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Anybody else's partner sleep on the sofa most of the time?

(12 Posts)
LilyArmflaps Thu 23-Feb-17 23:20:32

DP sleeps on the sofa MOST of the time. He's been working away the past 18 months 4 days per week and coming home weekends but lately been on the couch every single night. He used to fall asleep on the couch off and on and occasionally early in relationship but would come to bed early hours or most nights, and he told me he used to fall asleep a lot on the couch on his own as a teen when his divorced mum worked nights, but it's now getting so ridiculous that I think it's way beyond normal. I do think he's "checked out" of the relationship but it's just abnormal! No bedding on the couch but a throw. Even DD who is a teen is asking why he's on the sofa. I asked home recently & gets very defensive when approached as if I've got the problem - says he's been stressed lately. Think this is a cop-out - he's been stressed many times over the years and so does everyone else and they're not sleeping on the couch! It's bad for the back/neck and bad for the sofa surely? And ...well...gross.
Starting to REALLY offend and bother me now.
Anyone know ANYONE like this? No babies or toddlers in the house and he likes to fall asleep to tv on but there was always a tv in the bedroom anyway, so it's not that.

Weloveoptimus Thu 23-Feb-17 23:27:55

My exh did for quite a few years on and off. It used to really upset me and we had many heated discussions about it.
I found it dented my confidence and tbh it seemed disrespectful that he kept on doing it when he knew I was annoyed about it.
When our relationship was nearing the end I was relieved he did it. I couldn't bear it when he occasionally came to bed and I didn't want him near me. It was very sad.

Fernanie Thu 23-Feb-17 23:35:17

We went through a phase for about a year with one of us sleeping on the sofa most nights. We just weren't getting good sleep in the same bed. Got a bit better after we got a king size bedframe and put two single mattresses on it as at least we can't feel each other shuffling about in the night now. Not saying that that's necessarily his issue; just that sleeping separately doesn't necessarily mean anything sinister's going on smile Would you feel better if he had a little cuddle with you in the bed before going to the sofa or would he not be open to that?

HelsinkiLights Thu 23-Feb-17 23:35:38

Bad habit and/or depression.
My Dad was the same until a few years ago. The thought of climbing the stairs to bed was just to tiring to contemplate. If my Mum could physically carry him upstairs then he would have gone to bed.
Also he craved peace & quite so would like to have the time to himself to watch what he wanted on TV.
To be honest though he's always struggled with going to bed & getting out of bed.
Mum took him to the Doctors. His iron & vitamin D levels were very low & for other reasons he is on anti depressants. Plus they got a new sofa which is comfy to sit on but not comfortable to sleep on.
He gets to bed now usually at reasonable time but he has lapses where he loses track of time & stays up all night.
There is a history of bipolar & depression in our family which may have a lot to do with it.

hareinthemoon Thu 23-Feb-17 23:38:43

Stbxh did this for about a year when he was trying to get me to pull the plug on the marriage he'd emotionally divested himself of.

I hope there's a more positive spin on the sofa surfing for you.

MrsA2015 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:40:16

My dad has slept on the sofa for 25 years! (My age) mainly because of insomnia and depression but also because my mum couldn't get any sleep after I was born and is a light sleeper so needed the room to herself, it's just stayed that way ever since.

My now dp sleeps on the sofa sometimes due to night shift/day shift schedule and our own DD, I had the bed to myself for a few months because of co-sleeping and breastfeeding I just found we both slept better in separate rooms. It's never been a bad issue for us and I love the extra space with the bed to myself!

HeddaGarbled Thu 23-Feb-17 23:45:31

No, this isn't normal. I think you've got it spot on when you say he's checked out of the relationship sad

notangelinajolie Fri 24-Feb-17 03:34:47

Sleeping seperately isn't always a bad thing.

My DH doesn't sleep on the sofa but I do slope off to the spare bedroom most nights. He drops off to sleep the minute his head hits the pillow and snores like a pig. Unless I loose my hearing sometime soon I don't think there is anyway of me ever getting a good nights sleep in our bed. We are very close and lots of cuddles and other stuff but the actual sleeping together bit doesn't work for us. I love my little box bedroom, it's my snuggly cave and since I've been sleeping in there I don't think I've ever slept better. Even the the Queen and Philip have seperate bedrooms - it doesn't always mean you are destined for divorce.

Do you snore? Maybe your DH is too polite to tell you?

Inneedofaholiday2017 Fri 24-Feb-17 04:26:14

Same story as 'we love' - my husband has done it for about 3 years and despite many rows and me telling him how much it upsets me he still does it. I've got used to it TBH - but it's def a major crack in our relationship and most importantly his way of avoiding intimacy.

pigeondujour Fri 24-Feb-17 05:40:36

My dad does this (because of insomnia). It gives me and my mum the absolute rage. It basically means when you're sat on the sofa you're sat in someone's bed. Gross. V disrespectful of your husband to keep doing it when he knows it upsets you.

Fernanie Fri 24-Feb-17 09:54:54

@pigeondujour surely the grossness depends partly on what type of sofa you have? If you have removable covers that you regularly wash then even a sofa that someone sleeps on is going to be a lot less gross than one that's only ever sat on but the covers are never taken off and washed.

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Feb-17 10:20:13

He's checked out.

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