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is it worth 'trying to be friends' on this basis?

(65 Posts)
pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 20:40:56

Began re-kindled r'ship last Oct.
For 1st two months he bombarded me with 'lost love of my life stuff'
(we were a couple many years ago) by phone /email. It was really OTT.
Then, on week 9, I get: 'this isn't right, we must only be friends.' Only he doesn't say that, he just disappears for a week (after 4 x a day contact) and then says it. I felt really upset and that he was disrespectful to me.

So, early Jan we meet, circumstantially, as friends with other people around and it's nice but it's also awkward for me as I still feel pretty hurt by the behaviour end last year. Unlikely to happen again.
I still feel a spark but can see there is no future in anything other than friends. I tell him he hurt me a great deal end of last year and I'd like him to say sorry and then we can go forward as friends, as he wishes.
Only, I am still waiting.
He has been drip feeding a 'visit' (we live quite far apart) which keeps getting delayed (for partially genuine reasons and partly he is ducking it)

12 days ago I get a snarky reply to an email of mine re this 'meeting' plus a promise to call that eve. I then make my own email reply which corrects a lot of inaccuracies in his. I don't get a reply, or the call that night.

This is what I get, 12 days later:

'sorry to have been out of contact for a while. Been busy at work.
You may have good grounds for criticising my behaviour. But you are the only person I interact with who devotes a large % of each communication to criticising me. You might want to ponder whether this is counterproductive. I may be able to meet up but it is unclear when'.

Obv there IS no 'relationship'.
But is it even worth still trying to be friends, on this basis?
Do I try to talk to him about it?
Do I just say: 'happy to meet if you in area' (he wont be, unless for me)
Do I just not bother replying?

jayho Wed 22-Feb-17 20:44:04


beebeecee Wed 22-Feb-17 20:46:48

Why did you split up in the first place?

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 20:47:11


He's a twat.

issynoho Wed 22-Feb-17 20:47:42


JennyHolzersGhost Wed 22-Feb-17 20:48:56

Trying to be friends is never worth it.
Be apart and no contact for six months and then see how you feel. I'll bet you won't want to be friends but if you do it will be a much stronger basis for a lasting platonic relationship.

JennyHolzersGhost Wed 22-Feb-17 20:50:13

And yes don't bother replying. It's always satisfying to leave the bell in your court. Whenever you feel like you might want to reply, go do a little dance around the ball ans appreciate its presence.
I know that isn't a mature attitude but it's an emotionally safe one.

JennyHolzersGhost Wed 22-Feb-17 20:50:33

*ball dammit

Justmuddlingalong Wed 22-Feb-17 20:50:51

Why, when you say he treated you badly before, would you give him the time of day. Is he married?

troodiedoo Wed 22-Feb-17 20:51:47

Friends don't act like dingbats. Get rid.

pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 20:52:27

He turned out to be married (I was 20, he was nearly 40, I was naïve)
I told him to leave, or I would.
He didn't, so i did.
Then, he did but I had moved away by then.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 22-Feb-17 20:54:40

Well there's another reason not to have him as a friend.

pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 20:56:03

JennyHolzer well, I drafted my reply.
Took me about 6 hours.
And I thought, this time, I should leave it, oh, 12 days, to send!
But, actually, maybe I shouldn't send it at all.
And then he can be the one dangling, and wondering.
Immature, I know.
BUT, if i send it, it means I'll just be on tenterhooks for his response, and that isn't good for me?

pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 20:57:37

He isn't married now, he was then (though I didn't know it)

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 21:01:08

Just cut him off and ignore him!
Don't interact!
He was a twat - he's still a twat.
And that is effing that!

Justmuddlingalong Wed 22-Feb-17 21:02:43

He lied. He cheated. He dumped you unceremoniously. He took advantage of your age and naivety. He's trying to suck you in again. Cut all ties and forget him. He's not worth your headspace.

pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 21:09:21

he says is asking for:
'periodic friendly advice from you on what to do or not to do but which is unlikely to make a dramatic difference to my life'.

So why ask for it then? I don't get it?

I suppose it comes down to: am I prepared to go with being classed as a casual friend of someone who behaved really badly (and partially admits it) but who wont say sorry and advises me to 'ponder whether my approach is counterproductive'.

I don't think I am?

2017SoFarSoGood Wed 22-Feb-17 21:13:06

please Pinboard - hit delete and try to put him out of your head. He is not a good person to have as a friend or otherwise. he has proven that more than once. Spend some time where you can meet someone worthy of you.

Twat. BIG Twat.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 22-Feb-17 21:14:49

He's a massive twat, do you really need to ask?

pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 21:19:56

I DO, Costa I am not a good judge of men anyway, but I have no brain when it comes to him at ALL.

I find myself spending hours wondering if it's ME, and how I should change?

Costacoffeeplease Wed 22-Feb-17 21:21:21

You should change by no longer giving a tiny, shiny shit about him and his pompous, arrogant messages

pinboard Wed 22-Feb-17 21:22:21

sorry, if it's ME even...
he says I am too critical, too impatient, too this, too that (I even use too many caps in emails...)
but he keeps coming back? WHY? I don't get it?

AnyFucker Wed 22-Feb-17 21:22:45

Are you totally desperate or summat ? confused

Costacoffeeplease Wed 22-Feb-17 21:23:16

Why haven't you blocked him?

GeorgeTheHamster Wed 22-Feb-17 21:24:27

He's a complete arse. Don't reply. Block him. Move on.

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