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Am I going mad?(27 Posts)
So I've been with DP for two years. Three months into our relationship he kissed someone else and from what I can gather was texting her etc. I found this out 6 months ago and whilst I was devastated, I decided (maybe stupidly) to give him another chance. I genuinely believe that there was no more to his cheating than what I already know but obviously this has made me suspicious about his every move.
He works in a job that isn't particularly sociable. Since working there the only nights out I've ever known them have are the annual Christmas do. But in the past couple of weeks he seems to have a lot of work things come up that have made me feel really suspicious.
He text me last Wednesday and "reminded" me that he'd be out that night for a meal with work. Despite having not mentioned it once and having been in the kitchen with me that morning whilst I took meat out of the freezer to defrost for dinner that night. I reminded him of this and it ended in a huge row and he ended up not going.
He then came home on Monday and said he was going in town on Saturday night with work people. Like I said, this is (as far as I'm aware) completely out of character for his colleagues to do and I didn't realise he worked with the sort of people who would be going to bars and clubbing on a Saturday night. The way he's always talked about them in the past is in a very 'colleague-y' way rather than as friends.
I suppose what I'm asking your thoughts on is - does it sound to you like I'm paranoid and overthinking due to what he's done in the past, or do you think there's more to these sudden work nights out - someone he's getting on with too well at work maybe?
You don't trust him at all, do you?
Save yourself the emotional energy and pain and ditch.
You cannot spend your life with someone you do not trust. Time to cut and run.
I'm with the others, cut & run. It's only been two years, which isn't time to really know someone truly however, long enough to get a flavour. If he's kissing other women after 2 years, what do you think he'll be up to after say 5 or 10.
You deserve better
I don't think you're going mad at all. I think your Spideysenses are tingling and they're right. He's behaving very dodgilly.
At 3 months into the relationship, were you actually exclusive? Had you had that talk?
Find out where he is going and enlist a friend to go with you and follow him?
Thank you for your replies.
Yes it was three months after becoming official/exclusive. We'd been seeing each other "unofficially" for three months prior to that too.
It has been in my mind to follow him and to leave him, but I know this sounds so stupid and naive- I love him. I want to be with him. I want to be able to trust him again but i don't know how to.
I'm aware you're probably shaking your heads as you read this, as I would be thinking "leave him!!!" too if it was me reading this! But it's not as easy when you're actually in the relationship and want to make it work. I feel like a complete idiot.
You can want to make it work but it doesn't look like he does, does it?
The Wednesday night dinner isn't that odd. The Saturday night is pretty unusual. How old are you?
I had an affair several years ago. When I look back I cringe at the way in which I convinced my H that I needed to go to an event which was completely out of character as I was always at home.
If it's completely out of character then go with your gut feeling. He doesn't go out on a Saturday night as a rule, and now he's suddenly decided to go with a load of people you don't know, and just after you thwarted his plans to go out on another night you weren't expecting.
You don't trust him because something's changed. Follow your gut feeling on this. Don't follow him or confront him. You don't trust him anyway so that's it really.
I'm as sure as I can be that he only kissed her. I found out because I'd seen some emails he'd sent to his best friend who lives the other end of the country. He'd discussed that he'd cheated on me and that it had been no more than kissing and texting and knowing his relationship with his best friend, if it had been more, DP wouldn't have held back with telling him.
He's 26, I'm 27, so it wouldn't be a completely crazy thing for either of us to be out on a Saturday night, we do that now and then with friends, but the way he's always described his colleagues has always led me to believe they're much older and friendly enough people to work with, but not the kind of people he'd want to have a big Saturday night out with.
If you only found out 6 months ago then you are still in recovery. He lied for so much of your relationship. He needs to be rebuilding your trust which includes you being able to tell him you feel suspicious & him doing whatever it takes to reassure you. He doesnt get to be cross with you for not trusting him, hes responsible for that. You cant save the relationship by ignoring his behaviour.
Have you asked him directly how come they're going out from work more often now?
I've previously worked in places where nobody has ever really socialised, and then someone a bit more outgoing joins the team - or a new manager comes along whose brief is to "increase team engagement" <vomit> - and there's a sudden rash of evenings/lunches out.
I'm usually the most cynical person on the block, but I'm not seeing anything in what you've described that is actually suspicious.
The reason for the meal was "team bonding" as two of the team hadn't been getting on. No idea of the reason for the night out though. Thing is, I don't know if they really are work things or if that's a cover story.
I don't think I've ever been on a work night out on a Saturday. Generally they are week nights and no one even wants to give up a Friday night, let alone get together at the actual weekend.
Are you living together?
(That said it could be totally innocent)
Has he said what they are doing/where they are going?
What happened when you found out he had cheated before and what did he say/do to convince you to give it a go or that it wouldn't happen again? Do you know if he has cheated on exes?
No, me either! I said this to him too- that I was surprised they would be going out on a Saturday, therefore only getting one full day away from work people before Monday! He said "well I wasn't the one that organised it, I'm just going along"
Yes we live together- we'd previously lived around an hour apart so moved to the middle of where we're both from. I moved jobs too as I can't drive. I moved in on the Wednesday and found out about the cheating that weekend. It was awful.
He caused the mistrust so it's up to him to reassure and try and regain your trust in him; I don't know if he's up to no good but he needs to be giving you more than this.
He's said where they're going but not said specifically which bars or club they'll be at.
When I found out about him cheating he told me everything. He answered all the questions I had. He begged me for another chance. I've never seen him so upset. He said that he complete regretted it and it had made him realise how much he wanted to be with me. Basically everything you an imagine a caught out cheater to say. He's only had one other serious girlfriend and it ended because she moved away. They don't have any bad feelings between them and he said he'd never cheated on her
But it's not as easy when you're actually in the relationship and want to make it work. I feel like a complete idiot.
The reason it's easy for me to say is because I've been the one the one in a similar situation, it only got worse and I spent far too long wasting so much energy on trying and trying to make it work. Only for it to follow a horrible pattern. It might be different for you, I admit, he might be a better person than my ex - but believe me, it's not lack of understanding of where you are that makes me say ditch him.
I think it sounds like someone more sociable has joined the team and is arranging nights out. The cheating years ago, if just a drunken kiss I wouldn't be too bothered. But definitely need to find out he is with work colleagues.
Honestly I think it's so hard to rebuild trust, it's the most difficult element to repair IMO, for me when something similar happened I had a constant gnawing of paranoia and felt I was going vaguely crazy most of the time because as much as I wanted to trust again the damage had been done and I couldn't breathe trust back into the relationship so it had to be over as I was just too unhappy
You're still young, doesn't sound like you have dc together - get out while you can.
As for the decision not being easy - I was a married sahm to a 2 yr old living in a tied house (ex army) hundreds of miles from family, no support network, no income when I made the decision.
A cheaters script (google it) brief summary:
Gaslight (make other half think they're imagining things)
Blame other half (not enough sex, nagging too much etc)
Dripfeed (it was only a kiss, ok it was 2 kisses...and a blow job...we only shagged once...ok maybe twice...)
Beg forgiveness (not all do this)
B - my first clue was mentionitis (ow name being mentioned more than other colleagues, always complimentary about her) then a man who had ALWAYS been a clock watcher, never volunteered for extra work etc was suddenly going in early, finishing late, organising socials (telling me it was someone else who had), working lunch times
If it's a pub/club night out why no partners?
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