.

The AD's were great to being with. I didn't cry for a whole week! But the tears came back. Plus anxiety is quite bad, especially around DP and pregnant women.

I feel like I've painted DP to be a monster. He does absolutely listen to me and almost forces me to talk to him when I'm obviously troubled. But this can so often cause conflict that I can't handle.
Please don't get me wrong, he has been utterly brilliant until perhaps May/June time. I guess he's just run out of patience.
I'd hate to be around someone who is struggling so much all day everyday.
That can test the patience of a saint.

I often tell him at Relate sessions that all it takes is a hug and compassion when I'm low. He does this, but then soon becomes distant and that's when the affection withholding and berating begins.
It's so hard.
I desperately want to go back to how we were before all this happened. Life was perfect and exciting. I was so smug having finally found an 'adult' who treated me so well and did don't use me or take me for granted.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 24-Feb-17 18:06:45

Hi Frazzle,

re your comment:-

"I desperately want to go back to how we were before all this happened. Life was perfect and exciting. I was so smug having finally found an 'adult' who treated me so well and did don't use me or take me for granted".

Its not you, its him. He is the root cause of your pain. "Walking on eggshells" is code to my mind for "living in fear".

Re your first sentence that won't happen because this man is not the person you thought he was. The nice man was a mirage; he acted just nice enough and long enough to draw you properly in. Its an act he put on for you and now you are seeing the real him because he cannot maintain the nice act for very long. He is still an abuser but a different grade to the abusive men you have met before so perhaps that is why you have had confusion about whether he is or not infact abusive. I put it to you that he is abusive.

Your boundaries in relationships have remained too low (the quick attachment to you should have been a huge red flag as is the mean and sweet cycle and his reputation amongst people who have crossed him ) and he has taken full advantage of any residual issues you bring from any previous relationships as well. I would think that Women's Aid Freedom Programme would be of great benefit to you going forward as well; its not too late to do that.

Abusive men can be and are often very plausible to those in the outside world. I would describe this individual as a street angel, house devil.

His treatment of you at the spa weekend was totally unacceptable.

I would now cancel the last Relate session; its not doing you any good and you should never attend joint counselling sessions with an abuser. It would be of far more benefit to you to have counselling on your own and without him in your ear.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from both you and their very strict to them stepfather?. They see and hear far more than you care to realise and wonder why you cry daily; its because of him and his abusive treatment of you. This is about power and control and he wants absolute over you all.

He does not have to tick all the boxes to match the Loser profile; what you have stated further about him from that profile that Dr Joe Carver wrote is extremely concerning to me. He also wants to deny you your own very real feelings; that is not the action of a caring man but a selfish one. He thinks you have no right at all to be sad.

I do think you are co-dependent and that pattern of behaviour in relationships is extremely unhealthy for you.

I sincerely hope you will see him for the person he is and ditch his unrepentant backside. His are not at all the actions of a caring and or otherwise loving individual; he only cares about getting his needs and wants met here.

The Miscarriage Association are also well worth contacting.

FrazzleRock Mon 27-Feb-17 15:41:09

Thank you Attila I do appreciate everything you say.
My children do not see me cry, though I am sure they are aware of my misery. I've realised quite how much he makes people fall in love with him. Like I say, my children think he's utterly brilliant, and he is incredible with them, but they have formed such a huge bond with him (despite the strictness), hugging him lots, and my youngest often tells him he loves him. Even the cat worships the ground he walks on. She follows him the the loo even, literally will not leave him alone. He cannot sit down for 30 seconds without being jumped on by either the cat or the children.

But something caught my interest yesterday. I asked him about his mum. I said. As his dad re-married, I said "did your mum ever meet anyone after splitting from your day". DP said "no, she was too scared of men"
I asked why and he said she just was, and it is part of her condition (she has mental health issues). I didn't want to keep pressing him on it but I do wonder if his dad had anything to do with her feelings towards men.
I really feel for his mum, she's such a sweet lovely old lady sad

FrazzleRock Mon 27-Feb-17 15:42:53

*" from your dad" sorry, I type fast so as not to forget what I want to say and realised there are loads of errors!

georgethecat Mon 27-Feb-17 20:23:11

I actually feel his coldness from your posts.

