Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am bullying my partner

(89 Posts)
loopdesoup Fri 24-Feb-17 09:37:59

Help.
I'm not expecting kindness here, but advice would be good.
Partner and I have been together for a number of years, we have 2 DCs together. Yesterday I asked DP why he seemed reluctant to marry, it has always been what we have both wanted and yet, it still hasn't happened. I am ready to marry. DP tells me he's still not ready to marry me yet, but wants to. We dis cussed the reasons why.
He feels bullied by me. I agree that I can be quite venomous with my words and am in therapy for depression (have been for 3 years.) Talked about this before with my counsellor who seems to believe it's a side effect of DPs neglect for my thoughts and feelings. He can be very cold, lazy and slobbish at times, making v little effort around the house or with himself. I'm not sure this is really an adequate excuse for the way I'm making him feel though.
I asked DP to do what makes him happy and to look after his self-esteem and to leave me. I love him and he deserves better than to be worn down by my often nasty outbursts.
He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave.
I've no idea what else I can do? I'm in counselling, I have rages sometimes that make me feel so angry towards him; he can be so ignorant of my needs and our family's needs that I then become nasty with him. He says I speak to.him like dirt..
I know it's not excuse.
I don't want to be a bully.
I don't want my children witnessing me being a bully towards their father.
I don't want DP to have to be with me like this.
I want to get married
I want us to be healthy and happy
He doesn't want to separate. I'm trying to break these behaviours in sessions with my counsellor, but often it boils down to my frustration with DP. What can I do now?

Oliversmumsarmy Fri 24-Feb-17 09:42:46

What about removing yourself from the situation

Northernparent68 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:47:23

I think you need to address your depression first, if I were you I'd go to my gp and ask for anti depressants, and anger management. Your partner may well have depression as well.
Please control your outbursts, my mother behaved like you and it ruined four lives. Think of the effect this has on your children.

loopdesoup Fri 24-Feb-17 10:08:03

Anger management is a definite option, I shall look into it. My father was also a very angry person so can only empathise with the effect it had on you Northern. I don't want to behave this way.

Unfortunately removing myself from the situation is not an option as I have nowhere to go. The sudden upheaval it would create for my children would be huge.

Fernanie Fri 24-Feb-17 10:15:22

Agree with northernparent68. My mum was (is) like this too and it overshadowed every other aspect of our life. It also meant I thought that sort of behaviour was normal, and I repeated it in my first few relationships. It's only because my DH is quite assertive and won't stand for it that I finally got help. If you've been in therapy for 3 years and it's not making a difference then you need to try a different type of therapy, e.g. if you're in talking therapy now, try CBT, or vice versa.

Berthatydfil Fri 24-Feb-17 10:16:01

Awww isn't he a speshul snowflake?
He's lazy cold and slobbish at times and makes very little effort round the house, he's ignorant of yours and your family's needs.

And he's upset you're depressed and cross with him?

No wonder you're angry ?

I'm sure he would prefer it if you just overlooked his "tiny faults" and worked on improving your ability to accept him.

Or alternatively tell him to shape up and you can both work on the relationship together.

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Feb-17 10:18:36

What are the foundations of your relationship like? This all seems very foggy, no one with any self respect would truly put up with what you are putting him through but, likewise I can't see why you are so intent on marrying someone so slobbish & lazy as you put it. This will take a lot of negotiation to repair. I think both of your actions, lack of action & subsequent reactions, are driving you further apart.

Oliversmumsarmy Fri 24-Feb-17 10:45:32

Berthatydfil it is not as simple as that. Unfortunately overtime what has usually happened is that if the ops dp has actually done anything the nit picking and anger for not getting things perfect eventually leads to the dp not bothering to do anything. He is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

Having lived with my mother who after cleaning the whole house would scream at me for hour after hour sometimes for weeks at a time after because there was a cup left in the sink and how I was so lazy that I couldn't even wash up after myself. You get to the point of asking yourselves why you are bothering

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Fri 24-Feb-17 11:19:03

Having lived with my mother who after cleaning the whole house would scream at me for hour after hour sometimes for weeks at a time after because there was a cup left in the sink and how I was so lazy that I couldn't even wash up after myself. You get to the point of asking yourselves why you are bothering

Yeah, this sounds familiar. I stayed at my parents' for a couple of days earlier this week - both made my life a misery at times, growing up. I left a used cup on the side, where I found it, and for a good couple of hours my dad went on and on and ON about the fact I'm a waster, I'm useless, I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I care about nobody but myself, and I'm an ungrateful little cow. All because of a cup.

I had to go upstairs eventually. You just stop trying to please, in the end, because you'll never be quite good enough.

imadeamistake123 Fri 24-Feb-17 11:35:23

Having lived with a bully who had regular rages, I'd say you need to deal with your rages before you can develop a healthy relationship. It's soul destroying to be a victim of someone's rages and over time, the love can't survive.
Only you know whether your feelings of anger are justified but how you behave when you are angry does need addressing.
'Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will break my heart'. This resonates with me hmm
Good luck.

Chloe84 Fri 24-Feb-17 11:38:56

Your DP gets to be 'cold, lazy and slobbish', makes little effort around the house and on himself, is ignorant of your and your family's needs and in return all he has to put up is shouting?

OP, forget about what he deserves. What do YOU deserve? You deserve a partner who takes equal responsibility for the family's needs - in the house and out of the house. Someone you don't have to shout at and then feel like crap because you shouted.

Please don't marry this man.

