Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

HELP How do I reset myself and practice kindness

(20 Posts)
Teabay Wed 22-Feb-17 08:26:55

I really struggle with being too hard on myself - people (counsellor, close friends) repeatedly say just be kind to yourself, don't be so hard on yourself.

I sound like an idiot but I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS OR FEELS LIKE.

I need some advice on how to reframe my thoughts. I don't mean doing the long baths and candles thing, I mean just being kinder to my psyche.

Is there anyone reading this who understands what I mean? I feel like a div!!

HelgaHufflepuff76 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:30:38

I try to imagine what I would say to myself if I was another person giving advice. Like, what would you say to your mum, sister or friend if they were feeling like you are right now, but say it to yourself instead.
I'm not sure if that makes sense!

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:32:04

It's more like thinking - what would I say to a friend or family member who was feeling this way? Then practice that on yourself. Many people who struggle with negative thought are v hard on themselves but v kind/caring to others.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:32:22

X post with Helga!

YouOKHun Wed 22-Feb-17 08:42:38

"How to Accept Yourself" by Windy Dryden is a great book. I always think to be kind to oneself one must first accept oneself (warts and all). Self acceptance is very different from the notion of 'building self esteem in order to like oneself'. I think you might find Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy principles quite helpful (which is what this book is based on). It is a structured approach to belief change that might give you a method for reconsidering how you see yourself.

Teabay Wed 22-Feb-17 09:16:55

Helga and Kitten thank you - it's that kind of simple advice I need.

Youok I'll look it up - I've never read a self help books and am unsure if it would actually work - but there are millions printed so I suppose they must.

Bitrustyandbusty Wed 22-Feb-17 09:27:38

I have recently downgraded my negative self talk on making even a little day to day mistake from, e.g. quietly thinking to myself, 'f***ing idiot!' to something like,'oops, silly billy!' or 'buffoon!'. Still not fabulous in the self love stakes but a major step forward for me. And even that changes takes some mental effort. I can happily say, however, that it works. Good luck!

Bitrustyandbusty Wed 22-Feb-17 09:28:36

Will check out the book too, thanks.

Teabay Wed 22-Feb-17 10:12:52

I think you're right - people say that I'm lovely to work for, very kind and understanding but then I have just realised that I won't apply the same for myself.
Eg. I'll think "well they're working really hard, she has two little ones and her husband works long hours". But then if I don't complete a task when I said I would, or I need to leave a meeting ON TIME not even early, I think that I should be putting more in - but I'm a single mum and the boss with the extra workload and pressure!
What's wrong with me??

museumum Wed 22-Feb-17 13:31:40

I have a friend just like you op. It's so sad seeing her basically being mean to herself.

Solasum Wed 22-Feb-17 13:34:28

I suspect you have just acquired the habit of yourself being at the bottom of your priority list

noego Wed 22-Feb-17 14:36:06

You are analysing, intellectualising and over thinking "how to be kind to myself." Once you drop those thoughts, because they are getting in the way of you truly seeing your inner beauty, you should be able to fall in love with yourself. smile

SallyInSweden Wed 22-Feb-17 14:48:25

"I feel like a div"

It does seem to be very deeply ingrained with you!

Could you write down some acceptable boundaries that you will accept for yourself.
Would thinking about this as setting an example to your kids help.
Where did you learn that you can never do/be enough?
How about seeing it as a form of self-sabotage; is there a part of you that feels being happy is somehow suspect or "not what we do"?

angelcakerocks Wed 22-Feb-17 16:39:18

If you are into or would be willing to try meditation, listen to the RAIN of self compassion by Tara Brach (google - it's a free 10 minute meditation) and that could really help

noego Wed 22-Feb-17 18:30:34

Meditation is good or concentration on a mantra, the breath or a candle for a while because it rests the mind of psychological thoughts. But after the meditation the egoic psychological mind will return and of course the negative thoughts will follow.
If are going to meditate, do the highest meditation. The one where you are aware of your thoughts all the time as practiced by Advaita Vedanta teachers

Chunkamatic Wed 22-Feb-17 18:35:19

No advice but I am place marking as I feel exactly the same. All my close friends think that I have everything together because I always give such sound advice. They would be genuinely shocked to know how I feel about myself and how much it undermines everything I do.
Well done for making steps to sort it, OP

DevelopingDetritus Wed 22-Feb-17 18:44:14

Your mantra needs to be "I deserve to be happy" "I'm a good person"

Teabay Wed 22-Feb-17 19:22:29

I've just posted on the 'cognitive dissonance' thread.

I've decided this afternoon on a new strategy - am calling it mythbusting.

Maybe we could all share each time we bust a personal myth??

Trustyourself2 Wed 22-Feb-17 22:01:35

I sometimes find myself calling myself a stupid bitch, when I've done something that irritates the hell out of me, and telling myself that I can't get anything right. This past year, however, I've made a real effort to check myself when I'm about to be negative, and remind myself that I wouldn't say that to anyone else, even though I sometimes think it, so why say it to me!

I think it really is as simple as that. My counsellor was horrified when I told her that I can be so hard on myself and she told me to practice kindness towards myself. Like you, I didn't understand what that meant, and then she explained that you have to love yourself and mind yourself. It's all a work in progress, but I'll carryon, as I'd rather do that than not.

noego Thu 23-Feb-17 00:16:59

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: