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DH thinks I am having an affair

(72 Posts)
pombearcat Fri 24-Feb-17 08:39:13

To cut a long story shortish ....married for 8 years ..5 kids between us including one of our own .
His ex cheated on him long-term with a work colleague whilst he was working away ...their relationship ended a couple of years before we met.
DH works away on an ad-hoc basis ...sometimes home for a couple of days before going away for 5-6 days at a time. He hates his job at the moment due to new boss and extra pressure.
I work part time around kids ..crappy wage but trying to keep my foot in the door ready to do more hours as the kids get older ..
Last weekend he was home ..I went out kid taxi-ing but forgot my phone ..the youngest was playing on it and he decided to have a look through and convinced himself he saw an email from a dating site about 'my new account'
I came home to an atmosphere and eventually he told me he had checked my phone and found this email and accused me of having an affair. .I asked him to show me the email ..it isn't there (because it never was!) He accuses me of deleting it .we are now in a horrible atmosphere of enforced civility ..when he is away he messages our DD asking questions about where have you been today ...has mummy been anywhere ..has anyone been round .
I have told him I cannot prove I am not having an affair that as he works away he has way more opportunity to have a fling
This week was my birthday he came home for the day ...I had the day off work ...work sent me some flowers but he believes they are not from work but from someone else despite the frigging card attached
At my wits end ...feel like I am either being accused as a cover for something he is doing or so he has a reason to end things ..or with the stress of his job he is suffering from some kind of paranoia

He has informed me via text that he might be home this weekend but he is not sure, he has taken all his money out of the joint account and has said if I message him he will put in what is needed each day ...which seems like some weird controlling measure

Don't know what to do ....feel anxious all the time and around him which makes things worse

MamaMagellanic Fri 24-Feb-17 08:42:09

This sounds like projection. Chances are, there's an email on his phone about his new account with a dating site. Has there been any behaviour to suggest he could be up to something? Could be a guilty conscience talking. Keep your wits about you.

AnyFucker Fri 24-Feb-17 08:47:18

Projection-classic

LellyMcKelly Fri 24-Feb-17 08:49:23

I bet he's having an affair.

JellyWitch Fri 24-Feb-17 08:49:45

I had an ex like this. He needs to stop projecting and get his head straight - quickly. Also needs to stop abusing you financially!!

Holly3434 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:49:49

He could just be insecure and not believe his luck in having you, so if he prepares his mindbtbat you've done something makes it easier. Don't always assume he's cheated.

Holly3434 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:50:17

Mind that

Aderyn2016 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:52:04

You cannot live like this. If he was my husband I would tell him to put all the money back in the account now and stop this shit or he isn't welcome back home. I would refuse to put up with this level of scrutiny and I certainly wouldn't allow him to question my dc as to my whereabouts. That is not on at all.
I would insist he saw a counsellor/dr as s condition of continuing the relationship. I get that he has been hurt before and a little innocent thing has triggered all the feelings he had in his last relationship but it is not your fault and he has no right to abuse you (and witholding family money is abuse, as it monitoring your movements etc) because of something a previous partner did.

Presumably you are working pt and looking after his children as well as your own. I dont think you can sustain this if he is using his wage as a control mechanism. I think you have to plan for the worst.

PurpleWithRed Fri 24-Feb-17 08:54:19

Is he spoiling for a divorce?

Joysmum Fri 24-Feb-17 08:54:21

This sounds like projection

Not to me it doesn't, it sounds like someone who fears this relationship will end up in the same way as the previous one where he was cheated upon.

I wish I had the answer for you OP. I was in a similar position to your DH in that my ex cheated (and worse) and I was left unable to trust my own judgement too.

Difference is, I didn't ever accuse my DH of cheating just feared he would. That all got to manageable levels for me after a couple of years but tbh, if I had reason to doubt (even if it turned out there was a perfectly good explaination) I suspect it may set me back again.

What's different in your case is that you've been married for 8 years and he's still not willing to trust and accusing you. Unless he is willing to work together to address his issues then you won't ever have the sort of marriage you want because he stands in the way of that.

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Feb-17 08:58:21

Hang on a minute - are you looking after his children as well as your own while he's away?

pombearcat Fri 24-Feb-17 09:01:52

He is insecure and I think the job pressure isn't helping ...but if I confront him about the money he just says he's not withholding it ..he gives me whatever I ask for ..I have explained the 'asking' is demeaning to me but he can't see that .
I am making effort to show more affection and show him how I feel .. but that has only made it worse as I think he sees it as suspicious behaviour. ..it's like a spiralling situation that us going to make me crack
(Already spending time in the shower crying so the kids don't see)

pombearcat Fri 24-Feb-17 09:04:14

@Imperial ..three of the Dcs at home are 'mine' one is 'ours' ...his lives with his Mother at other end of the country is now 20yrs they don't really see each other

Tootsiepops Fri 24-Feb-17 09:05:51

His behaviour is unacceptable.