FrazzleRock Mon 27-Feb-17 22:11:49

He's doing it now. We went to Relate tonight and things got really heated. I cried a lot.
Now he won't listen to me and he won't hug me or look at me. I feel so alone. When I said I just need a hug he said "it's all about what YOU want".
He wants to be left alone.
Seriously, all I've ever asked for is hugs and compassion, nothing else. That must be selfish of me. I've come upstairs to bed. I need a hug so much it hurts.
I just yelled at the poor cat because she weed on our bathroom floor. Like properly yelled. DP came up to ask what that was.
I don't even know what he said afterwards, I was too busy cleaning up cat piss. I think he told me to leave it and he'll do it but I said no. Then I shouted "I wish you'd just be nice to me" and he came up again asking what I just said.

I went downstairs to apologise for yelling. I said it's all too much for me right now and I lost it and that I'm sorry. He didn't even look up at me.

I tell him I'm sorry that everything is my fault, my mind. It's ME who can't make peace with our losses and can't make peace with not having another child. He shouted at me saying it's not all about me. Yet he berated me and points and wags his finger at me like I'm a child.
I just don't understand him at all. How can any human being be so cold when the woman he supposedly loves is in so much pain?
Do you think he knows he's doing it? Or is it just learnt behaviour that he thinks is totally normal?
I'd love to know what our Relate therapist really thinks of him.

I don't know how this came up as I was so upset in the car after Relate but I told him that a decent man wouldn't leave a grieving mother who is going through tremendous pain. He said that would be entrapment.
I wasn't talking about him. I was just saying that a decent man wouldn't do that. Entrapment though? Really? Perhaps he knows he's not a decent man so throws words like that at me.

I know I need to leave. I don't know how though. I will look at Women's Aid. I'm so scared he's going to have a disastrous long term effect on my mental health like his poor mother. I feel for her so much. His dad must have been awful to live with.

I don't know how to make all this stop.
I feel like ever since our first baby died I've been constantly punished.
I can't take it anymore, but even if I wanted out, I don't know how. We bought this house and neither of us have spare money to move out. We're totally skint after bills and mortgage and childcare.

Also, I'm still so in love with him. Why?
My heart is breaking again. It just breaks over and over and over.

Sorry, that post is all over the place. Just like my basket case head

AtticaSilver Wed 01-Mar-17 08:52:39

flowers I'm so sorry to hear this Frazzle. I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and things are a bit better this morning. From all you say it does sound like the only way to get your head straight is to have some time apart from him, perhaps you could suggest a temporary separation so you can have some space? Would he go somewhere else for a couple of weeks? You have so much to deal with and he is making things worse, but this is what this type of personality does, they project their own psychological mess onto other people, I assume because it makes them feel better, less screwed up. I know it is tough. I'm divorcing my EA H and we have to stay in the same house until all the financial stuff is sorted, and it's incredibly hard. I try to avoid him as much as possible, it's not easy, but it is easier for me than your situation is, because I'm not dealing with the grief that you're having to cope with. Can you talk to the professionals who are supporting you about how he is making you feel?

WannaBe Wed 01-Mar-17 10:04:39

OP I have read your previous threads, and TBH I don't think it's quite as black and white as is on this thread, although I also agree that laying blame on either side isn't necessarily helpful.

The problem with emotions is that we all deal with things differently, and while it does seem evident from this thread that you have actually made progress towards coming to terms with your MC's, the reality is that your reactions previously were very difficult for other people to comprehend, because of the fact that you expected those people to react in similar ways to you, i.e. Having named your baby, deciding the sex etc, wanting to keep that baby alive in memory even though it was an early loss, something which people were uncomfortable with and which triggered your fil's comments which while insensitive were understandable given the context.

And reality is that some people do find it difficult to process other people's emotions, and while the relationship started out fun and happy the fact that you had such an early loss means that it needed to become much more serious more quickly than might otherwise have been the case.

The truth is that there will always be people on MN who are happy to shout "abuser" on a thread. But in this case it seems much more complicated than that.

If I'm honest I'm not sure whether the relationship can come back from such an intense situation, but I don't necessarily think that either of you is in the wrong. You saw those mc's as babies, your DP who didn't want children now has decided that TTC in the future is a definite no, and that might possibly be in response to your reaction to the miscarriages, or it might just be that because he never wanted children in the first place he now wants to go back to that stance, he would have wanted the baby you were expecting but now that you have miscarried he sees no reason why he would want to continue to plan for something which wasn't in his life's plan to begin with.

But those two views are such poles apart that I'm not sure that there's a middle ground where you can both see each other's point of view but be content with things the way they are now that everything has changed.

Silent treatment is never helpful, but I'll be honest, neither is over emotional. Again, you both need to reach some middle ground where you can communicate with each other without having to resort to shutting down (on his part,) or ending up too emotional (on yours,) but there has to be give and take on both sides. If not then it may just be that the relationship has run its course, something which might naturally have happened anyway given you've only been together for two years or so.

