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Have I destroyed trust in marriage?

(79 Posts)
mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:14:03

Hi MNers,

Please, some constructive advice much appreciated.

DH and I married 14 years ago. Everything has always been shared - shared bank account, our house, including the money my parents have gave us to help buy our first apartment. We were totally blessed in this.

I love him dearly and imagine our retirement together. We both do. We've had a few rough patches lately. During a couple of arguments he's suggested he could conceivably leave me/separate. Although we've always patched things up. It totally rocked my confidence at the time. I have never made this threat to our marriage.

Anyway, things were in a good place. But today with great difficulty and nervousness I brought up the subject of inheritance and said I would probably like to maintain some control of what my parents leave me as I was shocked and lacked trust after he'd threatened to leave me. I am fortunate enough that there may be some money for us, whereas my DH's side is less likely. Something he apparently has various issues about.

I now feel terrible. Like what was once 'us in it together ' is now like some sort of awkward Pre-nup agreement. He was pretty defensive and upset by it, saying he'd be left with a one bed flat in Timbuktu etc if we split up. He also said he feels overshadowed, emasculated by my parent's money, like he will never have done enough to earn it and what I've now said only confirms that in his mind.

Neither of us want to split up. I feel sure of this. DH loves and looks after me so well. But after he made those earlier threats that he could leave me I felt nervous it may be possible if things got ugly and maybe he would once I'd inherited. Although deep down I don't think he would.

We'd started to plan stuff long term with the idea we would come into a bit of money, but it's made me feel uncomfortable lately.

A long one sorry! It's quite involved.

Any similar stories? What agreements do you have with your DPs? Do you discuss it openly?

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:16:01

You sure he isn't holding off leaving you until your money comes through? I'd say stick with the control over it be safe

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:19:05

If he was going to stay with you, he'd know he'd benefit from this money in the long run so no need to get upset by it. Yes I'd discuss it with him openly and say its your money and how you feel uncomfortable after the way things are and you need to protect yourself until you know for sure if he's staying with you same as you'd do with him if he came into money

mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:22:16

I genuinely don't think so, Holly. But I do think it had become unhealthy to plan our future based on money we may come into. (Neither of us are particularly high earners.)

DH said I should have just intended to do this with the money but not have said anything, as now it is 5,10,20 years of having this notion hang over our marriage.

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:23:16

The part that worries me he says he'll be left with a one bed flat, he says he hasn't done enough to earn the money, no and neither have you either but I assume we are talking about a large sum of money and he feels he's got a right to this because he's stayed with you to obtain it.

mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:25:08

Yep. I called him out on that saying he shouldn't be basing his retirement plans on what my parents have got. If he has a one bed flat it's because that's how he has made his own way.

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:25:12

What would you rather mummalugs you too have the best marriage ever then when he goes to divorce takes you to the cleaners. If he can't respect its your money then your best off knowing now

IMissGin Wed 22-Feb-17 13:26:25

If you're married surely if you divorced he'd be entitled to half including any inheritance regardless? You're either in a committed partnership or you aren't... the inheritance is a bit of a red herring?

Luciferthethird Wed 22-Feb-17 13:27:25

I agree with PP why bring up that he'd be left with a one bedroom flat if he doesn't plan to stay slip of the tongue me thinks. Tell him to forget you said anything but put something in place to protect your inheritance anyway.

sunshinesupermum Wed 22-Feb-17 13:30:05

What reason did he give for those earlier threats mummalugs which caused you to worry about your long term future together?

If you were to split up before your inheritance everything would likely be split 50/50 - is that why he says he would only be able to afford a 1 bed flat in Timbuktoo and would it be the same for you?

mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:31:39

Agreed Holly. It just feels like the better or worse, richer or poorer commitment we made has suffered in this. Like trust has been lost.

IMissgin, if inherited money is in your name only and not used as communal funds by both of you (e.g. to buy a house in both your names, deposited in both names etc) your spouse cannot claim it, or has greater difficulty doing so, in divorce proceedings.

mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:36:09

I think he meant if the shoe was on the other foot. If I was to leave him, he would end up with far less. But even so, he shouldn't be banking on what my parents leave. It was a shock reaction from him I think.

What money agreements do others have, if you're willing to share? Anyone throw all caution to the wind in the name of love and trust? Or is that totally naive?

TheNaze73 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:39:03

I get your point here & hope all the people that pontificate that "all money is family money" do as well

WannaBe Wed 22-Feb-17 13:39:36

I think that anyone can threaten to leave in the heat of an argument/s and let's be fair no marriage is all happy all of the time - they all go through rough patches.

I do think that you are unreasonable to suggest that you want your parents' money to be yours and yours alone just in case you split. It shows that you're not committed to staying in the marriage either, and TBH if this thread were reversed and a female OP posted that her H had suggested that he wanted to make sure that an (as yet not received) inheritance remained his just in case you split up posters would be telling her that it sounded as if he was planning to leave her and was pre-empting it with the comments about money. They'd also be telling her to find a solicitor and a way to gain a part of the inheritance as it's a marital asset.

It's not as straightforward as the other partner not being entitled to any of it, so the likelihood is that he would have some claim anyway. But you mentioning you want to keep it to yourself does imply that you're not in this marriage for the long-hall.

OnionKnight Wed 22-Feb-17 13:44:36

Basically what WannaBe said, you are not showing as being committed either OP.

And I guarantee that your husband will be entitled to some of it if you split after you get it.

mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:45:21

Definitely in this marriage for the long haul, Wannabe. I prefaced the whole conversation with this, that he is my most important relationship. The conversation went along the lines 'how would you feel if I maintained control over some of the inheritance?' I did not suggest all of it. And I explained it was a reaction to his earlier threats to leave, which had totally shocked me at that time and still worried me.

Adora10 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:47:26

I think he caused the mistrust when he threatened to leave the marriage; that's awful, yes we all say things in anger etc but to threaten to end a marriage?

Also, if the inheritance is left to you only, what has it got to do with him what you do with it; I don't like his attitude one bit, a flat in Timbuktu - does he think your parents are a cash cow?

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:47:43

I believe the OP DH was the first to declare he has thought about leaving. OP wants to protect her assets in case this happened has nothing to do with if OP was male or female

mummalugs Wed 22-Feb-17 13:48:27

And I'm not saying what I've done and said was the right course of action btw. Otherwise why would I be feeling so crap about it and seeking MN advice.

WannaBe Wed 22-Feb-17 13:50:00

Well, how iminently are your parents going to die?

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:50:15

Shame your DO has thought about what he'll get if you split up but not a pension for himself says a lot

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:50:27


OnionKnight Wed 22-Feb-17 13:50:36

if the inheritance is left to you only, what has it got to do with him what you do with it

If the OP was male there'd be a stampede of people screaming that it's family money, there have been threads where wives wanted a say in what to spend DH's inheritance on and nobody disagreed with them.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Wed 22-Feb-17 13:52:31

Talk about it with your parents. It's entirely up to them who they leave their money to. They can specify.

DH and I have a very strong marriage, yet the money my mum is leaving in her will, will be for me and me only. She doesn't want her money going to someone else's family if DH and I ever do separate and he goes on to have a different family with a new wife. She is completely without emotion when it comes to planning and discussing things like that.

Holly3434 Wed 22-Feb-17 13:52:39

We can't compare threads all the time if we did, we'd just give the same advice so no point in posting

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