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Another financial/emotional abuse post :( - long

(40 Posts)
PinkGlitter17 Wed 22-Feb-17 01:58:24

I've been married to H for 8 years, together 15 years, DD is 8, DS is 2.5.
He is an agency nurse, I'm a SAHM.
We both worked throughout the first 8 years of relationship, I was always paid less than him but I suppose the first alarm bell/thing I should have pt my foot down about was when we got our first place and he made me still pay half of bills/rent despite lower earnings.
When I had DD I was a self-employed cake-maker and then SAHM until she was a year old, i think. NO mat allowance/SMP for me as we had been living abroad. H started 2 years nurse training when DD was 2 months old.
Then I started doing cakes again, and I got into £2K debt by using business CC for food, daily expenses and biz costs because I had no access to DH's earnings (he was by now working shifts as a trainee, and paying all household bills while I looked after baby DD and was expected to do all housework etc as well as trying to run biz). He bailed me out £1K and I took out a bank loan with £60 monthly repayments - so this repayment had to now be generated by the (precarious) cake business.

Then we moved towns and I took on a unit in the local market hall which I made into a cake shop. The trade/footfall was so poor that it became totally pointless, so I left. Did cakes from home, kept it ticking over. Got pg with DS and then got a job which lasted till I was unfairly dismissed after 4 months (tho H had told me just to quit anyway as the stress was affecting my health).

Fast forward to today - we have moved again, to a tiny town with v few job opps. We moved for H's work; got DD into the local primary school and it's a nice place to be. Recently the hospital was recruiting, and H gave me a very hard time and a lot of pressure to apply for a job as a healthcare assistant, which I do not feel suits me.

I only get the CHB, have to ask for any other money - to which H responds with a sigh and a glare and "haven't you got any money?". Sometimes I take small amounts of cash from his pockets. With the CHB I pay for DD's school dinners, swimming lessons, clothes for the kids (from charity shop), shoes for the kids, food/drink/cleaning/toiletries bits and pieces throughout the month, gifts and cards for friends/family.
Last year I couldn't pay my phone bill so it got cut off. I knew why but pleaded ignorance - started using landline. I couldn't afford the bill, and I couldn't tell H or ask him to pay it. After a few months he confronted me and said he had therefore paid £16 a month for my phone calls and he would like the money back, please. He texted my mum and told her I'd been cut off, and that I had been "costing him" £15-20 a month. My family were horrified that he had been like that about it, and my brother has put me on his phone plan so that I never have to worry about it.

A few months ago, we had a huge row and he said that from now on, I must do 100% of the housework if he earns 100% of the income. Apparently the kids don't want for anything (not true actually, as CHB does not cover everything a child wants/needs), and as for me, i have nothing to complain about as I have a roof over my head and food to eat.

He buys and semi-hides large bottles of rum - i recently put out all the bottles for recycling and there were 7 from the previous 5-6 months, which was pretty mortifying to see. I also find little bags of weed in his sock drawer, and lighters in his pockets though he doesn't smoke fags. He goes to the pub freely once or twice a week.

He bought a £500 fucking whistles-and-bells fancy cooker without us looking at any different ones together, and then comments about my apparently lax care of the cooker HE bought that was SO expensive.

I don't drive, and he bought an old school minibus for £1500 and has been converting it into a camper van. Now that his car is kaput and he's going to have to get rid of it, he says he's "set on" just having a camper van and ditching the car and the current van. How can I drive that when I learn to drive?

i wanted to enrol on GCSE Maths at the college in the next town last year, to improve my employment chances, and suggested that, as he is quite flexible as an agency worker, he could fit his shifts around my weekly trips to town to study. He flat out refused.

He leaves everything for me to clear up, and for a while would e.g. decide the living room needed tidying and gather everything together and dump it in the middle of the floor - so that I had no choice but to deal with it.

Oh my god, I could carry on writing about incidents for pages and pages and pages.

I am so undervalued and am thinking about getting out of the marriage. The ££ side of things is just a part of a wider pattern of abuse, as I know is standard. I can't manage on just the Child Benefit all month, and I am nothing but an inconvenience, feeling like a guest in my own home, a feeling of earning my keep. I still feel like I have to prove myself, prove that I do enough, that I must show that I realise how much H does for us/how much I should be thankful that he is supporting us. And it makes me sick.

Fuck this. Thank you if you have read this far.

