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Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?

(174 Posts)
Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 07:56:52

Brief history; found out recently H has been unfaithful for the last ten years with ten different OW. I realise this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

He works away a lot and says he meets them in hotel bar. He is 58. He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret. I am in pieces. He says there was no EA and it was just sex. I thought we were reasonably happy. I've been doing lots of reading to help me navigate through this horrendous time. I'm in shock. H has mentioned sex addiction but I've seen this term used a lot. Does anyone think it exists or is it just an excuse for reckless sex.

STD testing for me organised for end of month. Feel dirty and violated. I haven't kicked him out as I'm numb.

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 07:58:16

***Sorry H has NOT mentioned sex addiction

CatOnAWarmTinRoof Wed 22-Feb-17 07:58:45

I totally believe in alcohol and nicotine addiction.
Sex addiction? A cop out

TheNaze73 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:04:26

I know there isn't a medical code for it but, I genuinely think some people have addictive personalities. It doesn't excuse what your partner has done, he's just sticking two fingers up at you & your relationship however, just answering your initial question.

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:04:56

Yes my thoughts too. I just can't understand why he did it. For me sex with no emotional attachment is meaningless

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:05:36

I suppose he did it because he did and he wanted to

Ellisandra Wed 22-Feb-17 08:13:16

Thing is, what if it was an addiction?
He knows it is wrong.
Unlike an alcoholic who may minimise how much they rely on alcohol, everyone knows: you are married, you don't have sex with others.
So if my husband could also show me the invoice for many secret therapy sessions where he tried to tackle addiction, and tell him to shove it up his arse.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:14:28

The thing is it's never 'just sex.' (Not that that is acceptable either). There are so many points in the lead up to it - checking someone out, talking to them, making the first move, asking them back. At any point he could and should have thought 'No I'm married, what about Little'. But he didn't because his selfish desires were more important. If he was staying away he may have seen them over a course of days.

To me it sounds more like utterly selfish, out of sight out of mind, and I can easily get away with this behaviour than some kind of addiction.

From what I've read about sex addiction it's much less controlled and a constant, consistent compulsion to have sex with people (ie not every so often when abroad) - but you should read up.

How did you find out?

I'm so sorry OP flowers

Ellisandra Wed 22-Feb-17 08:16:25

And bottom line you're right - he did it because he wanted to.

My XH came out with all kinds of psycho-bullshit when his new GF caught him cheating with prostitutes (guess why I divorced him?). He only ever told me 'I don't know'. He told her it's because mummy spoiled him as a child hmm

Doesn't matter if he even has a reason that you could be sympathetic to (get ready for: my self esteem was really low, poor poor me). Bottom line, he chose to do it. It did not trouble him enough to seek any kind of therapy, addiction or otherwise.

I'm sorry you're going through this flowers

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:19:48

I've found out as I saw an email arranging to meet OW in hotel bar. When I confronted him the information came out bit by bit. Started by " he wasn't going to go through with it" " there was only a couple" and now it's a total of ten

Notapodling Wed 22-Feb-17 08:19:58

Yes, I think so. People get addicted to all sorts of things. However, while that might be a reason, it's not an excuse. He made the choice to sleep with those women, each time. Tbh, I'd find a single ea easier. You can understand how it can happen. 'Just sex' with multiple women isn't someone making a mistake, it means he's thought about it and knows what he's doing and risking. This would be a deal breaker for me, and was. sad I'm sorry you're going through this OP. flowers

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:22:36

I wasn't snooping by the way. I book his hotel rooms for him and email was on same laptop. He thought he'd deleted it. He did not use condoms for oral sex so I'm at risk. This is the thing that upsets me most. I also wonder the extent of his behaviour. Can someone fairly average looking attract ten (?) different women for casual sex?

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:23:39

Yes notapodling I would find one affair easier to deal with than this

AnyFucker Wed 22-Feb-17 08:27:48

Cop out

He did it because he could, because he liked it and because he gave himself permission to

Surely you are not going to stay with him ?

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:28:09

Oh god OP that's awful. And as you say, there is likely more.

When I've read about sex addiction (is interviews with addicts) it's been much less drawn out than that - so they would literally meet people in a bar or on public transport and take them home in 15 minutes. But I suppose everyone's addiction is different.

It's just that this reads very calculated and more just like a selfish cheating bastard. Some people think if there is no emotions attached, sex doesn't matter - they just separate it in their mind.

Those people shouldn't be married. (Unless it's openly open).

How do you feel about asking him to leave?

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:33:09

I've only known for a week so I haven't made any decisions but I feel destroyed inside

AnyFucker Wed 22-Feb-17 08:36:49

I am not surprised flowers

CatOnAWarmTinRoof Wed 22-Feb-17 08:38:20

Interesting that he actually knows he's done this ten times.
Not "more than Four" not "dunno maybe less than a dozen?"

He's clearly keeping count. This is important to him

HerOtherHalf Wed 22-Feb-17 08:39:29

He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret.

The poor wee soul! Was he showing signs like this that you couldn't find a reason for before he got caught? No? Thought not.

His excuses and remorse are irrelevant. He's been shagging other women into the double figures, that's all you need to know. Stop looking for reasons to justify his behavior and start looking for a lawyer. Get angry - you deserve to.

Just my tuppence.

So sorry you're going through thsi BTW.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Feb-17 08:40:00

He won't stop, btw

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:45:13

He said he did it because was "lonely and lost" that made me feel very stabby

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:45:27

How come people with a "sex addiction" never seem to get addicted to sex with their partner - its always someone else. Like being addicted to alcohol but ignoring the stuff in your own house and drinking other people's.

Littledarlingdog Wed 22-Feb-17 08:47:42

Good point salt wasn't interested in wife at home. Amazing how he wants to look into my eyes now and tell me he realises now how much he doesn't want to lose me

Offred Wed 22-Feb-17 08:47:53

Sex addiction? Pah male entitlement...

Littlelondoner Wed 22-Feb-17 08:48:50

Sex addiction is very much a real thing. And so so so horrible. You know the frustration when you are really horny. Its like that constantly no relief. Like a constant itch needing to be scratched. About doubting your own morals and self respect. Being so in the moment then being wracked with guilt afterwards.

That said I hate cheaters. But if he genuinely thinks it is an issue he needs go the dr. Get reffered for CBT and therapy. They have psychologists that specialise in this area.

Usually with addiction there is an under lying cause.

Does he generally have an addictive personality?

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