Chloe84 Fri 24-Feb-17 11:40:00

Do you own a house together or are you renting?

Pallisers Fri 24-Feb-17 12:27:20

Someone you don't have to shout at and then feel like crap because you shouted.

Seriously? She "needs" to shout at him and it is his fault that she feels bad at him for shouting. There truly are posters who believe that in every single situation the man is in the wrong.

The OP has posted that she is bullying, says things that are venomous and nasty and has rages.

Yes her partner needs to look at his own behaviour but making this all about him hardly helps a woman who is struggling with her anger. If she splits from her partner, where does that rage go? I doubt it will go away.

I grew up with a sibling whose anger was like this - she could and would say or do anything when angry. Frankly I often didn't give a shit whether her anger was justified or not - the way she expressed it was toxic and bullying.

That you have a right to be angry doesn't mean it is healthy or normal to express that anger any way you want.

OP, I would try to deal with the depression right off - as other posters said, go back to the GP and see if you can knock it on the head. Then talk to your therapist maybe about how to express your frustration and anger in a healthier way.

BrownEyedLady Fri 24-Feb-17 12:31:19

Is there anyway you can go to therapy together?

Notsandwiches Fri 24-Feb-17 12:38:56

Sorry you and your partner are going through this. Have you considered a systemic therapist? Check it out. Not all therapists are the same.

Anger in itself is obviously not wrong. Your partner is a lazy slob and it is ok to be angry about that. The issue is how you deal with that anger. I'm reading "the dance of anger" at the moment and can recommend it.

MrsChopper Fri 24-Feb-17 12:39:15

OP, I think maybe you need to remove yourself from the situation to deal with your anger and depression. It sounds like your partner can't do right for doing wrong so he might be at the point of not bothering at all as nothing seems to please you. He probably suffers from anxiety and/or depression himself.
Think about the effect your behaviour is having on your DC.
You need to talk to your GO and may need to change to a more suitable type of therapy. Good luck OP.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 24-Feb-17 12:52:40

Berthatydfil

the problem is that its not him that should be responsible for her actions.

and using "speshul snowflake" just tries to deflect the issue.

InTheMoodForLove Fri 24-Feb-17 12:56:43

Someone you don't have to shout at and then feel like crap because you shouted.

seriously ? shock

I am with Imade and beauty

Herdingcows Fri 24-Feb-17 13:13:19

This thread just shows everything that Is wrong with mumsnet.

This abused man is now being ridiculed and blamed for his partners abusive behavior.

Would you blame the woman if it was the other way around? Do women also deserve to be shouted at.

No one does.

Double standards as always on here.

2rebecca Fri 24-Feb-17 13:20:07

It's not clear what is keeping you both together apart from children and inertia. You view him as a lazy slob he views you as an angry bully.
Depression isn't an excuse for being nasty to people.
I agree Relate or similar would be helpful so you speak to him politely and he starts pulling his weight.
I definitely wouldn't be looking at marriage at the moment as you don't sound as though you like each other very much.

Kikikaakaa Fri 24-Feb-17 13:53:15

I think this is quite defining as a toxic relationship. Each adult is behaving in a detrimental way to each other, and this behaviour seems to bring out the most dreadful traits.

Op has taken steps to address issues within herself
DP has not
Relationship therefore isn't evolving and is worsening.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 24-Feb-17 13:56:09

This thread just shows everything that Is wrong with mumsnet.

This abused man is now being ridiculed and blamed for his partners abusive behavior.

I agree unfortunately.

Berthatydfil comments were completely uncalled for.

Poudrenez Fri 24-Feb-17 14:11:40

Berthatydfil you sound like a bully yourself.

OP - well done for getting this out there. I don't think you need to remove yourself from the situation as someone else suggested. You're working on yourself and that's good. So long as your partner is also honest with himself then couples therapy might work? It sounds like you want to be together, but there are large obstacles. Hopefully you can work it out.

Oliversmumsarmy Fri 24-Feb-17 14:13:31

Unfortunately removing myself from the situation is not an option as I have nowhere to go. The sudden upheaval it would create for my children would be huge

Where was your dp supposed to go then she you asked him to leave?

Believe me when I say your children will be glad of a quiet house and probably walking on egg shells around you.

They are probably hoping your dp doesn't leave because then your anger and rage will be directed at those next closest to you, them.

For those blaming the dp, unless you have lived in a household when day after day, month after month you try your best and you still get criticized and shouted at about how you have done something the wrong way and how soul destroying it is. You really wouldn't understand. Eventually you think why the hell should I bust a gut trying to do stuff when the rage if you don't bother to do anything is the same as when you have worked hard and put yourself out.

Maybe the ops dp has just given up. He is going to be the subject of the ops rage whether he does anything or not.

loopdesoup Fri 24-Feb-17 16:00:44

In terms of couples therapy: he won't go. I'm actually receiving couples therapy with my counsellor alone at the moment. I then take homework home for us to do together weekly. Sometimes, DP will happily do the work to.improve things and often, he will refuse.
I don't want to stay in this in between state of together-but-not-good-enough-for-marriage. Therefore I'm trying to make changes, I believe my outbursts have improved enormously over the last 12 months and DP is trying harder too, but it's me doing most of the legwork to get us on track. The shouting is rare: certainly not daily, maybe sometimes weekly, fortnightly at most. I have better awareness than I used to have. Most of the time, we have a good and loving relationship despite the issues, which is why I still want to marry him. Despite his faults, I do love him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now