FrazzleRock Wed 01-Mar-17 10:56:58

Wannabe thank you for your post. I understand what you have said. However, I can't help but wonder if I'd have been able to manage my grief a whole lot better if I'd had compassion and comfort from the man I love, instead of being treated like a naughty school child, having his finger literally pointing at me, centimeters from my face, when he talks to me in his angry tone whenever I am struggling. Then he berates me if I don't talk to him.
All I want is a cuddle from my partner and for him to have my back and lift me up. All it would take is a genuine cuddle to do this. Just show me he cares and loves me and is willing to help me, just as I would do for him.
He does cuddle at those times of despair, but straight afterwards will punish me by withholding affection and berating me, telling me how much he does for me and my DC, deliberately triggering me, and just basically refusing to be nice to me, when my need is so simple. But I can't then say that he hasn't cuddled me because he has. He has done what I asked for.
Someone who can sit back and watch the women he loves desperately ask to be held after breaking down, and telling them to "Shut up" is not the action of a compassionate human being.
He watches me cowering in the corner as I say sorry over and over and over again for my grief and triggers, while he glares at me with hate in his eyes and tells me off and emotionally kicks me further down into the black hole.

I get the feeling he does not actually want me to overcome this. If he did, he would be loving and caring and compassionate.
I almost feel like he enjoys watching me suffer, gives him the chance to be challenging and confrontational - which I know for a fact he enjoys.
He was bullied mercilessly as a child at school, so I do wonder if it is some kind of power thing, now he's an adult. I'm not even sure he is aware he's doing it.
He seems to think it is normal behaviour - obviously learnt from his dad.

Just my view though, I guess.

What I do find confusing is in his cards to me; Valentines, Birthday, Anniversary... he tells me he is there for me. But how? How is he ever there for me when he behaves this way? He's made me scared to talk to him and scared not to talk to him.
I wake up in the morning wondering if he is talking to me that day or if he is going to be nice to me.

In fact, I read this article and cried the whole way through as I could relate to all of it:
www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-rodman-licsw/youre-not-going-crazy-5-s_b_8889808.html

FrazzleRock Wed 01-Mar-17 11:03:51

Attica that must be so difficult sharing a house with someone you're divorcing.
I did think this morning that we need a break. I know he is not good for my health and, as Attila has said, he is not good for the DC either. I am really concerned they will see the way he treats me and think that is normal to hurt someone who is desperately sad.

I make sure I cuddle them as much as possible.

You know, when he's being nice, when I've not been triggered, everything is wonderful. We are so in love and so affectionate and we enjoy eachother's company so much.

I just wish that I could get better, make peace with our losses. Then everything would be fine again. And I am trying to do this. I am getting help, its just difficult coming home to be pushed back again.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Wed 01-Mar-17 11:38:22

The Isaac /Dom story is the most brilliant piece of accurate writing about an abusive relationship. What is amazing is that the writers focus on the gaslighting, the games, the behaviours, the narcisstic traits rather than violence. Holby will be robbed if this story doesnt pick up awards.

If your relationship bears any resemblance at all to this story then you need very seriously to plan to leave the relationship. I havent read your posts in details (apologies if that is rude) but you mention love bombing, moving very quickly into a serious relationship, interest only in himself and views, withholding affection etc. They are all major red flags. Sorry.

WannaBe Wed 01-Mar-17 12:10:33

OP, no, there is no justification for those kinds of extreme reactions on his part. You say you don't think he realises that he's doing it, have you spoken to him about it?

And please don't think that getting past the miscarriages will make things go back to the way they were. The reality is that your relationship has likely changed irrevocably now. And as much as the losses cannot be undone, there are other lines such as his behaviour which once crossed are very difficult to come back from, if you even want to, which personally, I wouldn't.

IMO a break is a good idea.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Wed 01-Mar-17 12:24:23

Frazzle I recognise you from the PCOS thread. When you posted there about his reaction to your miscarriage, it was awful to read.

This is not your fault. It's not you. It is absolutely him. He's essentially telling you he wants a carefree partner, no stress, and putting responsibility for that on your shoulders. He is stifling you so you don't effect his life.

I can't imagine having DH upset in front of me and me wanting to anything other than make him feel better. Can you?

He is emotionally abusing you, you are walking on eggshells to keep him happy. And he is going to be the reason you do not try for dc, whether you want to or not.

