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Can't sleep.. I think DH has a second phone

(67 Posts)
OhMyNameChange Thu 23-Feb-17 00:16:48

Name changed. I've posted how I'm struggling to move on from DH.

Quick background - been together nearly 10 years, 2 children (2&5). Last September he told me he didn't love me anymore - did the whole script. Moved back to his moms. After searching through his phone bills etc I found out he was having an emotional affair with someone from work. I begged him to come back, he came back in December with Xmas approaching saying he wanted to try give it another go. I then found out he had been out with OW behind my back. I confronted him & he told me he thinks he loves her, but insisted she isn't interested in him like that but can't help how he feels. I was/am heartbroken. So a few weeks later I STILL let him live back with me because I desperately wanted it to work (I know, someone give me a shake). He is still being off saying he doesn't know if he loves me & feels trapped. He no longer has whatsapp, snap chat or FB. He still works at the same place but claims they haven't spoken since I text her asking what she was doing going out with a married man etc (she told me there was nothing between her n my DH🙄).

So what makes me now think another phone?

1. When he gets in his car for work he seems to be sitting on th drive doing something in his car for 1-3 mins instead of just driving straight off

2. I got in his car the other day and his old phone charger (from when his phone broke) was in the passenger door pocket. I said to him "why is this here?" And he said "it's my old phone charger I found it when I was clearing out my car the other day".

3. His phone went flat yesterday & he never bothered to charge it all day

4. He usually leaves his phone on charge at night. He's stopped doing this. I've noticed his charger in his coat pocket so I had a look.. And the wire plugged in to the charger doesn't look like his HTC charger wire but I'm not 100%. The wire says "Belkin" yet he has a HTC?

I need to get in his car some how and see if that "old phone charger" has moved from the passenger door. I'm going crazy but something isn't sitting right with me. I hope I am right so it explains his horrible behaviour.

Lucked Thu 23-Feb-17 00:23:14

He is still being off saying he doesn't know if he loves me & feels trapped

You need to seperate at the moment and give each other space. There is no trust. The phone seems secondary.

BonnyScotland Thu 23-Feb-17 00:27:13

always trust your instincts ... I agree with the delay of him 'sitting in the car' doing something... he's quite possibly checking for messages ...

have you tried ringing the old phone 'number' withholding your number.. as he may have blocked all your numbers.... alternatively.. wait until you know he is asleep... 3am.. and go look in the car .. you might even find the other phone ... x

TabithaBethia Thu 23-Feb-17 00:28:23

Oh dear you poor thing. You know what? Let him go. It sounds over at least for now.

It's so so hard, but this will drive your precious mental health and well being into the ground.

Danicc Thu 23-Feb-17 00:29:43

For what it's worth, Belkin do make phone chargers for all types of phones. I had to buy one for an iPhone when I broke my official Apple one.

BevGoldbergsSister Thu 23-Feb-17 00:29:51

You need to back away and let him decide what he wants.

There may another phone or woman, if not now then eventually. Do you really want to constantly check up on him until it does happen?

Ask him to leave until he decides what he wants, may be you could talk about marriage or individual counselling?

Suspendersformybelief Thu 23-Feb-17 00:33:56

You need to let him go.

Don't cling to someone who doesn't know if they love you? Does it matter if he's got a second phone, look what he's turned you into?

Tell him to leave. Help his other foot out of the door. Your sanity will return when he's gone.

He's been playing the poor trapped, helpless martyr for six months and your grip is getting tighter and tighter. He's only there because she didn't want him and now he's looking for another alternative because he's too much of a coward to just leave.

I'm sorry you are hurting but dig deep and uncover some pride

flowers

avamiah Thu 23-Feb-17 00:42:17

I'm sorry to hear this OP, I was in a similar situation about 11 years ago and I know what you are going through.It is horrendous and totally consumes you as you wake up in the morning thinking about what he is up to and who with and it can take over your life.
You need to move on OP no matter how hard it seems now and concentrate on your little ones.
I know it's easier said than done but you have to be strong.

InTheMoodForLove Thu 23-Feb-17 01:03:53

was going to say this, fwiw >>>For what it's worth, Belkin do make phone chargers for all types of phones. I had to buy one for an iPhone when I broke my official Apple one.<<<

but yes, its kind of secondary as he is telling you he is not sure and feels trapped loud and clear
send him back to his DMom for your own sanity

Nicky42 Thu 23-Feb-17 01:29:20

You've turned into the marriage police. A common side effect to an affair. I did the same - I asked myself, should I be having to police his every single movement to "stop" him from cheating? The answer was, of course, a big fat resounding NO.

Google 'Chump Lady'. Read everything on her website, it will be a massive eye opener for you - it certainly was for me!