Graceful1 Wed 22-Feb-17 02:26:18

Being a mother is a full time and valuable job. How much does HE pay you to look after HIS children.
He is being very unfair and is massively undervaluing what you do.
Are you in a relationship or a Dictatorship.
If he is unwilling to listen and change then its up to you to change things.
Don't let him treat you like this.

inkydinky Wed 22-Feb-17 02:27:38

I'm on my way to bed so can't do a long reply I'm sorry. But didn't want to leave you waiting for one. What you describe absolutely IS emotional and financial abuse. Of you AND your DC. This is not a relationship that you should stay in. Which I think you already know. You don't say what the position is re your home (owned or rented) but you should be looking into leaving if you can, or asking him to leave. You need legal advice about the latter. Do call on your family for support. It sounds as though they already have the measure of him. I am so sorry you are living like this. He is truly truly dreadful. And you deserve better x

Shnorbitz Wed 22-Feb-17 02:36:37

What @Inky said.

Sorry OP but he's a controlling fuckwit. You should get your ducks in a row and start making plans to leave him. This is NO life and totally onesided by his 'rules' which are archaic.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 22-Feb-17 02:37:43

He is abusive but as a PP said, your family already seem aware so go to them for support. Go to Citizens Advice for help on working out what benefits you're entitled to.
It may be better moving beside your family so they can support you with childcare whilst you get back on track.

PinkGlitter17 Wed 22-Feb-17 03:19:13

I have been thinking about leaving for some time now - I've confided in 3 friends who are all concerned and outraged. That was about a year ago. One of them advised me to make plans.

I am in a terrible £ situation again, business and personal debts that I have been ignoring. I am on AD meds for anxiety, no one knows the real reason I am anxious. Totally burying my head in the sand. (I've been reading a thread by flowersandcats that makes me feel like I can tackle it all - but don't want H to know.) So I feel like it's all about to blow up, and that H will leave me when he finds out I've run up debts again. (We are renting with the tenancy in his name, and none of the debts are linked to him.) It's weird because i feel like him leaving me would do all the work for me, in a way, and I also realise, through that, that I am pretty complacent/ambivalent about my marriage. I have some support from good friends in this village, and otherwise all my family are 3 hours away....

I suppose it's not so surprising that I'm in debt again, given the lack of resources I have at my disposal. I do sometimes secretly use his card to buy groceries while he's asleep after night shifts, and generally I get £30 or whatever cashback, and he's never noticed. I suppose I could get a fund together that way. It's just the fact that all this financial fallout might be about to happen and I feel quite suicidal about it, in a sort of matter-of-fact, benign way. (But I will not do that.) I know that technically, taking £ from his pockets and using his card are financial abuse. But given the circumstances, I'm not sure.
Child maintenance would be £104 a week, and that feels like a hell of a step up from £34.50.

Oswin Wed 22-Feb-17 03:27:46

Can you pack some stuff and go to your parents?

Do you not qualify at the moment for tax credits?

Please do a benefit check as well for when you leave this fucker.
You will be much better off.
Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 22-Feb-17 07:53:03

"I know that technically, taking £ from his pockets and using his card are financial abuse"

Actually it is not. He is the one who is being emotionally and financially abusive. I am not surprised that you are in debt either; he has put you in this position. Financially abusive men can and do put their spouse in debt. He feels entitled to act like this and such men do not change.

You need to leave him. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will also help you here; do call them today if at all possible. Your children are also seeing the effects of all this at home and on you as well, they cannot afford to keep learning such damaging lessons on relationships.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 22-Feb-17 08:04:37

God he's so awful. Your family sound lovely and supportive - can they help support you for a while while you set up on your own. You'll be so much better off without this guy in every way.
So sorry you're going through this flowers

FrutiFlutey Wed 22-Feb-17 08:16:13

He's is so awful to you! A man who cares about you properly would never see you or his children live like this.

Cricrichan Wed 22-Feb-17 08:16:42

You'd be so much better off without him, in every sense! You'll be able to train whilst he has the kids, you'll get benefits and you'll get maintenance and you won't be a slave to that abuser. Make an appointment with cab or maybe someone on here can help, and see exactly what you're entitled to and what your options are. You'll be surprised.

Teabay Wed 22-Feb-17 08:30:12

Please ring Women's Aid - they're really friendly and they'll help you to make a plan.