I am worried you are trying desperately to hold on to the idea that you had when you were first pregnant. You suddenly imagined a family with him and the idea made you happy, but that isn't the reality you have now. Now you are looking at a stressful future with you questioning if you should ask for what you want or should you keep quiet because he will become confrontational, will withhold affection or make you feel bad.

You honestly deserve so much more than thisflowersflowers

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Wed 01-Mar-17 12:34:21

Also, and I am not posting this to make you feel bad, but I have been struggling with infertility for the last few years. It has made me heartbroken at times.
My DH is a logical, articulate man who has a very rational reaction to things (fertility meds didn't work - me crying, him saying it's ok, must be the wrong dose. We'll try again next month etc).
BUT he has held me when I've cried, without asking. He often doesn't understand the trigger, doesn't really 'get' my upset, but he doesn't want me to be distressed and will do whatever it takes to help me. And this is a man not known for his patience.

You want reassurance, cuddles, someone who listens and is there for you, but you are here wondering if you're asking for too much.
You aren't. What you need is perfectly reasonable.

FrazzleRock Wed 01-Mar-17 13:44:27

Thank you IsIt, wannabe, and childmaintenanceserviceinquiry

IsIt - yeah, I have to ask for a hug. He's even said in the past "well you didn't ask for a hug!" I'd have thought a hug would be obvious when I'm crying. I have said in Relate session that my natural reaction when someone is upset is to want to hug them. I genuinely have not met anyone who doesn't want to do the same. But he says that it isn't his natural reaction. Funny, when it always used to be. When we first lost or little one he was amazing, hugged me, rocked me to sleep, stroke my hair, really took care of me. He cared.
When I started to feel better he didn't need to do that as often and things started looking brighter. When my grief came back again after he told me he didn't want to try again, that is when he couldn't hug me any longer. That is when all of this started. He does not want to help me to make peace with his decision. He wants me to continue feeling shit, from what I can tell.

I just cannot seem to come to the realisation that our relationship, that was so amazing, so perfect, so fulfilling, has turned to this. All because he cannot be compassionate. It hurts such a lot. I feel like I've not only got to grieve for my babies, but I have to grieve for the person he used to be (and still can be). I'm not sure I am strong enough to deal with it all.

FrazzleRock Fri 03-Mar-17 00:34:07

He's been berating me again tonight.
Why does he not see how much hurt he causes me?

I told him he scares me. I told him I'm not strong enough to deal with the "conversations" he wants to have. That I don't want us to separate but that my mental health is deteriorating and I can't take anymore.
He said I've been a cunt to him
In the analogy of relationships being a bank account he said that I am so overdrawn and he puts into the "bank account" so much, while I take take take.
I asked him how. He said my desperation for another baby. That it's like constantly being prodded by a 3000 watt cattle prod. I told him that all I've been saying to him these past few weeks is that I am actually desperate to make peace with his decision. And all I need is hugs, kindness, support, and compassion from him.
He said he's been doing that for a year.
He really hasn't. And yes I get sad about not trying again, but all I need is support and kindness, not telling off. He said I only ever talk about babies. But he keeps forcing me to tell him what is on my mind, so how can I win?
He told me I'm to blame for getting pregnant in the first place, that I knew he didn't want children and I told him I couldn't get pregnant. Yes I did tell him this. Up until then I could not get pregnant without a lot of intervention and a lot of patience and time.
But he blames me.
I said can't he understand I am grieving and can't get better without love and compassion.
He said that people lose babies all the time. I said yes and their husbands are there for them and care for them and hug them. He said, "you know that for a fact do you!? Everyone who loses a baby gets that!?"

See. He actually refuses to believe that compassion is a normal human response.

I'm so tired. I can't sleep, I had a mini panic attack and nearly threw up.
All I ever ask for is a hug and love. But he tells me I'm a cunt and take take take, and that I have "daddy issues"

This can't go on can it.
But I still love him. So very much
Why is that? Why do we love people who hurt us?
He's gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa and here I am in bed with his shirt wrapped around me and grasping the beautiful Valentine's card he gave me, telling me how much he loves me.

I just want him to be nice and stop hating me.
I am also desperately grieving for my darling little babies.
I know this sounds selfish and "woe is me" but why is this happening to me?
Why am I being punished so much?
I feel like my heart has broken into a million pieces

FrazzleRock Fri 03-Mar-17 00:42:32

And this is the card he wrote me..
if he thinks I'm a cunt then what is all this about?
"I am always here for you"
All I'm getting is the opposite. He's not here for me at all. He wants the absolute best for me, yet he's happy to break me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now