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance. You are worth more than this.

OhMyNameChange Thu 23-Feb-17 05:04:56

Ok well I looked like the crazy bitch I am and the charger was still there. I hate this life he just doesn't love me anymore

housewifedesperate Thu 23-Feb-17 05:09:57

So sorry you're going through this. You think you're going mad. I think you need time apart and actually be honest with eachother.

MrsPeelyWaly Thu 23-Feb-17 05:11:32

OP, you poor thing. What a horrible situation to be in. He says he thinks he loves the other woman but she doesn't feel the same way so he's still at home with you.

You deserve so much more than this and its time to be really brave and tell your husband to go. And yes, even when you do it you'll be upset and really scared but you are still being brave.

flowers

CaoNiMa Thu 23-Feb-17 07:17:52

You aren't a "crazy bitch", OP. You are rightfully suspicious. Don't waste any more of your life on this guy.

TheNaze73 Thu 23-Feb-17 07:51:16

I think you need to spend sometime apart. Your gut instinct will probably be right. He's not showing any signs that he's truly into you, you don't trust him & it sounds like you're trying to force sonething that really isn't there. Even if he's not up to no good, you're micromanagement of him, will eventually drive him away. I don't think doing nothing, is an option here

BevGoldbergsSister Thu 23-Feb-17 11:59:25

How are you feeling today? I just want to say you deserve so much better than this!

The initial split is terrifying, but being a single mum is not that bad.

What is your life like, do you work or have hobbies or a good social circle?

HarmlessChap Thu 23-Feb-17 12:22:50

The phone is a red herring and all the points raised are explainable with just one phone. My last 3 phones have used the same cable (Micro USB) to charge them but have been different brands, I pick up whichever cable comes to hand.

The issue is trust and that he's clearly saying that he's not into this relationship the way he should be.

Adora10 Thu 23-Feb-17 12:30:01

The phone is irrelevant, you need to tell him to go OP, or else you will be left with zero self respect; the man has told you, he's there grudgingly; I know it's hard and awful but please he needs to go, if he had an ounce of respect for you he'd already be gone.

Bluntness100 Thu 23-Feb-17 12:39:03

Ah I'm sorry op, but I agree with the others, stop focusing on the phone, it's irrelevant. 😞

plainjanine Thu 23-Feb-17 13:47:40

It sounds like he's staying with you until he can get with her. And if not her, it won't be long before he finds someone else. He's already told you he feels trapped and thinks he's still in love with her. What I don't understand is why you don't set him free.

Please don't do the "pick me dance".

Sorry this is happening to you. flowers

SandyY2K Thu 23-Feb-17 13:51:12

Stop doing the pick me dance and Begging. It seems he only returned because you begged him to.

Would you really want him to stay if if doesn't love you? Out of pity or obligation?

If he's not happy and doesn't love you, let him go. It will only erode your confidence and self esteem.

He'll have no respect for the desperate act of begging and see you needy, clingy and in his mind not so desirable.

My advice would be to implement the 180, in a calm way. He needs to see you have th strength to live a happy life with or without him.

Strength and confidence are appealing qualities.

SandyY2K Thu 23-Feb-17 14:00:08

I begged him to come back

I then found out he had been out with OW behind my back.

he told me he thinks he loves her

He is still being off saying he doesn't know if he loves me

How much more do you really need him to say? He's checked out of the marriage.

Second phone or not, he sees her everyday and she went out with him, so is interested on a certain level.

You don't need to be phoning another woman to stay away from your husband.

I'm not sure why you don't think it's more than an EA, but that's irrelevant. He's gone in all but body for the moment.

LuluJakey1 Thu 23-Feb-17 14:05:07

He is telling you what his feelings are. You are letting him live with you when he is saying he does not love you any more and he loves someone else. If she wanted him he would be there like a shot. If he is not committed to you and making this work- and he does not sound like he is at all- you are being used until the next one comes along.

Take control and chuck him out.

KeiraH Thu 23-Feb-17 15:47:28

It really isn't about the phone is it. Let him go. Stop begging him to come back. Stop banging on that door. Consider the fact that maybe that door closed because you are worth so much more. Nothing that is meant to be causes so much worry, stress or force. If he is unsure and wants to leave, let him. He is not "yours" Don't hold on to anyone who won't have you. He is toxic and you deserve someone to love you and choose you. Sending all the love flowers

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Thu 23-Feb-17 16:14:32

Oh OP, I really do feel for you as tge situation sounds horrible. All the posts above are correct, it doesn't matter if he has another phone-no amount of begging can change his feelings.
Please let him go, it will hurt like fuck at first but a couple of months down the line you'll be happier & you'll look back & think wtf was I doing?
flowers

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