Tinkerbec Wed 22-Feb-17 08:38:12

This is not good. Can you tell your family and get away from him?
How far away did you move from them?

Teabay is right ring WA.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Feb-17 08:44:16

Yes please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Also Shelter and CAB.
Understand exactly where you would stand if you were to leave him.

Would your family come and get you and have space for you and DC short-term?
I know if my DD was in this situation I'd be there like a shot to get her out.

You know you'd be far better off away from him.
Not just your MH but financially as well.

Get away as fast as you can. Make sure you have all paperwork you can.
Bank accounts, savings, wage slips, pension info.
Assets, i.e. cars, vans, etc.....
Passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate (you'll need this for divorce)

I really hope you can get away. Good luck.

HarrietSchulenberg Wed 22-Feb-17 09:07:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HappyJanuary Wed 22-Feb-17 09:09:06

Was it a joint decision for you to become a sahm? I'm surprised you don't want to work in the circumstances. Would you consider the healthcare job while you look for something that suits you better?

Namechanger2015 Wed 22-Feb-17 09:16:45

Can you confide further in your brother and make a plan with him? Can he house you in the short-term?

I left my financially and otherwise abusive H 2 years ago and currently live with my parents. It's cramped with me and my 3 DC there but it really is so much better than living with H. I am more confident with money and money-making decisions than I ever was with him.

You need a place to stay as your first priority. Confide in people and find a temporary place to stay. Please make sure you take all relevant paperwork too - kids passports and birth certificates and your marriage certificate, and any proof of his earnings - e.g. His payslip or tax returns as you will need these when you claim child maintenance from him. I took photos of every single bit of paper I could when I left and some that seemed not useful at all turned out to be handy.

I sent all the pics to my brother on whatsapp so we had backup copies if needed.

Good luck - you sound determined and you can do this.

Namechanger2015 Wed 22-Feb-17 09:17:47

Open a new bank account and make sure cake business earnings go in there so you have a getaway stash as needed.

HappyJanuary Wed 22-Feb-17 09:22:51

There are no cake business earnings, there are only cake making debts.

He sounds horrible, but he is a nurse not an investment banker and I don't understand why you would rather struggle than get a job and I suspect he feels the same.

Get a job, and start making plans to leave.

Gallavich Wed 22-Feb-17 09:23:58

You lost my sympathy when you said you didn't think a healthcare assistant was the job for you

Bullshit. HCA is not for everyone. I couldn't deal with injuries and blood, vomit, excrement and urine, puss and infection. Not everyone is capable of being a HCP.

Op, you have realised that he's abusive, so now is the time to act. Don't put it off for years. How much actual personal debt do you have? Can you move in with family for a while? And why don't you get tax credits?

RainbowsAndUnicorn Wed 22-Feb-17 09:41:02

You have many choices but don't seem to want to take them. You are choosing to get into debt rather than work, with no experience, qualifications etc you cat expect to walk into a dream job.

If it was that bad, why have a second child?

You seem to want it all your own way, to not work, have his salary and do less around the home despite being out of work. He made it clear he wanted help with the costs of running a home and children yet you weren't willing to do anything about it and left him to it all.

He may be selfish but he's not the only one.

HarrietSchulenberg Wed 22-Feb-17 11:50:31

Thanks Gallavitch but not really bullshit. OP would rather piss about losing money on a cake business that's not going anywhere than take a job. That job would at least bring some money in to help her be financially independent until such time as she can find something else.
But no, the SAHM-and-have-a-little-business lifestyle that OP wants isn't supportable on one nurse's wage.
Whilst, yes, he's being a dick by not sharing his wages, she's doing nothing but stack up debt and expecting him to pay.

Gallavich Wed 22-Feb-17 12:20:26

I quite agree she should be working! But it's total bullshit to say she should work as a HCA. If you're not capable of that work then you're not capable.

HarrietSchulenberg Wed 22-Feb-17 12:24:37

I read it as more that she didn't fancy it than being unable to do it. I'm not sure she can afford to be choosy.

helpme12335 Wed 22-Feb-17 12:40:38

It's all well and good saying that op should be working but her earnings would hardly cover child care on a job which pays close
To the minimum wage. When your youngest becomes eligible for free childcare (3 year old) I would look at finding a job which works around the school hours and start paying some money off your debt.

The other option is leave your partner, you would be much better off and if you contact a charity such as stepchange debt then they could negotiate payments with your creditors which are affordable to you.

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