Has he ever been suspicious or paranoid before in the 8 years you've been together? Is this completely new and out of the blue behaviour for him?

OneLumpOrSeven Fri 24-Feb-17 09:07:56

If he was my husband I would tell him to put all the money back in the account now and stop this shit or he isn't welcome back home. I would refuse to put up with this level of scrutiny and I certainly wouldn't allow him to question my dc as to my whereabouts. That is not on at all.

This.

I'd be fucking furious. How dare he empty the joint account. I'd be telling him to put the money back and if he doesn't trust you then he can bloody well leave. I would not be tolerating this behaviour.

pombearcat Fri 24-Feb-17 09:09:34

He has had a similar episode not long after we married ... but we had friends who lived nearby then and in hindsight I think he used them 'to keep an eye on me '
He is a very proud man and is terrified of being made a fool of and doesn't talk about his feelings unless he has had a lot to drink ...which doesn't help.
I go from wanting to help him to thinking he is having an affair/wanting to leave it's driving me crazy

Holly3434 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:09:39

Does he pay for your 3 D.C.? Do you put money into joint account?

highinthesky Fri 24-Feb-17 09:10:03

Definitely projection. You're OH should keep his own personal sh*t to himself.

Aderyn2016 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:10:08

Stop with the extra affection - he doesn't deserve it and unfortunately you are just validating his suspicions. There is nothing you can do to reassure him - it is in his head now. The best thing you can do is refuse to tolerate it. You have to take your power back regarding the money especially. He is using it to punish and control you and that has to stop. You need to get angry rather than appeasing imo and start thinking of what you can do to protect yourself in the future.

Oliversmumsarmy Fri 24-Feb-17 09:13:00

Sod him. At this point I would be demanding to see his phone not trying to appease him.

You could always call his bluff and tell him if he seriously thought that you are having an affair then you might as well divorce.

I know in RL 3 friends over the years who had dhs who accused them of having an affair. It was the dh who was shagging around not the wife

Joysmum Fri 24-Feb-17 09:13:53

There is nothing you can do to reassure him - it is in his head now. The best thing you can do is refuse to tolerate it

I totally agree and, as I said above, that's from having been the mistrustful partner myself.

Refuse to tolerate it and say that unless you both seek counselling there is no future for you. There are many of us who have been cheated on in the past but have managed to work through this fear well enough to make our current relationship work well.

Kikikaakaa Fri 24-Feb-17 09:14:39

You trying to convince him isn't helping, it can't fix this. He needs some help for this anxiety and paranoia, otherwise you will find yourself jobless, friendless and miserable trying to keep him happy, and then he never will be anyway.

You need to find your strength to stand up for yourself. If he doesn't trust you to that extent then it's over. He doesn't get to call all the shots because he's been hurt in the past. I think you need to call his bluff on this and say 'no more. I will not tolerate this. If you cannot trust me then this is the end of our marriage. That's not what I want but without trust we have nothing' and stop defending yourself - you know you didn't do anything and he has no proof of anything.
I totally get that he was hurt in the past but this is so past ok it's in outer space

Aderyn2016 Fri 24-Feb-17 09:16:03

If my h did this to me, going forward I would insist on half of all family money being put into an account in my sole name, so there is never a situation where he can just cut you off and you have to ask him for money.
His actions have to have consequences. I couldn't live with being constantly scrutinised. This behaviour seems to have been rumbling under the surface for some time now, if you believe he has had friends keeping an eye on you, and I think the time has come now where it cannot be ignored or tolerated by you anymore. You have to deal with it and if you don't feel strong you have to fake the appearance of being strong because living like this is bad for you emotionally and bad for your children.

pombearcat Fri 24-Feb-17 09:18:11

I think you're right re the affection as he doesn't like 'needy' ..I wrote to him (crap I know) telling him how he made me feel that we can't live like this ...that if he wants to go then to say... that I didn't have the strength to play games .
He read it and binned and walked away
All my wages go in plus the CSA for my DC ...he pays in the most but keeps the spare money separate for his living expenses whilst he is away (just typing that it sounds awful)
The money control is made worse by the fact this is what my ex did to me as I was SAHM at the time ....DH knows about this but denies he is punishing me says it's all 'in my head'

EpoxyResin Fri 24-Feb-17 09:18:21

The "welcome to your new account!" from a dating site is classic spam; honestly, they're so common. I bet he found it in your junk folder and it deleted automatically after however many days. If you don't check your junk I bet you wouldn't even know this sort of thing goes in there before it's gone. Bet he thought he was being really clever too, looking in junk when he didn't find anything in your inbox! Stitched himself up royally now hasn't he.

I'm afraid I don't know what suggest. I'd be tempted to ask him if the email was in junk, but I don't think he'd believe this explanation anyway.

Oh dear. I do wish you the best of luck.

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