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Father Issues

(8 Posts)
mysterious1 Thu 23-Feb-17 09:26:16

My father was very abusive to my mum when I was growing up and we were always walking on eggshells around him. He controlled her (ie. made her give him all her passwords to her email account, facebook account, etc), made her loose contact with all of her friends, called her horrible names (fat, stupid, etc). He cheated on her but did not leave him (I later learned that he threatened to take full custody of me and my siblings if she tried). He cheated on her for a second time and my mother finally had the courage to leave him. This had been going on for 15 years till my mother left. I turned 17 when she left him, and have not spoken to him since.

Fastforward 6 years, he sent me an email last night saying that he was sorry and wanted to make contact with me. I know that he has a new wife and family and put my mum through hell when she tried to divorce him. He never paid any child maintenance (despite having a cushy job) for my younger siblings once she left him.

I guess I am just looking for some impartial advice as to what people would do. Part of me feels very guilty but part of me is so angry for what he has done. I was getting on with my life just fine without any contact with him and now feel like all those emotions have come back.

Any advice would be helpful. It is not something I want to discuss with my mum and siblings incase it upsets them as much as it is upsetting me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 23-Feb-17 09:32:28

I would not respond to this e-mail from him but delete it and block him. The question I would also be asking myself is why now?. How did he get your e-mail address?.

I can understand your feeling angry but why exactly do you feel very guilty, you have done nothing wrong here. I also think you need to consider talking about receiving this and your reactions to it with your mother. I would also put it to you that such people like your dad do not change.

noego Thu 23-Feb-17 16:13:02

Similar story here. Went NC 30+ years ago. Never heard a dickie bird since. He is trying to alleviate his guilt.
My DS;s wanted some closure with him, decided to meet him and it turned out to be a manipulative meeting, blaming mum for everything and how innocent he was. Full of BS. He even wrote a letter to the DS's listing the things that went wrong in the marriage and how mum contributed. All lies, trying to persuade them. Mum couldn't defend her self she died 26 years ago. But I could and did. They have since been NC with him.
Sad really he would have had 11 GK's and 10 GGK's. He now lives alone, partially crippled. No friends and no family, hardly ever goes out.
Here this you abusive males out there, what goes around comes around.You reap what you sow.

mysterious1 Thu 23-Feb-17 16:43:45

Thank you for the replies.
Neogo, that you so much for your insight. I do find the timing odd as it is literally out of the blue. It is also interesting about the blaming, growing up all I heard was anything and everything was my mum's fault.

I am glad for the advice, Atilla I am going to call my mum tonight and tell her about this message.

The only thought that has occurred to me is that perhaps his current wife has left him and he wants to regain contact with my mum to control her again.

I am not going to do anything until I have at least spoken to my mum. Would you recommend that I ignore him completely or should I send him a message asking him not to contact me again?

mysterious1 Thu 23-Feb-17 16:44:29

Sorry there was a typo, I meant to say Neogo thank you so much.

noego Thu 23-Feb-17 16:53:51

Ignore, stay NC. Don't open up any lines of communication. It is an avenue for him to manipulate and control you. He will respond and it will be full of apologies, how he's changed blah blah blah.

mysterious1 Fri 24-Feb-17 11:19:15

Just a quick update. I spoke to my mother last night and she recommended that I totally ignore him. I agree with her.

I think my issue is that I feel anger and guilt at the same time for some reason. He is a master of making you feel sorry for him, when the facts say otherwise.

Thank you for the advice, it really helped me.

Ampersand22 Fri 24-Feb-17 18:21:56

I had a similar thing with my grandparents who didn't make an effort to see us after my parents split up when I was 13. Fast forward to when I was 26 and my Nan had died, my grandfather makes an entrance and wants to be my grandfather again. I think something about her dying made him more aware of his own mortality and he wanted a loving family around him again.

I told him to fuck off. Well you would wouldn't you? If he can turn his back on me as a skinny neglected teenager he doesn't get to be my "grandfather" again.

Good luck OP, no guilt now ya hear? smile

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