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I need to up my game.

(15 Posts)
EssieTregowan Fri 24-Feb-17 10:55:23

Dh is unhappy. He is currently working 60 odd hours a week. We have significant cc debt, which isn't unmanageable but he wants it gone quickly.

I have taken over all the household stuff he used to do, putting the bins out, bedtime for the youngest, he doesn't do any washing or cleaning now.

I have an issue with alcohol and I'm in treatment, at one point I was drinking two bottles of wine most nights. With therapy I've got that down to three bottles a week but I need to stop completely.

I have significant MH issues (Bipolar, bpd and anxiety) which means I am tired a lot of the time and have no motivation and struggle at times to leave the house. The flip side is mad spending binges (hence the debt) among other things.

Dh is under so much pressure and I'm afraid he's going to crack. I try to do as much as possible for him, cooking his favourites, regular sex and affection, making sure he has plenty of free time (he goes out at least three evenings a week to do various hobbies).

I need to do better. I need to not spend any money (he literally spends nothing on himself, won't even buy a book or cd). I need to be a better housewife, all the kids are at school and I have no excuse really not to have a pristine house.

The focus has been on my needs for such a long time and I need to flip it and make him feel cherished. I have no idea how though, I'm a mess.

I'm terrified he's going to get to the end of his rope and bail out.

Please help.

EssieTregowan Fri 24-Feb-17 11:05:46

He also has to do quite a lot that's unavoidable. I'm not allowed to drive anymore so all the ferrying of the kids is down to him. We don't live near a shop so he has to get bread and milk etc. Im also not allowed to pick up my prescriptions (weekly) so he has to do that and keep an eye on my meds.

I feel like I'm ruining his life.

pallasathena Fri 24-Feb-17 11:34:43

This is your paranoia talking isn't it? From what you describe, your husband is totally committed to seeing you succeed on the road to recovery and he's prepared to work at the marriage 'in sickness and in health'.
You appear to have a national treasure in your husband and you are doing everything you can to show him how much you care, how much you appreciate his total commitment and dedication to you.
My advice would be to keep on with the rehab, the reduction in drinking, keep on telling him how much you appreciate him and quietly recognising perhaps that some people have what's called 'rescuer' tendencies. Just maybe, he likes being the one to rescue you from yourself. Just maybe, it makes him feel special. Just maybe, he loves you so much he would rather work all the hours than see you without.
To address your other fear. You can't stop someone from leaving. He shows no inclination to so you're probably being a bit paranoid even thinking it but sometimes, our deepest fears are rooted in something that's happened in the past.
Just maybe, that 'something', has its roots in abandonment issues from way back. If so, you need to address those issues in order to understand why you feel as you do. Maybe, the excess drinking, the debt, the fear of abandonment are all linked?
Maybe, you just need to be kind to yourself and just accept that you are well loved and deeply appreciated by a man who would do anything for you.

EssieTregowan Fri 24-Feb-17 11:51:55

Thank you. That's a lovely post.

Dh really is amazing but I think everyone has a limit and I'm so worried he's going to reach his.

I'm useless really. For example, I cleaned the house yesterday and cooked a 'big' meal, did some washing and put ds2 to bed. Today I'm wiped out and have only got up to get ds's breakfast before coming back to bed.

HandbagCrazy Fri 24-Feb-17 12:07:28

You're not useless OP, you're human. You're doing well - you're taking your meds, looking after your family, working towards being alcohol free. You're doing a lot. It might be a good idea to sit back, remember how your life was a year ago / 2 years ago and really appreciate how far you've come.

Has your husband actually said that he's struggling? To me it sounds as though he's working a lot of hours but balancing that with you picking up the slack at home. He's still enjoying time with the children by being the driver, he's supporting you and taking time for himself too (his hobbies). If he hasn't said anything, I would say you've got the balance right.

It is really important that you give yourself a break I think. Why do you need a pristine house? Surely clean and tidy is good enough? Your health is priceless - you need to look after you or you'll be out of action and DH will need to do everything.

gleam Fri 24-Feb-17 12:12:01

Can you shop online for bread and milk or use a milkman?
Could you get your prescriptions delivered? My neighbour uses this service and seems very happy with it.

EssieTregowan Fri 24-Feb-17 12:17:37

The milkman doesn't deliver here, not sure why.

I'll look into getting prescriptions delivered, although the pharmacy might not allow it as DH is supposed to hold my meds.

Dh hasn't really said he's struggling but he's not himself.

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 12:22:19

Hi EssieTregowan: well done in cutting down your alcohol intake. Its a huge step. You should take advuce form your GP, but you should try and stop completely. I lived with someone with alcohol dependency until recently. He was always more short termpered and tired after drinking, even a small amount. Especially with your mental health issues and on medication, stopping the alcohol and using another healthier crutch will improve your life. It is tough for the first few weeks but once you get passed the habit, it becomes easier.

I'm not saying never drink again. Do you exercise? Look into starting exercising more, even if it is just a walk in the daylight. Increases your serotonin.

Good luck. You sound like you are on the right path though and you have a supportive DH.

pallasathena Fri 24-Feb-17 13:19:31

Working 60 hours a week would make me unhappy too. He's exhausted. 12 hour days over a long period of time, the stress of debt and holding it all together for the family is very likely taking its toll.
He needs seriously looking after if his health isn't to fail. You're exhausted? Imagine how he feels......

EssieTregowan Fri 24-Feb-17 13:23:04

Exactly. That's what I mean. I'm just not a functioning person and it's pathetic. He's working all the hours god sends plus everything else he does and I can barely manage to get of bed.

I have got up and dressed now, sorted all the clean clothes and hung another load out. I need to tackle last night's dishes but I need to sit down and collect myself first. It's ridiculous.

pallasathena Fri 24-Feb-17 14:23:51

Its good that you've got up and are tackling some chores because going back to bed feeds into a dependent passivity. And that's not healthy.
Nothing can change if you're functioning at minimum capacity.
What you need to do is focus outwards rather than inwards and this is a brilliant start.
Go you!
Try re-framing things. I'm a great believer in 'fake it 'till you make it'. It works for me every time. If I tell myself I will become awesome at producing a romantic dinner for the two of us - guess what?
Positive thinking, fake it until you make it. Life's too short to be unhappy and full of regrets. Seize the day, keep with the programme, tell your husband how much you love him and share those fears and concerns.

PaterPower Fri 24-Feb-17 14:36:19

You sound like you're doing all the right things here - and you should be very positive about that, I'm sure he's noticed and appreciates it.

Well done for doing so well with the drinking. You'll get to the point where you cut it out completely soon, and I think that'll help your energy levels (3 bottles a week is still a substantial intake and it'll be affecting your energy and mood).

Keeptrudging Fri 24-Feb-17 14:42:36

When I've got slumpy like that, I've set myself a goal of completing 3 tasks that day. Upbeat music on to sing along to badly while i do them. I also take a multivitamin as I think it's possibly winter/low levels of sunlight affecting me.

EssieTregowan Fri 24-Feb-17 15:13:21

That's pretty much what I've done today. I've done the kitchen now and had something to eat, the kids are dressed and the house is tidy (ish).

I'm also not drinking tonight which is probably my first Friday night in years sober. It's quite a big deal for me, I very much self medicate with booze and it's a hard habit to crack.

Keeptrudging Fri 24-Feb-17 15:27:35

Well done though, you're getting there slowly and trying your best. Baby steps. You've achieved something today, try to focus on achievable goals rather than giving yourself a hard time for not being perfect. Try to spend some time outside too, I'm convinced lack of fresh air/daylight affects me badly.

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