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Feeling lonely

(11 Posts)
Ruby2202 Thu 23-Feb-17 21:36:04

Been feeling bit lonely recently with lack of friends. I ve always struggled with friendships and have had periods of my life feeling lonely so guess this is another one. I wish I could turn it around though. I am not looking to make massive groups of friends as I don't think I will ever be that person and I am not good in friendship groups. I think I have a bit of a warped view of friendships though so this is part of the problem.

When I have made friends it kind of been without me noticing or trying too hard. It's kind of evolved over time. But the other person has made the effort and I ve kind of realised late I suppose that they want to be friends. I definitely seem to miss signals.

Trying to take this on board recently I have just tried to be smiley and be positive and chat to people naturally without thinking about if we can be friends or not. I ve tried not to overthink it and just let it evolve but find it doesn't. So today I found myself sitting on my own at toddler group whilst everyone else is in groups.

I chat to many people and know many people to talk to by face or name or through our dcs but it never seems to evolve into friendship. They just don't seem interested.

Conversations seem to be me asking questions and chatting about mutual topics, usually dcs. Questions aren't really asked back and so the conversation stalls. I guess I must just give out vibes/say the wrong think or give an initial impression which makes people not want to chat to me more than a superficial level. Yet they seem to have made friends with others easily, I observe them being obvious in how much they like other friends and have developed a close friendship with them. I wonder what I ve done wrong.

Dh says is because I never move past the usual superficial conversation which is very true. But it's hard if you feel you're getting nothing back and they aren't interested in being friends. It always ends up with me having to mention meeting up or just stays as small talk every time I see them.

Alternatively, the people I have asked to meet up with and where the relationship has developed has fizzled out after a short while. I feel this is after they get to know me or realise actually they don't like me as much as others. This has happened a lot recently with people I worked hard to try and develop a friendship with.

I am never the person people want to get to know better or must find the time to contact. I always have to do the running with the friends I do have.

Maybe I am just that person? I d love to turn it around though. How can I do this?

kateshair Thu 23-Feb-17 21:51:22

Hi I'm a bit like this myself ...
I've got a small group of close friends but these are people I have know since I was a school leaver I'm in my forties now !
It's taken a long time to totally feel at ease with this group.
I'm awful at making new friends think it's because I'm pretty introverted.
You have my sympathies and I'm all ears if anyone has any useful suggestions smile

Ruby2202 Thu 23-Feb-17 21:58:19

Thanks Kate. I haven't even got that though, previously I would fall out with people a lot for various reasons. I have addressed this but do think I have a funny view of friendship. If I had long term friendships I think I would be ok. I have few but feel they are only maintained because I make the effort.

Howlongtilldinner Thu 23-Feb-17 23:48:35

I could've written your post OP. I'm in my fifties now and really can't be arsed. I observe and study people all the time, and still wonder how some friendships evolve. I have no time for small talk anymore, so if I don't have a connection or common ground, it's a no go.

I always found toddler groups and school playground full of cliques, not my cup of tea. Please don't waste your life worrying if you did, or didn't do, something that makes them not like you, pointless. Friendships shouldn't be hard work, if they are then it becomes too exhausting to continue.

Try and find a group with sincere folk, who will welcome you and make you feel comfortable. Sometimes the less you try, the more you get back..

Ruby2202 Fri 24-Feb-17 07:57:57

I don't feel like the toddler groups I go to see too full of cliques. There are lots of people who know each other already but people are friendly I just never get past small talk. I wonder how others get good friends, especially ones who you don't get much back from.

Dh says people make judgements from the minute you open your mouth and I guess they always judge me as not someone to get to know. Perhaps they've all got their friends already.

Howlongtilldinner Fri 24-Feb-17 20:03:29

I think the way you find a friend is to have a 'connection'. Be it the same interest, love of dogs/cats/crocodiles/teddy bears etc..or just the kind of connection you'd have with a partner..that 'click'. The same humour.

say you were at toddler group and someone said, "I've got a Cockerpoo dog" and you've got one too..there's your connection! That's just a random example, but you get the gist. As we get older we need to have a common ground first. When you're young you don't even consider that, it just flows.

We all make judgements of people, but sincere people see beyond that. Don't stop speaking for fear of being judged.

Ruby2202 Fri 24-Feb-17 21:19:29

Yes I get that about connections I guess I feel like I never manage to make that initial connection. I have interests but not really hobbies. I don't seem to make friends with similar interests anymore or similar views of life.

I have joined two new groups related to these interests but it's not turned into anything. In fact in one of the groups I am beginning to feel left out as people seem to have paired off or are arranging to meet up outside the group but not with me. Story of my life.

WalkingSense Tue 14-Mar-17 08:52:28

I so get what you are saying. I moved to this country from The Netherlands 12 years ago. I often feel lonely, and have sort of given up trying, it's soooo much effort. Always me doing the asking, organising play dates, organising dinner parties, inviting myself over even, becoming a rugby coach, helping out with scouts, joining clubs, but not much happened. People all are too busy, they already have friends. I am not. I don't. My husband gets asked for lots of stuff, but would prefer to sit at home. I never get asked but can't wait to be asked. In my own country I always had 1 close friend, and a group of more functional friends. When I joined a climbing club I finally found my tribe. It took a year or two to integrate in the group (who I initially thought weren't really my type) but now I am still friends with most. We became friends because we all loved rock climbing and hung out together because we needed someone to climb with. Very functional. I did try rock climbing here, but everyone doing it was 20 years younger. Clearly not a mums sport. Not very helpful. Sorry.

WalkingSense Tue 14-Mar-17 08:53:16

Are you anywhere near Surrey Ruby, perhaps we could meet up?

Ruby2202 Tue 14-Mar-17 09:57:08

Thanks, it's nice to know I am not the only one. I too get fed up of making all the effort. I ve examined my personality and know there are aspects to change. I think I am a bit of a different character, I see the world in a different way and that might be the problem.

I have one or two nice friends who do make the effort so I will concentrate on them but also try and make new friends. I just don't think I am a person people take to and relationships take a long time to develop. I find it hard to get past the small talk period.

I am in the south west but thanks for the offer.

Hopethisoneisnottaken Tue 14-Mar-17 21:46:33

OMG Ruby we have such a similar issue... it is my week off and i spent monday brawling my eyes out and feeling so sorry for myself because i didn't have any friends. i moved to uk 12 yrs ago. left my tight childhood friends behind. i hav my bro and sil here 15 min away and extended family 45 min away... i have always made an effort with them as was emotionally dependent on them. but they just never bother with me or my kids... guess they just don't find us interesting enuf.
I wil have one of these miserable days but need to pick myself up. going to a spa alone tomorrow. i just accept it and move in.

one advice though... many times people we consider as just acquaintances can actually turn out to be great friends and for a long time aswell. eg at one of my jobs there was a high turnover of ppl... i used to go out with a few ppl and thought our relationship wud fizzle out. but i left that job and we still stay in touch.. fair enuf we don't meet often... maybe twice a year... but those ppl are still worth holding in to. try and make these ' acquaintances' wherever you can.

i hav given up hope of having anyone close in my life after being let down by family.

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