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Help me fish and find the truth!

(69 Posts)
Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:37:17

Right, one for all you sleuth investigators out there. Help me!

I need to know if my husband leaving me 11 weeks ago was because he'd met someone. I had a gut feeling since august (not sure if anyone remembers me posting).
Secretive with phone
Staying at work late (bank statements show pub transactions)
Emotional distance
Secretive with internet history
Lost appetite
Snappy with me and the kids
Porn use (even on date nights without kids)
Emotional abuse - made me feel like a spare part and unappreciated
Stopped wearing wedding ring
There's probably more but I can't think of it.

He's changed since he left us early December. Personality transplant. But lately he's trying to be nice but with a distance still. Doesn't want solicitors involved. Wants me to keep the house but won't or doesn't want to help with mortgage. Willing to sign equity waiver.

How can I find out if he's been seeing someone? I've a feeling he's changed all his passwords. Emails and social media. There's got to be a way. Then I'll move on.
Help. X

Doesntfitthemould Thu 23-Feb-17 22:43:55

From that I would say OW.
Can you access his mobile bill?

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:44:31

I've tried. Can't get in online. X

MissSmiley Thu 23-Feb-17 22:45:58

Private detective?

CoffeeDiamonds Thu 23-Feb-17 22:46:20

Does it matter?

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:46:22


Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:46:44

Yes it matters to me. To be able to move on. X

RebelRogue Thu 23-Feb-17 22:47:27

He separated. Move on.

Ecclesiastes Thu 23-Feb-17 22:48:21

OK: he is definitely shagging someone else.

Now you can move on.

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:48:37

Come on girls. Empathy! 19 years and 2 young kids. I'm struggling and I need to know the truth. X

Astro55 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:51:31

If you knew the truth - what would change - it's still 19 years and two kids? You still haven't 'won'

Move on - and get a solicitor whether he wants one or not isn't his decision

FetchezLaVache Thu 23-Feb-17 22:51:32

I think there's enough there for you to assume the worst.

Yes, I completely agree that you need to know, so you can have your closure, understand why he checked out. I'm sure that this will come out in the wash, however.

For now, all you need to know is that this man is not your friend. He therefore doesn't get to decide for you whether you lawyer up or not, and it might be a very good idea for you to do the former.

Good luck.

TheElephantofSurprise Thu 23-Feb-17 22:52:57

You already know. The quest for evidence is a red herring. He's gone. Get on with your life.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 23-Feb-17 22:58:27

Forget "the truth will set you free". It's actually "the truth will piss you right off".

Look I understand this need to find out "the truth" but trust me, when you do find it, it don't change a damn thing. In fact, it's very likely to just hurt you all over again.

Fwiw I'd say with almost 100% certainty that an OW was involved. And still is.

Divorce him quickly while he still feels guilty would be my advicd

Ecclesiastes Thu 23-Feb-17 22:58:54

You can make your own 'closure', you know. You really don't need the details. Don't let this cheating scum diminish you flowers

user1476476739 Thu 23-Feb-17 22:59:12

Hi bones
I posted on your last thread and so get that you need to know what who why etc
Yes for me I had to know , it was traumactic and I have had post trauma once I knew who OW was.
I had to play at been detective, we sat outside where we thought he was going , by chance saw a woman, took down her number plate and bingo, found her car outside his new flat !!!!!!!!
Horrible , yes , devastating as it confirmed all my fears.
Cried and it devestated me.
Stupid twat, still denied but I knew and it it is what it is.
You have to know I think to be able to put the jigsaw together and piece it all together.
It is horrible as it confirms your worst fears BUT it stops all the BS that comes out of their mouths and you get answers.
So hopefully other people will be able to advise you on ways of using technology can help you find answers.
Just plain old detective work got me the answers.

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:01:11

I feel so ugly and unloved. Worthless. X

TheaSaxby Thu 23-Feb-17 23:07:20

Sounds likely. The truth will probably come out eventually without you having to mess around playing detective.

I completely understand your need to know. I discovered my ex's emails to OW then kicked him out. I then became a bit obsessive about their relationship, piecing together any little bit of information to gauge how they were getting on and her past. I wasn't acting like myself and it was draining - ultimately it was a barrier to me moving on.

I'm much improved now but do still get satisfaction when ex tells me he's unhappy with OW (apparently part of the script often mentioned here). Ideally I want to get to the stage where none of it matters a jot to me.

Anyway my point is, knowing about OW didn't help me move on. It just added another layer of not moving on.

Believe me I know how tough this situation is but try to focus on being kind to yourself and realising that you deserve better than a man who did all those things you listed.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 23-Feb-17 23:11:24

Oh op. It really is painful isn't it sad

But I can tell you, from bitter bitter experience, that knowing all the gory details won't lessen that feeling and may well make it worse.

I bet anything that you are not unloved. Just because he has momentarily forgotten your utter marvellousness, doesn't mean that you're unloved or unlovable

It's so so hard but you know st have to just keep on pushing through this shit time. One phrase that helped me was:

It'll be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's because it's not the end yet

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:11:48

I just don't understand men at all. After all our history, struggles, strengths, he can just walk away?? I want to know the reason. X

TheaSaxby Thu 23-Feb-17 23:13:18

I felt worthless too bones. Over the last few months I read an awful lot of self help books and leaned heavily on friends and family to get my self worth back.

It's back and stronger than before cos I got through all the shit he threw at me. You'll get there too x

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:16:42

I'm talking of a man who carried me into a hospital when I was actively having a miscarriage. It's just so hard to believe that he's gone with no concrete proof. Thanks ladies though for your support. Bad night. X

WeeMcBeastie Thu 23-Feb-17 23:17:26

I understand you wanting to know but as others have said, it won't change anything. My ex refused to admit to there being another ow (I suspected one in particular) but only 4 months after he'd moved out, the twat accidentally sent messages meant for her to our oldest dd! He still had the nerve to phone me straight away and tell me 'it wasn't what I thought' 🙄 I know he's a lying arsehole and have just had to accept that I'll never get the truth. I've also had to accept that it won't change anything if I did, he's still a lying bastard and I'm better off without him. You will be too!

user1476476739 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:19:10

Yes I understand you feel unloved , we have all felt like that.
For me he kept denying OW but I knew she was there somewhere.
I knew it was going to floor me, once I KNEW it was another few weeks of hell, but I had answers, felt more in control.
Have never been near them , started divorce proceedings and am moving on. The pain , despair are still there a year on, but we are moving on.
I understand you needing the answers to help move forward as much as that will initially add to the pain.
Go with your gut as only you know what will help you through this awful journey we have to face.

Bones17 Thu 23-Feb-17 23:22:30

I just hope karma gets him one day. Really. X

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